I'm not one to jump into any trend. That may be why I made a site mocking trends. Than again, I did sorta jump onto that whole blogging trend...well shit....fuck it thats not the point. For the last few weeks in class I have had a pain in the ass classmate so annoying, I believe he has actually infected my ass. Its that bad.
I should have known shit would go sour the moment I first saw him. Short, latino, wearing a floppy hat and all too quick to take off his crocks and go without footwear during class. This guy had "Low self esteem" written all over him. Unfortunately, when you have low self esteem, you may at times feel obliged to over-exagerate your confidence and become loud and obnoxious. This was the case with this S.O.B.
Talking in loud, overly positive tones, he quickly began asking questions, pretending he was so relaxed he could almost fall asleep, and oddly enough he seemed to be having fun in class. He tapped girls on the shoulder than smiled at them and said it wasnt him, he befriended a blind guy, and he kept mentioning that we should come out to a "realllly good christian indie concert" with him...the truth was in the pudding.
Sadly, yesterday he finally decided he was getting sick of hitting on fat and ugly girls who like his flirtatious yet non threatening behavior. He decided to turn that last stone over and get to know me. I am not a quiet guy normally, but when someone is as obnoxious and happy as him, I tend to stick to myself. That didnt last long, though. Yesterday, when the professor got my name wrong, the little shit head decided that he had found an in. "Hey brah, you should tell him to pronounce it right!!teheeehee!" I smiled at him grimly, not trying to destroy his fragile ego but not trying to encourage him anymore.
This smile apparently was a bad decision. Three minutes later he asks me whats up out of the blue. Before I can respond with a grunt, he calls out "The sky!!" than laughs his ass off. Some douchebag in the back laughed to. I hate that person as well.
At the end of class, I was shaken by his attempts to penetrate my hostility but determined to get out of the room intact. Unfortunately, he comes flying behind me at 40 miles an hour, his little legs pattering against the ground so hard, and he tags my ass. "Your it! Tehehe!!" he than flies away, quickly pursued by another unidentified douchebag.
I got home determined to understand what makes this runt tick. After hours of research, I concluded that he was motivated to impress others because of his small size and at an early age he was given the choice of being overly conforming and friendly, or being picked on as a small piece of shit. Clearly, this young man made a jackass choice. He has become a festering ass pain like none other. I hope hes happy.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I ABSSSSOLUTELY love those Southern Gentlemen!
As per usual, during about the 5th hour of facebook stalking I had endured today after work, I was disgusted to discover a new group I had been invited to, "I Love my Southern Gentleman!".
Now...normally I just hit deny and go back to my search for nip slips. Today, however, I was much too curious to see just how backwards the world has come to. From the moment the home page loaded, I was blinded with croakies and cheesy bitches who still call black people "coloreds". Could I possibly have stumbled into the new gate to hell? Could everything thats wrong with the world actually be summed up in one facebook page?
The answer is yes.
35 pictures of chubby frat boys with names like Grayson and Carlton waving Blue Moon that they likely never finish and visors saying shit like "Oak Ridge Slaveholders Club", 100 wall posts from girls without a single flaw praising these guys, and not one man brave enough to have challenged these people so far. I was appalled.
Call me a hater, call me jealous, but I think we need to clarify some shit here.
1.)The Southern Gentlemen are guys who ride on boats theyre parents purchased.
2.)The Southern Gentlemen belieive they are handsome and manly, even though they had a servant put on those lift kits to the custom Jeep and they lack chins due to poor genetics from their British and inbred roots.
3.)Southern Gentlemen like to go out of their way to fulfill a stereotype, even if it means selling their soul. This includes relentlessly hitting on every girl in site by telling her, "Hey, you should come drink Bud Light on my dads boat with me!" or "Hey, let me hold that door for you, god knows im strong enough!"
4.)The Southern Gentleman is extremely scared of everyone not named Grayson or Carlton and will usually avoid contact with anyone outside of their tax bracket. This may be because they are elitists, or it may just be because they will indeed get a massive ass whooping which no man can measure.
So please, refrain from the Southern Gentleman comments, these jackasses cant even string together their own croakies let alone be someone unique.
Now...normally I just hit deny and go back to my search for nip slips. Today, however, I was much too curious to see just how backwards the world has come to. From the moment the home page loaded, I was blinded with croakies and cheesy bitches who still call black people "coloreds". Could I possibly have stumbled into the new gate to hell? Could everything thats wrong with the world actually be summed up in one facebook page?
The answer is yes.
35 pictures of chubby frat boys with names like Grayson and Carlton waving Blue Moon that they likely never finish and visors saying shit like "Oak Ridge Slaveholders Club", 100 wall posts from girls without a single flaw praising these guys, and not one man brave enough to have challenged these people so far. I was appalled.
Call me a hater, call me jealous, but I think we need to clarify some shit here.
1.)The Southern Gentlemen are guys who ride on boats theyre parents purchased.
2.)The Southern Gentlemen belieive they are handsome and manly, even though they had a servant put on those lift kits to the custom Jeep and they lack chins due to poor genetics from their British and inbred roots.
3.)Southern Gentlemen like to go out of their way to fulfill a stereotype, even if it means selling their soul. This includes relentlessly hitting on every girl in site by telling her, "Hey, you should come drink Bud Light on my dads boat with me!" or "Hey, let me hold that door for you, god knows im strong enough!"
4.)The Southern Gentleman is extremely scared of everyone not named Grayson or Carlton and will usually avoid contact with anyone outside of their tax bracket. This may be because they are elitists, or it may just be because they will indeed get a massive ass whooping which no man can measure.
So please, refrain from the Southern Gentleman comments, these jackasses cant even string together their own croakies let alone be someone unique.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Possible Facebook Apps 2 Weeks From Now
I'm getting pretty gosh darn tired of all the poking, ranking, and overall horseplay being promoted by Facebook. Its a known fact that Facebook Poking causes 5 percent of college pregnancies every year. Do we really need that!!?!?!? With the absurd new applications popping out every day like a Mexican at the Unemployment Office, I thought I would go ahead and introduce a few of the new apps bound to become available to the public.
1. Facebook Poker
-God knows some Asian kid is going to take this too far and start raving about how pimp his 300,000 facebook poker chips are...
2. Facebook...and Beyond
-Im holding out hope for this one, an "adult" facebook where people can reveal a little more than just their face..if you catch my drift...boobs....i meant boobies...
3.) Facebook Spam
- Some dumb ass is going to introduce spam to facebook and in a matter of minutes im going to find out that new wall post wasnt from a hot girl, but instead, a girl named Lavondah who wants to sell me penile implants. Cmon Lavondah, I dont need implants...just a helping hand!
4.)Facebook Popularity Meter
-Just how popular are you amongst your friends? Well why not let facebook ruin your life and tell you? This ones just about a lock to ruin the life of every girl who told herself she was indie and turned out to be ugly...sorry sweetie.
1. Facebook Poker
-God knows some Asian kid is going to take this too far and start raving about how pimp his 300,000 facebook poker chips are...
2. Facebook...and Beyond
-Im holding out hope for this one, an "adult" facebook where people can reveal a little more than just their face..if you catch my drift...boobs....i meant boobies...
3.) Facebook Spam
- Some dumb ass is going to introduce spam to facebook and in a matter of minutes im going to find out that new wall post wasnt from a hot girl, but instead, a girl named Lavondah who wants to sell me penile implants. Cmon Lavondah, I dont need implants...just a helping hand!
4.)Facebook Popularity Meter
-Just how popular are you amongst your friends? Well why not let facebook ruin your life and tell you? This ones just about a lock to ruin the life of every girl who told herself she was indie and turned out to be ugly...sorry sweetie.
5 Easy Ways to Save Money During Your First Year
My first year in college, I burnt through cash like Pacman Jones at a Strip Club. I was making it rain from the cafeteria to the nightclub every day. By Summer Break I was eating crack rock flavored cocoa puffs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Dont let this happen to you, by following these 5 easy suggestions, you can save hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year!
1.) Steal From the Bookstore
----Bookstore workers are either a.) incompetent people who wear school spirit wear or b.) ugly people who wear school spirit wear and dont look as good as the first type. Either way, your not going to get caught stealing from the bookstore. The first type of person wouldnt even realize you were stealing 4 bottles of Tylenol and a whole curriculum set on nude art. The ugly workers on the other hand, might realize you are stealing, but are far too intimidated by your impressive physique to question you. Cast a scowl on them and walk away!
2.) Dont Bring Your Car
----"No, asshole, I dont have to be DD just because you couldnt afford to bring a car to college!" sound like a conversation you often find yourself in? Avoid this by trading in your car for a pair of sporty roller blades. The girls/guys will be catcalling at you day and night!
3.)Attend Christian Oriented Activities
----Hey, who wants to party with Jesus?!?!? Sure, he doesent have any beer or kegs, but any party in the name of the Jesus is going to have free food, innocently hott chicks, and...well thats about it...but hey why the hell not?
4.)Steal from Frat Parties
----This is a personal favirote. For every frat party that demands you X your hand if your under 21, you should steal at least 4-5 items of value. You could see a lamp or a beat up paddle to the grimy Mexicans at a nearby flea market for at least 10-12 dollars. Thats big money man. We are talking an 18 pack of shit beer.
5.) Gamble
----God man, just do it, dont be a pussy! Gamble that scholarship away! It gives life an interesting zest when your washing the basketball teams dirty laundry for a year all so they wont hit that free throw that kills your spread. Hell Yes!
Dont let this happen to you, by following these 5 easy suggestions, you can save hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year!
1.) Steal From the Bookstore
----Bookstore workers are either a.) incompetent people who wear school spirit wear or b.) ugly people who wear school spirit wear and dont look as good as the first type. Either way, your not going to get caught stealing from the bookstore. The first type of person wouldnt even realize you were stealing 4 bottles of Tylenol and a whole curriculum set on nude art. The ugly workers on the other hand, might realize you are stealing, but are far too intimidated by your impressive physique to question you. Cast a scowl on them and walk away!
2.) Dont Bring Your Car
----"No, asshole, I dont have to be DD just because you couldnt afford to bring a car to college!" sound like a conversation you often find yourself in? Avoid this by trading in your car for a pair of sporty roller blades. The girls/guys will be catcalling at you day and night!
3.)Attend Christian Oriented Activities
----Hey, who wants to party with Jesus?!?!? Sure, he doesent have any beer or kegs, but any party in the name of the Jesus is going to have free food, innocently hott chicks, and...well thats about it...but hey why the hell not?
4.)Steal from Frat Parties
----This is a personal favirote. For every frat party that demands you X your hand if your under 21, you should steal at least 4-5 items of value. You could see a lamp or a beat up paddle to the grimy Mexicans at a nearby flea market for at least 10-12 dollars. Thats big money man. We are talking an 18 pack of shit beer.
5.) Gamble
----God man, just do it, dont be a pussy! Gamble that scholarship away! It gives life an interesting zest when your washing the basketball teams dirty laundry for a year all so they wont hit that free throw that kills your spread. Hell Yes!
Gross, Its a Blemish!
Listen guys, if their is one thing you want to make sure and do as the school year starts, this is it. Avoid anyone who appears flawed. Trust me. If you want to make friends, now is the time to start weeding out the bad or not-quite-ripe seeds. Old high school pal walk with a gimp? Run away, CoEd, Run away! Hes only going to make everyone think hes your boyfriend!
Wheelchair bound buddy's novelty starting to wear off at parties? Bust a pipe over those wheels and leave him to fend for himself.
I'm serious here, boys and girls, ditch the flawed friends before you get ditched yourself. Yeah, at first everyones going to be extra nice to mustasche girl and midget boy because they feel pity. But guess what, your not mustasche girl or midget boy. Your just the even lamer friend stuck with them.
No matter how deep the bond or how much you owe them, cut the ties now pal, because youll be better off and better looking come tommorow!
Wheelchair bound buddy's novelty starting to wear off at parties? Bust a pipe over those wheels and leave him to fend for himself.
I'm serious here, boys and girls, ditch the flawed friends before you get ditched yourself. Yeah, at first everyones going to be extra nice to mustasche girl and midget boy because they feel pity. But guess what, your not mustasche girl or midget boy. Your just the even lamer friend stuck with them.
No matter how deep the bond or how much you owe them, cut the ties now pal, because youll be better off and better looking come tommorow!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Ways to Look Mature in Time for College
Troubled by your boyish face and hairless legs? Concerned about your squaky voice and frail figure? No need to fear, Class of '11, Flavor of the Weak is here. We know how scary it can be in the weeks leading up to the first day of classes. Everyones so damn insistent on "becoming" a college student as soon as they graduate high school. This metamorphisis is a tricky, and completely false transformation, but one that the majority of 18 year olds feel they need to experience in order to be just like the college kids theyve seen in classics like Van Wilder and American Pie 2.
So, how do you go from being High School Henry to College Chuck? Follow our simple 5 step plan and youll see results in no time. People will be mistaking you for a sophisticated looking douchebag, rather than an acne ridden turd in no time!!
Step 1: Grow a Beard of Get a G-String
Not to be considered a viable choice for either genders, this is meant more as seperate suggestions for seperates sexes. For men, growing a beard is that easiest way to say, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college, and Im totally laidback!!!!!" for girls, the g-string says, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college and im totally ready to try a threesome with some sweaty frat guys!!!" Bonus points for a beard that extends beyond goatee proportions, girls will defintely find you bohemian, and thats considered a plus in coffee shop circles and within theatre student hangouts (Bagel Joints and lame parties)...
2. Yawn all the Time!
-Your in college now, your so totally over high school and your really living the college life by staying out LATE! Make sure everyone knows it by yawning every 5-10 seconds. This is especially effective when with a hottie and trying to kill that awkward silence. Just eat a tic tac beforehand.
3. IPOD baby, IPOD
-C'mon, what can possibly be more fucking hip than an ipod?! Dont even try me, and IPOD is the single coolest thing ever made. Much cooler than the wheel or the gay-dar. Seriously, carry that IPOD around so everyone can know you research you indie bands and you have an inner urge to pop it and lock it! Plus, the hip young black man in the commercials wearing his IPOD defintely went to college for a good 10 years, he knows all about living the college life.
4. Talk Black
-Its bad enough black people skip me in line all the fucking time and cut me off while driving. They also feel the need to force our young college students to speak like themselves whenever attempting to seem cool. The most common example of this is the faggot frat guy who likes to "holler" at girls...or should I call them his "shawties". I dont care to go into how many of the college students who fill hip enough to use black slang would be found dead after spending a night in the hood. I just know the number would be high. Very high. Sodomy and necrophilia would be involved. Stay out of the hood, waysome college students, keep your black lingo on campus where no one can challenge you.
5. Go Greek
-What better way to experience college than by going greek. Youve seen the movies, you know the alumni, and youve heard the stories. Its time to show everyone just how fucking awesome shotgunning Natty Light, in fact, is. Do it with pride, young students, for its not every day you get to wake up besides a bunch of drunk dudes forced to shower in the same communal bathroom. Mature. Very Mature!
So, how do you go from being High School Henry to College Chuck? Follow our simple 5 step plan and youll see results in no time. People will be mistaking you for a sophisticated looking douchebag, rather than an acne ridden turd in no time!!
Step 1: Grow a Beard of Get a G-String
Not to be considered a viable choice for either genders, this is meant more as seperate suggestions for seperates sexes. For men, growing a beard is that easiest way to say, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college, and Im totally laidback!!!!!" for girls, the g-string says, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college and im totally ready to try a threesome with some sweaty frat guys!!!" Bonus points for a beard that extends beyond goatee proportions, girls will defintely find you bohemian, and thats considered a plus in coffee shop circles and within theatre student hangouts (Bagel Joints and lame parties)...
2. Yawn all the Time!
-Your in college now, your so totally over high school and your really living the college life by staying out LATE! Make sure everyone knows it by yawning every 5-10 seconds. This is especially effective when with a hottie and trying to kill that awkward silence. Just eat a tic tac beforehand.
3. IPOD baby, IPOD
-C'mon, what can possibly be more fucking hip than an ipod?! Dont even try me, and IPOD is the single coolest thing ever made. Much cooler than the wheel or the gay-dar. Seriously, carry that IPOD around so everyone can know you research you indie bands and you have an inner urge to pop it and lock it! Plus, the hip young black man in the commercials wearing his IPOD defintely went to college for a good 10 years, he knows all about living the college life.
4. Talk Black
-Its bad enough black people skip me in line all the fucking time and cut me off while driving. They also feel the need to force our young college students to speak like themselves whenever attempting to seem cool. The most common example of this is the faggot frat guy who likes to "holler" at girls...or should I call them his "shawties". I dont care to go into how many of the college students who fill hip enough to use black slang would be found dead after spending a night in the hood. I just know the number would be high. Very high. Sodomy and necrophilia would be involved. Stay out of the hood, waysome college students, keep your black lingo on campus where no one can challenge you.
5. Go Greek
-What better way to experience college than by going greek. Youve seen the movies, you know the alumni, and youve heard the stories. Its time to show everyone just how fucking awesome shotgunning Natty Light, in fact, is. Do it with pride, young students, for its not every day you get to wake up besides a bunch of drunk dudes forced to shower in the same communal bathroom. Mature. Very Mature!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Free Balling
This is a trend that Flavor of the Weak would like to begin. We think free balling is going to be a major part of the future. When you freeball, you show your so damn busy being fucking cool that you only have time to unzip your pants and piss. No time for fiddling with briefs or boxers. When your getting laid, your just a tug of the pants away. The only caution we want to issue is freeballing in denim. This just has too many adverse effects, including severe rashes and zipper issues.
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