1 Beer- All of a sudden I forget I was supposed to turn off the oven, I forget I am failing two classes and teetering on probation once again, I forget I just got a speeding ticket one week before my insurance dropped.
2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.
3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!
4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.
5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!
6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.
7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.
8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.
9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.
10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"
11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.
12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
What Your Major Says About You
I needed a column that really opens up the site to new possibilities and new readers (sorry mom i need more than one). That said, I decided all my judging of people and analysis could be put together to typecast each person in college, simply by their major. I know im right on with this bad boy too.
1.Architecture: Smart, efficient, hiding one single emotional scar that will tail them for life, clean cut, sarcastic
2. Art History- Smell musty, have been locked in library book shelves before, too much pubic hair on the face, liberal elitist, future McDonalds historian (cashier)
3. Biology-Humble, low key, ugly as all get out
4. Business- Unlikeable, believe you have charisma when its in fact a slight retardation, very little to no real business skills.
5. Communications- Very boring and hard to communicate with unless it involves that person and his/her boring life. Less attractive than youd think.
6. Engineering- Like biology only foriegners who are uglier than all get out, smarter than all get out too though.
7. Foriegn Language- Future migrant laborer
8. Geography- Watched Indiana Jones as a child, masturbate to Harrison Ford frequently.
9. Healthcare- You clean asses and touch sick people for a living. I will never allow you to touch me without a glove on. If thats ok, than we should totally get to know one another.
10. Math/Stat- You were smart in high school, fell in love with how accpeting a college full of kids like you could be, than quickly realized your department is dreary, your teachers are dreary, and the kids walking in and out of the Arts and Sciences classes are having much better lives.
11. English- You have no redeemable talent to society. I am so sorry.
12. Information Technology- You will keep the seat warm for Raji in Bangladash for a few years. You will also be meeting a girl from Art History and having terribly sad relations, but who gives a shit, your in IT.
13. Web Design: You read my blogs and laugh at how low technology they are and slap high fives. One day, Ill make you all re-design my blogs for free because if you dont, Ill beat up your children. So take that.
14. Teaching- Good looking girls, nice enough guys, absolute air of arrogance and self assuredness that smells of fish. Thats unfortunate I know.
15. Political Science- You like to wear your hair a bit scraggly, read some Socialistg Realism, and sip wine while listening to NPR. You have endless one liners. Unfortunately, outside talking Marx v. Lenin, your social skills are as capable as Borat.
1.Architecture: Smart, efficient, hiding one single emotional scar that will tail them for life, clean cut, sarcastic
2. Art History- Smell musty, have been locked in library book shelves before, too much pubic hair on the face, liberal elitist, future McDonalds historian (cashier)
3. Biology-Humble, low key, ugly as all get out
4. Business- Unlikeable, believe you have charisma when its in fact a slight retardation, very little to no real business skills.
5. Communications- Very boring and hard to communicate with unless it involves that person and his/her boring life. Less attractive than youd think.
6. Engineering- Like biology only foriegners who are uglier than all get out, smarter than all get out too though.
7. Foriegn Language- Future migrant laborer
8. Geography- Watched Indiana Jones as a child, masturbate to Harrison Ford frequently.
9. Healthcare- You clean asses and touch sick people for a living. I will never allow you to touch me without a glove on. If thats ok, than we should totally get to know one another.
10. Math/Stat- You were smart in high school, fell in love with how accpeting a college full of kids like you could be, than quickly realized your department is dreary, your teachers are dreary, and the kids walking in and out of the Arts and Sciences classes are having much better lives.
11. English- You have no redeemable talent to society. I am so sorry.
12. Information Technology- You will keep the seat warm for Raji in Bangladash for a few years. You will also be meeting a girl from Art History and having terribly sad relations, but who gives a shit, your in IT.
13. Web Design: You read my blogs and laugh at how low technology they are and slap high fives. One day, Ill make you all re-design my blogs for free because if you dont, Ill beat up your children. So take that.
14. Teaching- Good looking girls, nice enough guys, absolute air of arrogance and self assuredness that smells of fish. Thats unfortunate I know.
15. Political Science- You like to wear your hair a bit scraggly, read some Socialistg Realism, and sip wine while listening to NPR. You have endless one liners. Unfortunately, outside talking Marx v. Lenin, your social skills are as capable as Borat.
Top 5 Worst College Movies of All-Time
1. American Pie 2
2. Sydney White
3. Dorm Daze 1 and 2
4. Stomp the Yard
5. Old School
Im not getting into detail here. American Pie plays off cliches that I cant even fathom anymore. Sydney White has Amanda Bynes who went from cute, to average, to below average in about 6 months. Someone get her some coke and red bull. National Lampoons Dorm Daze is exactly the shit college kids eat up and try to recreate. Well I hate it cause the fat kid from old Disney Movies circa 1995 is in it, but hes not too fat anymore so hes just ugly. Stomp the Yard is spoken in jive, not english, so i couldnt even begin to judge it. Old School had a good cast but sorta made you believe girls actually want to meet Vince Vaughn and Andy Dick.
2. Sydney White
3. Dorm Daze 1 and 2
4. Stomp the Yard
5. Old School
Im not getting into detail here. American Pie plays off cliches that I cant even fathom anymore. Sydney White has Amanda Bynes who went from cute, to average, to below average in about 6 months. Someone get her some coke and red bull. National Lampoons Dorm Daze is exactly the shit college kids eat up and try to recreate. Well I hate it cause the fat kid from old Disney Movies circa 1995 is in it, but hes not too fat anymore so hes just ugly. Stomp the Yard is spoken in jive, not english, so i couldnt even begin to judge it. Old School had a good cast but sorta made you believe girls actually want to meet Vince Vaughn and Andy Dick.
I Dont Want Your F'ing Flier
Im walking to my car, trying to check and see if my car was the most recent victim of vandilzation, when all of a sudden I realize im being yelled at. I turned around and two smallish sorority girls who definitely stem from the "were not that hot but defintely slutty" branch are glaring at me, causing a ruckus. Apparently, while daydreaming on my walk to the car, I passed them while they tried to hand me a flier for a dollar off entrance to some new club downtown. I never even noticed them. Uusally, if your not super attractive and smell like roses/tulips....Im going to walk right on by. Sorry. But these girls wouldnt drop it. They make a dramatic scene out of it, calling me a jerk and acting as though im the retarded one who cant get a real job and needs to pass out fliers to burnt out clubs that change names but keep the same fucking themes and crowds.
Oh well, at least my car wasnt vandalized.
Oh well, at least my car wasnt vandalized.
Every College Kid Should Run for President
Its official. 100 percent of the students I have polled (made up in my head) have claimed that they are fit to be president. Its astounding that in a country where less than 10 percent of the population even finds the job admirable, such a whopping percentage of young, ignorant, elitists seem to think they could reach out to a divided country.
Whether it be the Christian but still reaaaaalllly indie Starbucks sippin "brah" or the over-the-top wine cooler swigging frat boy, College students all feel they could lead the country better than leaders with decades of experience. Alfred "Pimpin'" Schwartzman proclaimed to me in front of his Black History class that "President Bush is jus stealing that oil, whack ass motherfucker! I would git us da fuck out Iraq and get sum dat healthcare!" Expecting the rest of the class to applaud this young Jewish mans vibrant black attitude, I was pleased to see everyone look on with disdain. Mario DeMario, a young African American student carjacked than taunted "Pimpin" after class...no word if this was in reaction to the comments.
Still, the underlying thought on college campuses around the country is clear, "We are better than you!" With the intensity and commitment of Nazi Youth but the physical power and street smarts of a Nicole Richie, this makes for a demographic with one tremendous bark, and one laughable bite.
Whether it be the Christian but still reaaaaalllly indie Starbucks sippin "brah" or the over-the-top wine cooler swigging frat boy, College students all feel they could lead the country better than leaders with decades of experience. Alfred "Pimpin'" Schwartzman proclaimed to me in front of his Black History class that "President Bush is jus stealing that oil, whack ass motherfucker! I would git us da fuck out Iraq and get sum dat healthcare!" Expecting the rest of the class to applaud this young Jewish mans vibrant black attitude, I was pleased to see everyone look on with disdain. Mario DeMario, a young African American student carjacked than taunted "Pimpin" after class...no word if this was in reaction to the comments.
Still, the underlying thought on college campuses around the country is clear, "We are better than you!" With the intensity and commitment of Nazi Youth but the physical power and street smarts of a Nicole Richie, this makes for a demographic with one tremendous bark, and one laughable bite.
Ways to Become Famous for Having a Blog:
I get this thought in my head all the time. Im sitting around, smoking and eating green olives and staring down passerbys, and all of a sudden I start thinking, man...I have so much more potential than these shitheads. I bet if I wrote a blog, people would listen.
And than I exhale.
Jesus, what a stupid idea. Sadly, a lot of you people seem to disagree with me. Too many of you bastards believe blogs are the wave of the future. Im here to tell you, no one got rich AND happy off blogging. Tucker Max has discarded his blogs, Maddox as well. The two most famous commentary guys in the world got to the pinnacle of blog-success, only to decide theyd much rather be c-list celeberities. So keep your chin up all you future Ryan Holidays and Bill Simmons', cause here are 3 ways you CAN become rich and famous and endlessly satisfied from blogging:
1. Get a webcam, a farm animal, and a vivid imagination
2. Take cheesy 80s songs and put them to the background of clips from melocramatic tv shows.
3. Critique every aspect of mainstream society because you are edgy as hell.
If your willing to try any of these methods, you will surely find happiness in the blogosophere!
And than I exhale.
Jesus, what a stupid idea. Sadly, a lot of you people seem to disagree with me. Too many of you bastards believe blogs are the wave of the future. Im here to tell you, no one got rich AND happy off blogging. Tucker Max has discarded his blogs, Maddox as well. The two most famous commentary guys in the world got to the pinnacle of blog-success, only to decide theyd much rather be c-list celeberities. So keep your chin up all you future Ryan Holidays and Bill Simmons', cause here are 3 ways you CAN become rich and famous and endlessly satisfied from blogging:
1. Get a webcam, a farm animal, and a vivid imagination
2. Take cheesy 80s songs and put them to the background of clips from melocramatic tv shows.
3. Critique every aspect of mainstream society because you are edgy as hell.
If your willing to try any of these methods, you will surely find happiness in the blogosophere!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Wedding Weekend
In case you havent tried it, I have realized this weekend that it is absolutely vital for everyone between the ages of 18 and 21 to attend a wedding. If this involves breaking into a synagogue, sneaking onto the beach, or simply watching your friends get hitched, dont ask questions, just do it.
This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).
For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.
In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.
Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.
-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.
-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.
-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".
-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.
-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.
This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).
For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.
In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.
Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.
-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.
-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.
-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".
-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.
-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.
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