The title reality tv is being thrown around just a little loosely these days. Its been beaten to death that most of these shows are at least somewhat staged but it's amazing how many viewers still feel like they can identify with and relate to the characters on many of these shows. I thought it would be appropriate for me to sort of touch base with all of these shows and offer just a taste of reality. For reals.
1. The Hills
-The tagline of the new season is, "You've lived through every moment with them...". This is true. Every Monday night when the Hills comes on, I cuddle up next to my 60 year old GE heater and eat a raw can of corn while drinking a can of Icehouse. If anyone has lived through LC's life, it is certainly me.
2. American Idol
-This show always gets me as the fans are the real joke. Hundreds of thousands of people get so caught up in the show they feel inclined to call in and vote and attend the "concerts" while bringing posterboards and shit-eating smiles. Is it really that exciting to watch a group of people with questionable talent and sky high ego's audition for a CHANCE TO SIGN WITH A LABEL? Jesus Christ I think the Chocolate Rain guy on Youtube got an offer three days after posting his videos.
3. Dancing With the Stars
-I dont know who the fuck watches this show. I would say old people but I dont think they approve of the diverse cast of latinos and coloreds. Sometimes I say a prayer deep down inside that the same crowd at the Dancing with the Stars show is also the group at American Idol, just a few days later.
4. The Real World
- All I can say is if I had to live in a house with 6 strangers, I would probably choose the local Homeless shelter over a chic pad filled with whining metrosexuals and hipsters. Im sure there would be an equal amount of trannies at either residence.
5. The Bachelor
- What do you call 40 women competing over 1 guy? Just another day in my life sweetheart.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Brace Yourself For 2009
A new year, a new beginning, and for TrendyFlavor, a new chance to be petty and spiteful towards our peers. Looking ahead, I can already see trouble looming. From the bloated egos of Obama voters to the emergence of the Jonas Brothers as a force to be reckoned with, I daresay the times they are a changing. Luckily, after a 6 month hiatus of scraping by and working my way through life like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, I am here to re-open Trendy Flavor.
To really kick things off with a bang, lets look at some of the shiteous trends of 2008 we can only hope will be forgotten:
1. Twilight- Fucking retarded. I dont know what could possibly be said about this movie besides that. Do I go with the homosexually inclined vampires or the wayward crowds of fans who look forward to nothing more than living vicariously through a collection of characters best described as "miserable".
2. American Idol- Every year I await its downfall and signs point to the end being near, but for now it fights on. A new host will be sure to add a ton of "spunk" and "female perspective". I especially cant wait for her and Paula to slap fives during the judgments and shout out "You go girl!" before hastily making their ways off stage when the cameras stop and engaging in some serious scissoring.
3. Politically Active Young People- I know, I know, im probably asking for too much but would it hurt so bad if a few kids from my generation jumped off the bandwagon now before reality bites them in the ass? Im doing these people a favor by even suggesting this. Yes, you managed to get all sappy and retarded and elect a guy who makes you feel important but in the next few months your going to realize that being important and being special straddle a fine line. Also, you suck.
4. Bud Light Commercials- Because nothing says I love a good time like hanging out with a diverse set of friends in a Harlem street corner while determining whether beer is a meal. Im going out on a limb and guessing that the very Bud Light the surfer-dude main character was wearing was probably his last meal, and a shitty one at that.
5. People calling themselves "laid back"- Is everyone in this world "laid back"? One would certainly have to assume this because if you asked 100 college students how theyd describe themselves and their friends, 99 of them would answer laid back. The other one would answer "chill". Last time I checked, nobody is ever actually laid back. They just have certain buttons and while some have more than others, everyone stresses out about something and can be an uptight prick. Next time someone tells you differently punch them in the dick and see how laid back they really are. Yeah, thatll teach em.
To really kick things off with a bang, lets look at some of the shiteous trends of 2008 we can only hope will be forgotten:
1. Twilight- Fucking retarded. I dont know what could possibly be said about this movie besides that. Do I go with the homosexually inclined vampires or the wayward crowds of fans who look forward to nothing more than living vicariously through a collection of characters best described as "miserable".
2. American Idol- Every year I await its downfall and signs point to the end being near, but for now it fights on. A new host will be sure to add a ton of "spunk" and "female perspective". I especially cant wait for her and Paula to slap fives during the judgments and shout out "You go girl!" before hastily making their ways off stage when the cameras stop and engaging in some serious scissoring.
3. Politically Active Young People- I know, I know, im probably asking for too much but would it hurt so bad if a few kids from my generation jumped off the bandwagon now before reality bites them in the ass? Im doing these people a favor by even suggesting this. Yes, you managed to get all sappy and retarded and elect a guy who makes you feel important but in the next few months your going to realize that being important and being special straddle a fine line. Also, you suck.
4. Bud Light Commercials- Because nothing says I love a good time like hanging out with a diverse set of friends in a Harlem street corner while determining whether beer is a meal. Im going out on a limb and guessing that the very Bud Light the surfer-dude main character was wearing was probably his last meal, and a shitty one at that.
5. People calling themselves "laid back"- Is everyone in this world "laid back"? One would certainly have to assume this because if you asked 100 college students how theyd describe themselves and their friends, 99 of them would answer laid back. The other one would answer "chill". Last time I checked, nobody is ever actually laid back. They just have certain buttons and while some have more than others, everyone stresses out about something and can be an uptight prick. Next time someone tells you differently punch them in the dick and see how laid back they really are. Yeah, thatll teach em.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
If you attend frat parties, your palms will bleed...
I meant to post this earlier but I was still trying to overcome the devastating injuries I suffered at the last Frat Party I attended.
2 months ago I went with a few girls and my plumber friend to an outdoor festival/concert downtown. We drank in the car. We peed behind tall buildings. We dared girls to kiss. It was my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, a hit and run and 4 hours later, it was 1am and we had nowhere to go. One of the girls suggests a frat party. I say no. She puts my hand on her tit. I change my mind.
Frat party 1:30am: I am owning the party. 100 people and my drunk ass is befriending everyone. Im shaking my pelvis like the Polish Elvis on the dance floor, Im throwing balls into cups like Dr. J in beer pong, im peeing behind a shed. Things are going remarkably well and Im pleased. Thats when I spot the basketball court. Plumber guy and me go down there. Girls stand atop the court watching. Perfect setting for a showdown. We challenge the youngest looking frat guy to a game. He is remarkably nice and lacks self esteem. He offers to get some guys to play. Plumber guy takes his basketball and throws it over the fence. He says the ball was a piece of shit. And so is his frat. I happen to agree. Frat guy isnt mad...just bewildered. He gets his guys. He gets another ball. Game on.
Thats when the idea strikes me.
I could totally dunk it. It would knock the panties off every girl out here. I tell plumber guy to pass me the rock. I catch it smoothly. My cigarette dangles from the mouth. I take flight at the foul line and by god Im jumping so high im above the fucking rim.
But somehow I miss.
Somehow...I went right beside the net and landed on my palms/face. Im pretty sure I slid for a good 10 feet. Everyone watching is too stunned to laugh or help. Pictures are being taken, blood is starting to spread. I know immediatly that this is going to be a nasty injury. It was. After 5 minutes of lying there asking god why he did this to me and crying, I decide its time to leave. Fortunately I am drunk enough that it doesent hurt and I just vow to never look at my hands again. I dont want to see the damage.
The night ends, the girls apparently have a problem with guys without palms. Skanks. I go home and decide its time to take a peek. Sure enough the corners of both hands are literally scraped off. My pants are soaked in blood and tears.
This is how I envision most nights ending at fraternity parties. Be warned.
2 months ago I went with a few girls and my plumber friend to an outdoor festival/concert downtown. We drank in the car. We peed behind tall buildings. We dared girls to kiss. It was my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, a hit and run and 4 hours later, it was 1am and we had nowhere to go. One of the girls suggests a frat party. I say no. She puts my hand on her tit. I change my mind.
Frat party 1:30am: I am owning the party. 100 people and my drunk ass is befriending everyone. Im shaking my pelvis like the Polish Elvis on the dance floor, Im throwing balls into cups like Dr. J in beer pong, im peeing behind a shed. Things are going remarkably well and Im pleased. Thats when I spot the basketball court. Plumber guy and me go down there. Girls stand atop the court watching. Perfect setting for a showdown. We challenge the youngest looking frat guy to a game. He is remarkably nice and lacks self esteem. He offers to get some guys to play. Plumber guy takes his basketball and throws it over the fence. He says the ball was a piece of shit. And so is his frat. I happen to agree. Frat guy isnt mad...just bewildered. He gets his guys. He gets another ball. Game on.
Thats when the idea strikes me.
I could totally dunk it. It would knock the panties off every girl out here. I tell plumber guy to pass me the rock. I catch it smoothly. My cigarette dangles from the mouth. I take flight at the foul line and by god Im jumping so high im above the fucking rim.
But somehow I miss.
Somehow...I went right beside the net and landed on my palms/face. Im pretty sure I slid for a good 10 feet. Everyone watching is too stunned to laugh or help. Pictures are being taken, blood is starting to spread. I know immediatly that this is going to be a nasty injury. It was. After 5 minutes of lying there asking god why he did this to me and crying, I decide its time to leave. Fortunately I am drunk enough that it doesent hurt and I just vow to never look at my hands again. I dont want to see the damage.
The night ends, the girls apparently have a problem with guys without palms. Skanks. I go home and decide its time to take a peek. Sure enough the corners of both hands are literally scraped off. My pants are soaked in blood and tears.
This is how I envision most nights ending at fraternity parties. Be warned.
Best. Movie. Ever
Ive got a boner right now. A raging hard on. Im actually typing with my penis im so excited. In case you havent heard, theres a movie coming out in a few weeks called "College". Lets just say, its totally based on my life.
I saw the preview a few hours ago while trying to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial and...I havent been able to sleep since. The trailer shows 3 guys who are graduating high school and decide to visit college as one of the fellas has an orientation to attend. Hilarity ensues. Your never going to believe it but the guys totally get involved with a fraternity once they get to the college and, heres the real kicker, they get drunk and screw hot ass sorority girls. I can especially relate because, just like these characters, I too attend college, and better yet, I fool around with sorority girls ALL the time while pounding it with my frat brothers. Its like someone told a hollywood director about me and he made it into a movie. Im stoked!!!!!
OK...enough of that nonsense. Apparently, the studio that produced this piece of shit figured I would respond to the preview in a manner something like the above paragraph. Unfortunately, I dont know anyone that has ever had this experience in college. Thats probably because my friends are lunch ladies and by fraternity I mean an imaginary one...but thats besides the point. The real point here is that someone needs to let you fuckers getting ready to go to college know that this is not real life. What can you expect than? Well, I dont think you want to know.
But Ill tell ya anyways.
Unlike this movie, you will not be enjoying your freshman orientation. Its much more likely that you will spend 48 hours with some guy named Peter who you were paired to room with. Peter will not flush the toilet or close the door. He will also masturbate aggresively for 3 hours straight until passing out. You will fall asleep to the smell of burning rubber. On your 2nd night of orientation if your lucky, youll strike up a conversation with a girl that likes horses. She will tell you shes a free spirit. She probably has a tumbleweed for pubes. You wont care. Its better than Peters burning rubber.
So orientation sucked. But college is totally going to be fun right? No. Not if your idea of fun is something similar to the movie "College". Im burned out now. This movie ruined my post. Blame the preview.
I saw the preview a few hours ago while trying to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial and...I havent been able to sleep since. The trailer shows 3 guys who are graduating high school and decide to visit college as one of the fellas has an orientation to attend. Hilarity ensues. Your never going to believe it but the guys totally get involved with a fraternity once they get to the college and, heres the real kicker, they get drunk and screw hot ass sorority girls. I can especially relate because, just like these characters, I too attend college, and better yet, I fool around with sorority girls ALL the time while pounding it with my frat brothers. Its like someone told a hollywood director about me and he made it into a movie. Im stoked!!!!!
OK...enough of that nonsense. Apparently, the studio that produced this piece of shit figured I would respond to the preview in a manner something like the above paragraph. Unfortunately, I dont know anyone that has ever had this experience in college. Thats probably because my friends are lunch ladies and by fraternity I mean an imaginary one...but thats besides the point. The real point here is that someone needs to let you fuckers getting ready to go to college know that this is not real life. What can you expect than? Well, I dont think you want to know.
But Ill tell ya anyways.
Unlike this movie, you will not be enjoying your freshman orientation. Its much more likely that you will spend 48 hours with some guy named Peter who you were paired to room with. Peter will not flush the toilet or close the door. He will also masturbate aggresively for 3 hours straight until passing out. You will fall asleep to the smell of burning rubber. On your 2nd night of orientation if your lucky, youll strike up a conversation with a girl that likes horses. She will tell you shes a free spirit. She probably has a tumbleweed for pubes. You wont care. Its better than Peters burning rubber.
So orientation sucked. But college is totally going to be fun right? No. Not if your idea of fun is something similar to the movie "College". Im burned out now. This movie ruined my post. Blame the preview.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Pre-Alcoholics Society
The time has come, when a few enlightened, sophisticated young men must stand up for what it is they believe in and fight a battle that will test them in every way imaginable.
People of Charlotte and its surrounding hoods and suburbs, I have decided to form the Pre-Alcoholics Society. What this society represents is a group of young people willing to give up all the gang signs, all the facebook taunting, all the jager-bombs and red bull breakfasts and embark on a mission to drink beer, and drink it often. Too many imposters walk the streets of Charlotte claiming they can drink any man under the table. These people trick the girls we know and love into believing them and before you know it, your drinking alone again while they share a Bud Lite with your girlfriend.
Its time we re-claimed our streets. We must challenge these posers to drinking games, promote events in which they will be forced to back up their bravado, and drink until we become homeless or full fledged alcoholics.
In the wide world of drinking, there are no winners and certainly no glamour, simply those who passed out and those who did not. Let fate decided which one you become tonight.
People of Charlotte and its surrounding hoods and suburbs, I have decided to form the Pre-Alcoholics Society. What this society represents is a group of young people willing to give up all the gang signs, all the facebook taunting, all the jager-bombs and red bull breakfasts and embark on a mission to drink beer, and drink it often. Too many imposters walk the streets of Charlotte claiming they can drink any man under the table. These people trick the girls we know and love into believing them and before you know it, your drinking alone again while they share a Bud Lite with your girlfriend.
Its time we re-claimed our streets. We must challenge these posers to drinking games, promote events in which they will be forced to back up their bravado, and drink until we become homeless or full fledged alcoholics.
In the wide world of drinking, there are no winners and certainly no glamour, simply those who passed out and those who did not. Let fate decided which one you become tonight.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Lil Wayne Sounds Like a Lung Cancer Survivor
I dont want to hear that lady with the voice synthesizer because she smoked for 40 years while working at Dunkin Donuts. I REALLY dont. Partially because itll be me in 20 years and partially because it gives me a hard on if im standing real close and catch a vibration....but mainly because I hate the sound of her voice. Please tell me why than, I would want to listen to Lil Wayne? Hipster douchebags in Rolling Stone Mag first decided he was wonderful because he was from New Orleans and what do you know, thats where KATRINA took place! What a great connection! So, they advocate this guy because hes sorta well known and from a tragic area and by rapping he will push their agenda on why Bush sucks. Fantastic, Ive seen this happen every few weeks. What I didnt expect was for this guy to catch on with the middle class white kids who think theyre black and throw gang signs as if they were not only retarded, but also using sign language. So suddenly, everytime I play basketball, I hear these fuckers call themselves "Wheezy" and clumsily rap his verses. Everytime I get on facebook, another one of these kids posts his lyrics in their status and profiles. Its sickening really how popular this guy has become.
If I were to ask any of his newfound fans why they liked him, they would all respond "Because of his rhymes". What they do not know is that his rhymes are about as mediocre as any other middle of the road rappers. Nothing he says carries any impact on society or holds any substantial train of thought. What he does represent, however, is a trendy symbol of all that is cool and gangster and socially accepted at this very moment. But than again, I doubt anyone has listed that as a reasoning.
If I were to ask any of his newfound fans why they liked him, they would all respond "Because of his rhymes". What they do not know is that his rhymes are about as mediocre as any other middle of the road rappers. Nothing he says carries any impact on society or holds any substantial train of thought. What he does represent, however, is a trendy symbol of all that is cool and gangster and socially accepted at this very moment. But than again, I doubt anyone has listed that as a reasoning.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Its about quality, not quantity
Alas, this is not my strategy in pursuing the finer sex, that would be titled "Date Rape: A Thin Line Between Bonding and Jail", but I digress. What I really mean to say is that for well over a year now I have been posting on this blog and about 5 or 6 people regularly read it. I think thats utterly sad. I post some pretty cool things. I go out of my way to really observe trends occuring around the world right now and than identify the reasons people cant help but fall into them. Maybe I need a better angle. This ones a bit broad. Than again, if you pander to the crowds too much, you lose your identity.
Anyways, I am just issuing this post as a self-reminder that I need to stop posting just to post and start really thinking about what I am going to cover before I toss it up here. People go to blogs because they know they are going to get a quality piece that they can agree with or learn from or maybe just feel some flicker of hope in. Well, my blog does none of those things, but if you are a cynical SOB like myself, at least we can share our common hatred for all things hip and trendy.
Anyways, I am just issuing this post as a self-reminder that I need to stop posting just to post and start really thinking about what I am going to cover before I toss it up here. People go to blogs because they know they are going to get a quality piece that they can agree with or learn from or maybe just feel some flicker of hope in. Well, my blog does none of those things, but if you are a cynical SOB like myself, at least we can share our common hatred for all things hip and trendy.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
"Excrement and Vomit Dumped on the Members"
No, this is not me describing a night of fun with PETA. No, it is also not a suggestion I might have for the College Democrats Organization....well it is but thats just part of my plan for vengeance.
What I AM describing is the amazingly candid look at what really goes on in a large portion of frat houses around the country. Yesterday a Madison, Wisconsin frat house went up in flame and only than did the stories begin to circulate. All I know is I saw the headline, "Excrement and vomit dumped on the members" and I felt pretty damn good. I dont know about any of you other socially inept people who just didnt have the "ambition" to join a fraternity in college, but I find being covered in shit and puke to be pretty terrible.
Yet for some reason, this is what people do to be come popular. It happens everywhere. Dont toss out some vague statement that this only happens in the rare cases because I'm not ignorant and neither are the other folks reading this site (mom, grandma, myself in ladies clothes). When you stick a group of males DESPERATELY seeking social acceptance in a dilapidated house, the results will usually come out smelling like shit and vomit. The guys I see sporting frat shirts will always take a good chunk of attractive girls because it goes both ways and the ladies chasing them are usually far too gone to save anyways, but doesent it bring a smile to your face knowing at one point in time, these guys probably smelled suffered from "Excrement and vomit attacks"?
What I AM describing is the amazingly candid look at what really goes on in a large portion of frat houses around the country. Yesterday a Madison, Wisconsin frat house went up in flame and only than did the stories begin to circulate. All I know is I saw the headline, "Excrement and vomit dumped on the members" and I felt pretty damn good. I dont know about any of you other socially inept people who just didnt have the "ambition" to join a fraternity in college, but I find being covered in shit and puke to be pretty terrible.
Yet for some reason, this is what people do to be come popular. It happens everywhere. Dont toss out some vague statement that this only happens in the rare cases because I'm not ignorant and neither are the other folks reading this site (mom, grandma, myself in ladies clothes). When you stick a group of males DESPERATELY seeking social acceptance in a dilapidated house, the results will usually come out smelling like shit and vomit. The guys I see sporting frat shirts will always take a good chunk of attractive girls because it goes both ways and the ladies chasing them are usually far too gone to save anyways, but doesent it bring a smile to your face knowing at one point in time, these guys probably smelled suffered from "Excrement and vomit attacks"?
Monday, May 12, 2008
And the crowd goes WILD!
I will never watch American Gladiators again. Tonight, a one legged man was going to compete in the competition. Mike and I decided we would drink a miller or 4 and root against this crippled wonder. Why would I do such a thing? Well maybe I just dont like prosthetics or maybe I hate people missing limbs, but the truth is, I hate anything that tries to be falsely positive.
You see, I knew the crowd would be rooting for this guy no matter what just because he had a fake leg. I also knew the guy would lose of course, because he had a.....FAKE LEG. This pisses me off because why the fuck are 3,000 audience members going nuts over something that they have NO control of and NO real emotional connection to? Sports fans at least follow their teams through ups and downs and are rewarded as victorious by other fans when theyre team wins. With these audience members though, its like they are living vicariously through a one legged man. If I was going to live in someone elses shoes, I would make sure that someone wore TWO shoes. But hey thats just me.
Anyways, this trend is happening everywhere and I blame American Idol. Why the fuck are people bringing posterboard signs to a GAME SHOW? Its not like anything exciting is really going to happen, and its not like these people have earned their way to get to this place. Yet for some reason, thousands of jackasses go nuts over this shit and get hysterial when the contestant does the slightest thing.
Heres a better idea, how about finding a hobby you can actually participate in. Massaging my ego would be an excellent one to start with.
You see, I knew the crowd would be rooting for this guy no matter what just because he had a fake leg. I also knew the guy would lose of course, because he had a.....FAKE LEG. This pisses me off because why the fuck are 3,000 audience members going nuts over something that they have NO control of and NO real emotional connection to? Sports fans at least follow their teams through ups and downs and are rewarded as victorious by other fans when theyre team wins. With these audience members though, its like they are living vicariously through a one legged man. If I was going to live in someone elses shoes, I would make sure that someone wore TWO shoes. But hey thats just me.
Anyways, this trend is happening everywhere and I blame American Idol. Why the fuck are people bringing posterboard signs to a GAME SHOW? Its not like anything exciting is really going to happen, and its not like these people have earned their way to get to this place. Yet for some reason, thousands of jackasses go nuts over this shit and get hysterial when the contestant does the slightest thing.
Heres a better idea, how about finding a hobby you can actually participate in. Massaging my ego would be an excellent one to start with.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
A Recount of Average College Night at Local Bar
I cant stress enough the importance of staying away from nightclubs and any bar with a DJ while your still in college. Once in awhile, its fun to see the people and your probably getting laid if you really want (I do, I do). If your drunk, it could even be considered an emotionally positive experience.
This having been said, be wary of what these locales have to offer. The people, the music, the flashing lights..they are all fake. Do you ever see the people who consider themselves VIP or "regulars" at these places eating lunch at McDonalds or going to classes at college while the sun is out? Of course you dont. These people are too busy rebuilding their image so they can go out the next night and claim to be something they are not yet again. I imagine for most of these people, male and female, this means going tanning, working out, taking steroids, masturbating HEAVILY, getting a tattoo, 3 hours putting in hair gel and "product", and finally sipping a red bull while checking out facebook/myspace.
Its funny though how these same people can still come out after such a shallow and meaningless day and attempt to sell themselves as gangsters or important. Bullshit. I will kick your...scratch that....this really tough friend I have who might be retarded WILL KICK YOUR ASS if you think this is the case. If you had something, anything going on in your life youd have somewhere better to be than a hole in the wall where you are forced into social situations with other retards.
Anyways, I decided to give you guys a recount of the last time I went to a club without being kicked out within 30 minutes. It was about a year ago and I was almost 19. Here goes:
10:00 get in car. begin knocking back coors with friends.
10:30 arrive at club. continue knocking back coors with friends.
11:00 realize its been 30 minutes, get up and get out of the car. Realize I have to piss. Pee beside car.
11:01 Wave at girl who watches me pee, she doesent look impressed.
11:05 Bouncer tells friend who may be retarded he is drunk, I explain he is not drunk, just possibly retarded and show them his ID. He is allowed in.
11:15 Stand by dancefloor and stare at about 7 good looking girls in the shadows, nod my head and smoke to look preoccupied.
12:15 Work up the nerve to approach mediocre looking girl. Ride mechanical bull with her. Thrust my pelvis like Elvis to Lil John music.
1:00 She is offended by my horrible dance moves and X's on my hands. Leaves to flirt with a 21 and older type guy. Classy bitch.
1:05 Puke in bathroom. Cry a little
1:15 Get caught in "mosh pit" of Persian teenagers who seem to think they are uber-trendy. Smell of curry and grease. Im sorry persians.
1:30 Ask a girl to dance. She agrees. Look down to ask her name. Headbutt the hell out of her. Blame it on friend. Exit dancefloor and go to bar area immediatly.
1:45 Try to order beer. Dont even garner a response. Bastard.
1:50 Girl comes from behind and headbutts me. Retaliation is a bitch.
2:00 Leave bar with sore head, puke on my shirt, no sense of time or place, and a keen desire to never go to a nightclub again.
So there you have it folks. This is what you have to look forward to. Enjoy!
This having been said, be wary of what these locales have to offer. The people, the music, the flashing lights..they are all fake. Do you ever see the people who consider themselves VIP or "regulars" at these places eating lunch at McDonalds or going to classes at college while the sun is out? Of course you dont. These people are too busy rebuilding their image so they can go out the next night and claim to be something they are not yet again. I imagine for most of these people, male and female, this means going tanning, working out, taking steroids, masturbating HEAVILY, getting a tattoo, 3 hours putting in hair gel and "product", and finally sipping a red bull while checking out facebook/myspace.
Its funny though how these same people can still come out after such a shallow and meaningless day and attempt to sell themselves as gangsters or important. Bullshit. I will kick your...scratch that....this really tough friend I have who might be retarded WILL KICK YOUR ASS if you think this is the case. If you had something, anything going on in your life youd have somewhere better to be than a hole in the wall where you are forced into social situations with other retards.
Anyways, I decided to give you guys a recount of the last time I went to a club without being kicked out within 30 minutes. It was about a year ago and I was almost 19. Here goes:
10:00 get in car. begin knocking back coors with friends.
10:30 arrive at club. continue knocking back coors with friends.
11:00 realize its been 30 minutes, get up and get out of the car. Realize I have to piss. Pee beside car.
11:01 Wave at girl who watches me pee, she doesent look impressed.
11:05 Bouncer tells friend who may be retarded he is drunk, I explain he is not drunk, just possibly retarded and show them his ID. He is allowed in.
11:15 Stand by dancefloor and stare at about 7 good looking girls in the shadows, nod my head and smoke to look preoccupied.
12:15 Work up the nerve to approach mediocre looking girl. Ride mechanical bull with her. Thrust my pelvis like Elvis to Lil John music.
1:00 She is offended by my horrible dance moves and X's on my hands. Leaves to flirt with a 21 and older type guy. Classy bitch.
1:05 Puke in bathroom. Cry a little
1:15 Get caught in "mosh pit" of Persian teenagers who seem to think they are uber-trendy. Smell of curry and grease. Im sorry persians.
1:30 Ask a girl to dance. She agrees. Look down to ask her name. Headbutt the hell out of her. Blame it on friend. Exit dancefloor and go to bar area immediatly.
1:45 Try to order beer. Dont even garner a response. Bastard.
1:50 Girl comes from behind and headbutts me. Retaliation is a bitch.
2:00 Leave bar with sore head, puke on my shirt, no sense of time or place, and a keen desire to never go to a nightclub again.
So there you have it folks. This is what you have to look forward to. Enjoy!
What the hell Jesus? What the hell?
Seriously, sometimes I think I know why the lions always tried to eat the Christians back in the BC days. Obviously Christians taste no better than Jews (or do they...hmm) and theyre not that much harder to digest than a scrumptious cow. So Im betting the lions were just real pissed off about how lucky those Christians were. If those days were anything like the present, I bet the apostles were all sporting WWJD toe rings and vows of celibacy tattoed across their asses. Bastards.
All I know is that in present day America, their is a growing population of youngsters calling themselves born again Christians. This faith usually consists of promoting everything that actually sucks (no touching others..OR YOURSELF, no homosexual flirtations after a 7th steel reserve kicks in, no abortions even if the girl looks like Shreks wife, no profanity even after seeing how ugly the kid turns out to be that you really should have aborted 7 months before)by acting as though its badass to be this way. Ill tell you something though. Its not. Unfortunately, no one died and made me boss. In fact, whoever is the boss apparently hates me because hes decided to send out an endless supply of hot, sultry girls who giggle a bit too much and like to tan right beside your house while you watch from the window looking over the yard and break or imagine breaking all Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, these girls buy into the marketing scam that Christianity has become. Thus, by being a chain smoking, Catholic, Pollock who swears like a Lesbian, I have very little chance of theoretically "hitting that".
Instead, these girls will continue to fall head over heels for the guys who take them to church three times a week, wear torn Abercrombie jeans and indie button down shirts that scream "I play 3 chords on the guitar and sing John Mayer lyrics!". These same guys who wouldnt touch a beer or a cigarette, but have no problem throwing up gang signs and jokingly trying to mask the awkward sexual tension flowing through their custom jockeys.
Its as if they tease me with their absolutely ridiculous ploys to be rebellious. The born again Christians of today have outdone the guidos and the frat boys in become the saddest trend seekers of all time. They are so uncool, they think being uncool is cool. Damn.
All I know is that in present day America, their is a growing population of youngsters calling themselves born again Christians. This faith usually consists of promoting everything that actually sucks (no touching others..OR YOURSELF, no homosexual flirtations after a 7th steel reserve kicks in, no abortions even if the girl looks like Shreks wife, no profanity even after seeing how ugly the kid turns out to be that you really should have aborted 7 months before)by acting as though its badass to be this way. Ill tell you something though. Its not. Unfortunately, no one died and made me boss. In fact, whoever is the boss apparently hates me because hes decided to send out an endless supply of hot, sultry girls who giggle a bit too much and like to tan right beside your house while you watch from the window looking over the yard and break or imagine breaking all Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, these girls buy into the marketing scam that Christianity has become. Thus, by being a chain smoking, Catholic, Pollock who swears like a Lesbian, I have very little chance of theoretically "hitting that".
Instead, these girls will continue to fall head over heels for the guys who take them to church three times a week, wear torn Abercrombie jeans and indie button down shirts that scream "I play 3 chords on the guitar and sing John Mayer lyrics!". These same guys who wouldnt touch a beer or a cigarette, but have no problem throwing up gang signs and jokingly trying to mask the awkward sexual tension flowing through their custom jockeys.
Its as if they tease me with their absolutely ridiculous ploys to be rebellious. The born again Christians of today have outdone the guidos and the frat boys in become the saddest trend seekers of all time. They are so uncool, they think being uncool is cool. Damn.
Friday, April 4, 2008
What is Cool?
Im starting to get older now. My guts growing, my eyesights worse, I find myself laughing at Blazing Saddles jokes that I used to never care to understand. Im almost 20. Pretty much dead. That being said, I think I can finally determine what is cool and what is not, and I think its time for a revolution.
For many years now, American society has dictated that if you go to parties, join fraternities, and get shitfaced for facebook pictures, you are cool. If you employ any kind of literacy skills, take initiative, or defer from the crowd, your not cool.
As I get older though, Im starting to realize these things slowly stop mattering and its a wonderful feeling. I have been to countless parties in the past two years during college and sometimes I wonder if Im doing it for myself or doing it because I want to feel cool. I feel almost obligated at this point. The funny thing is, when I choose not to go to parties, I usually end up finding something more fun to do and make the kids who go to parties think im mysterious and thus a badass.
People are starting to buy into what I am saying, I think. Go to a nightclub now and all you see are the same 200 people that go every night to the same spot and mingle with the same people constantly throwing gang signs and talking as though they are in control of something which no one really knows. They never get out of that bubble. They dont see the real world, they dont care to. As they continue to live in this self-serving exsistence that eventually will be called denial, I applaud the people who say fuck it and have the Hombres to say "Fuck off" to a kid who calls himself tough or to hit up a bookstore rather than a bar. Im getting to a point in my life where I would honestly just prefer to drink beer in the woods and play horseshoes or something behind my pool. I love socializing but I dont like the people that go to these social situations. Theyre starting to get stale and I can see how quickly things will deteriorate for them. I dont want that to be me.
Im going to start capitalizing on this. Im going to say fuck off to every and any person that I dont like and if they and their "niggas" (who happen to be white) want to take it personally, im going to beat their asses and walk away. I think someone has to be the reality check, and its going to be me.
For many years now, American society has dictated that if you go to parties, join fraternities, and get shitfaced for facebook pictures, you are cool. If you employ any kind of literacy skills, take initiative, or defer from the crowd, your not cool.
As I get older though, Im starting to realize these things slowly stop mattering and its a wonderful feeling. I have been to countless parties in the past two years during college and sometimes I wonder if Im doing it for myself or doing it because I want to feel cool. I feel almost obligated at this point. The funny thing is, when I choose not to go to parties, I usually end up finding something more fun to do and make the kids who go to parties think im mysterious and thus a badass.
People are starting to buy into what I am saying, I think. Go to a nightclub now and all you see are the same 200 people that go every night to the same spot and mingle with the same people constantly throwing gang signs and talking as though they are in control of something which no one really knows. They never get out of that bubble. They dont see the real world, they dont care to. As they continue to live in this self-serving exsistence that eventually will be called denial, I applaud the people who say fuck it and have the Hombres to say "Fuck off" to a kid who calls himself tough or to hit up a bookstore rather than a bar. Im getting to a point in my life where I would honestly just prefer to drink beer in the woods and play horseshoes or something behind my pool. I love socializing but I dont like the people that go to these social situations. Theyre starting to get stale and I can see how quickly things will deteriorate for them. I dont want that to be me.
Im going to start capitalizing on this. Im going to say fuck off to every and any person that I dont like and if they and their "niggas" (who happen to be white) want to take it personally, im going to beat their asses and walk away. I think someone has to be the reality check, and its going to be me.
VIP stands for Very Irritating Prick
Everyone between the ages of 18 and 24 that goes to clubs and high end bars in Charlotte is apparently VIP. I have no idea what that means, but it seems for them as they end up waiting in lines that are longer than the normal people lines but I suppose its pretty nifty to have that title. I wish I was a VIP. Maybe than I could talk to some hollowed out chick rocking a fake ID and promising me a night of anything but pleasure. That would be awesome.
Than again...do I want to stand in line with Fruity McLoops who wears his hair spiked so high I have lost track of the moon and has so many tears in his jeans that when he turns around hes actually considered partially nude? Maybe...oh who am I kidding, fuck no. The people who go to clubs and bars enough to get the VIP gimmick from clubs are no different than the fat fucks who have Subway Free Sub stamp cards and the guy whos got a blockbuster movie pass because he gets 6 movies every friday night and doesent leave the house until sunday. Seriously, how are these people any different? They all buy into a stpid ass marketing ploy that drains their income from working at the lotion kiosk in the mall.
I dont knwo about you, but I hate when those pricks try to give me samples, my skins just naturally ashy.
Than again...do I want to stand in line with Fruity McLoops who wears his hair spiked so high I have lost track of the moon and has so many tears in his jeans that when he turns around hes actually considered partially nude? Maybe...oh who am I kidding, fuck no. The people who go to clubs and bars enough to get the VIP gimmick from clubs are no different than the fat fucks who have Subway Free Sub stamp cards and the guy whos got a blockbuster movie pass because he gets 6 movies every friday night and doesent leave the house until sunday. Seriously, how are these people any different? They all buy into a stpid ass marketing ploy that drains their income from working at the lotion kiosk in the mall.
I dont knwo about you, but I hate when those pricks try to give me samples, my skins just naturally ashy.
An Ode to the Mustasched Girl
While on the topics of weird people I regularly come across at campus everyday, I thought Id go ahead and get one more confession out there. I am scared to look at the girl sitting next to me. Shes not a bad looking girl in all actuality. Shes anatomically correct and looks Aryan which is big in my book. Unfortunately, I am not into 19th century cobblers from Austria so this girl is not for me. Sporting the type of well grown, mahogany colored mustache men named Franz and Peter wore 200 years ago, this girl is embracing a flaw that actually makes me nervous. If I look at her, Im straight up going to stare at the mustache. I want to comb it, pick the little bits of food that get caught in it out, groom it. But I dont think shed appreciate that. In fact, I already tried, and her exact words were, "Hey, I dont appreciate that!"
So now I sit next to her in class twice a week, watching as the follicles slowly grow and my temptation to shave it off only churns more powerfully within me.
So now I sit next to her in class twice a week, watching as the follicles slowly grow and my temptation to shave it off only churns more powerfully within me.
The Tragedy of the Balding 19 Year Old
I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Tall, lanky, normal looking in all natural ways except one small abnormality. What was it? I looked harder. Something was wrong...something about his face...no his head...it wasnt adding up. I approached the young man, got about 3 inches from his face and told him to hold still. He blushed and looked down, ashamed. And that I realized it. This young man had a receeding hairline.
Oh how awful he must feel. A future marred with purchases of rogaine and soon after, toupees. No man can look baldness in the eye and seriously say, "I am at peace with this illness."
This student I spotted on campus is just one of many young people walking around me everyday. I try not to touch them or make eye contact normally as I consider a receeding hairline to be equivalent to AIDs. No matter what you try and do to cure it, society will still look at you with a mixture of pity and shame.
I am sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest. It feels as though I wrote something that will inspire all the balding kids trying to compensate by wearing nifty t-shirts and baggy pants to come to grips with this sickness and seek treatment or go away from society. Just stay the hell away from me and my thick and lustrous hair. I know you want to steal it.
Oh how awful he must feel. A future marred with purchases of rogaine and soon after, toupees. No man can look baldness in the eye and seriously say, "I am at peace with this illness."
This student I spotted on campus is just one of many young people walking around me everyday. I try not to touch them or make eye contact normally as I consider a receeding hairline to be equivalent to AIDs. No matter what you try and do to cure it, society will still look at you with a mixture of pity and shame.
I am sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest. It feels as though I wrote something that will inspire all the balding kids trying to compensate by wearing nifty t-shirts and baggy pants to come to grips with this sickness and seek treatment or go away from society. Just stay the hell away from me and my thick and lustrous hair. I know you want to steal it.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
College Stressing You Out? Just Quit Now.
UNC-Charlotte is offering up some seminar (oppurtunity to sit next to frisky looking freshmen girls) on handling the stress of college. Im pretty sure the attractive female head count will be quite high for this event. Even better, the goofy Polish guy head count will remain at just one, myself. At least I wont have competition...
Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.
Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.
You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.
So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.
10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...
Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.
Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.
You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.
So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.
10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fat Girls vs. Ugly Girls- A Zero Sum Game
I have long debated with friends, family, and higher-ups the scenario of choosing between a fat girl and an ugly girl. Its a question that haunts me day and night, knowing deep down one day I will be forced to choose after a large supply of viagra and Budweiser. Its not a decision I want to make, knowing full well neither will leave me satisfied or optimistic, but I have decided today I will come to terms with lifes great question and determine who is better to go home with at the end of a long night, the fat girl or the ugly girl.
On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.
On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.
Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.
At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.
On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.
On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.
Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.
At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.
Smoking, A Healthy Habit for Children and Adults Both!
Truth.com wants you to believe smoking is "not hip". Rob Reiner wants you to believe smoking is rude and disgusting. Your doctor wants you to believe that by smoking your going to end up a very ugly and sickly old man...at the age of 27.
Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.
In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.
2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.
3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.
4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.
5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.
So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.
Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.
In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.
2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.
3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.
4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.
5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.
So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
13 Year Old Skateboarders Give Me Ulcers
I'm only 19. I shouldnt have to worry about stress and ulcers. I certainly could be labeled relaxed in most aspects of my life anyways. Unfortunately, I also live on the same street as some little shits who call themselves skateboarders.
I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.
In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.
Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.
Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.
I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.
In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.
Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.
Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.
The Fall of Rolling Stone Magazine
I get Rolling Stone in the mail every other week. Its fun to look at the pictures and place the glossy cover on my coffee table so all of my sophisticated friends can think of me as edgy, but smart.
Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.
According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.
The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.
Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.
According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.
The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.
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