I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Tall, lanky, normal looking in all natural ways except one small abnormality. What was it? I looked harder. Something was wrong...something about his face...no his head...it wasnt adding up. I approached the young man, got about 3 inches from his face and told him to hold still. He blushed and looked down, ashamed. And that I realized it. This young man had a receeding hairline.
Oh how awful he must feel. A future marred with purchases of rogaine and soon after, toupees. No man can look baldness in the eye and seriously say, "I am at peace with this illness."
This student I spotted on campus is just one of many young people walking around me everyday. I try not to touch them or make eye contact normally as I consider a receeding hairline to be equivalent to AIDs. No matter what you try and do to cure it, society will still look at you with a mixture of pity and shame.
I am sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest. It feels as though I wrote something that will inspire all the balding kids trying to compensate by wearing nifty t-shirts and baggy pants to come to grips with this sickness and seek treatment or go away from society. Just stay the hell away from me and my thick and lustrous hair. I know you want to steal it.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
College Stressing You Out? Just Quit Now.
UNC-Charlotte is offering up some seminar (oppurtunity to sit next to frisky looking freshmen girls) on handling the stress of college. Im pretty sure the attractive female head count will be quite high for this event. Even better, the goofy Polish guy head count will remain at just one, myself. At least I wont have competition...
Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.
Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.
You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.
So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.
10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...
Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.
Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.
You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.
So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.
10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fat Girls vs. Ugly Girls- A Zero Sum Game
I have long debated with friends, family, and higher-ups the scenario of choosing between a fat girl and an ugly girl. Its a question that haunts me day and night, knowing deep down one day I will be forced to choose after a large supply of viagra and Budweiser. Its not a decision I want to make, knowing full well neither will leave me satisfied or optimistic, but I have decided today I will come to terms with lifes great question and determine who is better to go home with at the end of a long night, the fat girl or the ugly girl.
On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.
On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.
Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.
At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.
On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.
On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.
Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.
At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.
Smoking, A Healthy Habit for Children and Adults Both!
Truth.com wants you to believe smoking is "not hip". Rob Reiner wants you to believe smoking is rude and disgusting. Your doctor wants you to believe that by smoking your going to end up a very ugly and sickly old man...at the age of 27.
Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.
In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.
2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.
3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.
4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.
5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.
So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.
Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.
In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.
2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.
3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.
4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.
5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.
So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
13 Year Old Skateboarders Give Me Ulcers
I'm only 19. I shouldnt have to worry about stress and ulcers. I certainly could be labeled relaxed in most aspects of my life anyways. Unfortunately, I also live on the same street as some little shits who call themselves skateboarders.
I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.
In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.
Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.
Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.
I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.
In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.
Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.
Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.
The Fall of Rolling Stone Magazine
I get Rolling Stone in the mail every other week. Its fun to look at the pictures and place the glossy cover on my coffee table so all of my sophisticated friends can think of me as edgy, but smart.
Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.
According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.
The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.
Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.
According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.
The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The College Clubber: A Horrifying Combo
The trendy flavor for this week is the College Clubber. You know who I am talking about, and honestly, theres a good chance its probably you. Im not one to pass judgement (lie) but after being handed 1393848 fliers while walking to classes and being subjected to 2928348438 facebook pictures of dudes throwing gang signs inside clubs while surrounded by mediocre chicks, I had to speak out. Consider it my intervention party.
Enough is enough, though. Just because you go to the same spot 6 nights a week and know the bartenders by name, I am supposed to belive it when you say your living the good life? I've tried the clubbing game. All I found was the same thing over and over. Dudes with dark hair and dark, fake tans pounding it followed closely by ravenous looking girls who look great after a 12 pack of High Life but probably resemble Rosie O'Donnell the next morning. Yet somehow, these people never seem to get sick of it. They seem to thrive inside this little bubble they have created where they are celebrities in their minds because they can go out and mingle at nice looking bars.
Come on jackasses, ANYONE could get into the VIP section at ANY bar. Just because your doing it doesent mean everyone else should. Believe me, you can spit as many Kanye West and Jay Z lyrics out and talk about how big a pimp you are all night long, but the next morning, Im certain your getting into your car, pumping up the Fray and crying over the tab you ran up buying Layla, the Staten Island girls drinks only to see her go off with your friend Tito. Its ok, though, Im sure theyres 7,000 other Persian twentysomethings with daddys credit card looking to be your clubbing body and tan with you, I promise.
Enough is enough, though. Just because you go to the same spot 6 nights a week and know the bartenders by name, I am supposed to belive it when you say your living the good life? I've tried the clubbing game. All I found was the same thing over and over. Dudes with dark hair and dark, fake tans pounding it followed closely by ravenous looking girls who look great after a 12 pack of High Life but probably resemble Rosie O'Donnell the next morning. Yet somehow, these people never seem to get sick of it. They seem to thrive inside this little bubble they have created where they are celebrities in their minds because they can go out and mingle at nice looking bars.
Come on jackasses, ANYONE could get into the VIP section at ANY bar. Just because your doing it doesent mean everyone else should. Believe me, you can spit as many Kanye West and Jay Z lyrics out and talk about how big a pimp you are all night long, but the next morning, Im certain your getting into your car, pumping up the Fray and crying over the tab you ran up buying Layla, the Staten Island girls drinks only to see her go off with your friend Tito. Its ok, though, Im sure theyres 7,000 other Persian twentysomethings with daddys credit card looking to be your clubbing body and tan with you, I promise.
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