Pre-Alcoholics Society

The time has come, when a few enlightened, sophisticated young men must stand up for what it is they believe in and fight a battle that will test them in every way imaginable.

People of Charlotte and its surrounding hoods and suburbs, I have decided to form the Pre-Alcoholics Society. What this society represents is a group of young people willing to give up all the gang signs, all the facebook taunting, all the jager-bombs and red bull breakfasts and embark on a mission to drink beer, and drink it often. Too many imposters walk the streets of Charlotte claiming they can drink any man under the table. These people trick the girls we know and love into believing them and before you know it, your drinking alone again while they share a Bud Lite with your girlfriend.

Its time we re-claimed our streets. We must challenge these posers to drinking games, promote events in which they will be forced to back up their bravado, and drink until we become homeless or full fledged alcoholics.

In the wide world of drinking, there are no winners and certainly no glamour, simply those who passed out and those who did not. Let fate decided which one you become tonight.

Lil Wayne Sounds Like a Lung Cancer Survivor

I dont want to hear that lady with the voice synthesizer because she smoked for 40 years while working at Dunkin Donuts. I REALLY dont. Partially because itll be me in 20 years and partially because it gives me a hard on if im standing real close and catch a vibration....but mainly because I hate the sound of her voice. Please tell me why than, I would want to listen to Lil Wayne? Hipster douchebags in Rolling Stone Mag first decided he was wonderful because he was from New Orleans and what do you know, thats where KATRINA took place! What a great connection! So, they advocate this guy because hes sorta well known and from a tragic area and by rapping he will push their agenda on why Bush sucks. Fantastic, Ive seen this happen every few weeks. What I didnt expect was for this guy to catch on with the middle class white kids who think theyre black and throw gang signs as if they were not only retarded, but also using sign language. So suddenly, everytime I play basketball, I hear these fuckers call themselves "Wheezy" and clumsily rap his verses. Everytime I get on facebook, another one of these kids posts his lyrics in their status and profiles. Its sickening really how popular this guy has become.
If I were to ask any of his newfound fans why they liked him, they would all respond "Because of his rhymes". What they do not know is that his rhymes are about as mediocre as any other middle of the road rappers. Nothing he says carries any impact on society or holds any substantial train of thought. What he does represent, however, is a trendy symbol of all that is cool and gangster and socially accepted at this very moment. But than again, I doubt anyone has listed that as a reasoning.

Its about quality, not quantity

Alas, this is not my strategy in pursuing the finer sex, that would be titled "Date Rape: A Thin Line Between Bonding and Jail", but I digress. What I really mean to say is that for well over a year now I have been posting on this blog and about 5 or 6 people regularly read it. I think thats utterly sad. I post some pretty cool things. I go out of my way to really observe trends occuring around the world right now and than identify the reasons people cant help but fall into them. Maybe I need a better angle. This ones a bit broad. Than again, if you pander to the crowds too much, you lose your identity.


Anyways, I am just issuing this post as a self-reminder that I need to stop posting just to post and start really thinking about what I am going to cover before I toss it up here. People go to blogs because they know they are going to get a quality piece that they can agree with or learn from or maybe just feel some flicker of hope in. Well, my blog does none of those things, but if you are a cynical SOB like myself, at least we can share our common hatred for all things hip and trendy.

"Excrement and Vomit Dumped on the Members"

No, this is not me describing a night of fun with PETA. No, it is also not a suggestion I might have for the College Democrats Organization....well it is but thats just part of my plan for vengeance.

What I AM describing is the amazingly candid look at what really goes on in a large portion of frat houses around the country. Yesterday a Madison, Wisconsin frat house went up in flame and only than did the stories begin to circulate. All I know is I saw the headline, "Excrement and vomit dumped on the members" and I felt pretty damn good. I dont know about any of you other socially inept people who just didnt have the "ambition" to join a fraternity in college, but I find being covered in shit and puke to be pretty terrible.

Yet for some reason, this is what people do to be come popular. It happens everywhere. Dont toss out some vague statement that this only happens in the rare cases because I'm not ignorant and neither are the other folks reading this site (mom, grandma, myself in ladies clothes). When you stick a group of males DESPERATELY seeking social acceptance in a dilapidated house, the results will usually come out smelling like shit and vomit. The guys I see sporting frat shirts will always take a good chunk of attractive girls because it goes both ways and the ladies chasing them are usually far too gone to save anyways, but doesent it bring a smile to your face knowing at one point in time, these guys probably smelled suffered from "Excrement and vomit attacks"?

And the crowd goes WILD!

I will never watch American Gladiators again. Tonight, a one legged man was going to compete in the competition. Mike and I decided we would drink a miller or 4 and root against this crippled wonder. Why would I do such a thing? Well maybe I just dont like prosthetics or maybe I hate people missing limbs, but the truth is, I hate anything that tries to be falsely positive.

You see, I knew the crowd would be rooting for this guy no matter what just because he had a fake leg. I also knew the guy would lose of course, because he had a.....FAKE LEG. This pisses me off because why the fuck are 3,000 audience members going nuts over something that they have NO control of and NO real emotional connection to? Sports fans at least follow their teams through ups and downs and are rewarded as victorious by other fans when theyre team wins. With these audience members though, its like they are living vicariously through a one legged man. If I was going to live in someone elses shoes, I would make sure that someone wore TWO shoes. But hey thats just me.

Anyways, this trend is happening everywhere and I blame American Idol. Why the fuck are people bringing posterboard signs to a GAME SHOW? Its not like anything exciting is really going to happen, and its not like these people have earned their way to get to this place. Yet for some reason, thousands of jackasses go nuts over this shit and get hysterial when the contestant does the slightest thing.

Heres a better idea, how about finding a hobby you can actually participate in. Massaging my ego would be an excellent one to start with.

A Recount of Average College Night at Local Bar

I cant stress enough the importance of staying away from nightclubs and any bar with a DJ while your still in college. Once in awhile, its fun to see the people and your probably getting laid if you really want (I do, I do). If your drunk, it could even be considered an emotionally positive experience.

This having been said, be wary of what these locales have to offer. The people, the music, the flashing lights..they are all fake. Do you ever see the people who consider themselves VIP or "regulars" at these places eating lunch at McDonalds or going to classes at college while the sun is out? Of course you dont. These people are too busy rebuilding their image so they can go out the next night and claim to be something they are not yet again. I imagine for most of these people, male and female, this means going tanning, working out, taking steroids, masturbating HEAVILY, getting a tattoo, 3 hours putting in hair gel and "product", and finally sipping a red bull while checking out facebook/myspace.

Its funny though how these same people can still come out after such a shallow and meaningless day and attempt to sell themselves as gangsters or important. Bullshit. I will kick your...scratch that....this really tough friend I have who might be retarded WILL KICK YOUR ASS if you think this is the case. If you had something, anything going on in your life youd have somewhere better to be than a hole in the wall where you are forced into social situations with other retards.

Anyways, I decided to give you guys a recount of the last time I went to a club without being kicked out within 30 minutes. It was about a year ago and I was almost 19. Here goes:

10:00 get in car. begin knocking back coors with friends.
10:30 arrive at club. continue knocking back coors with friends.
11:00 realize its been 30 minutes, get up and get out of the car. Realize I have to piss. Pee beside car.
11:01 Wave at girl who watches me pee, she doesent look impressed.
11:05 Bouncer tells friend who may be retarded he is drunk, I explain he is not drunk, just possibly retarded and show them his ID. He is allowed in.
11:15 Stand by dancefloor and stare at about 7 good looking girls in the shadows, nod my head and smoke to look preoccupied.
12:15 Work up the nerve to approach mediocre looking girl. Ride mechanical bull with her. Thrust my pelvis like Elvis to Lil John music.
1:00 She is offended by my horrible dance moves and X's on my hands. Leaves to flirt with a 21 and older type guy. Classy bitch.
1:05 Puke in bathroom. Cry a little
1:15 Get caught in "mosh pit" of Persian teenagers who seem to think they are uber-trendy. Smell of curry and grease. Im sorry persians.
1:30 Ask a girl to dance. She agrees. Look down to ask her name. Headbutt the hell out of her. Blame it on friend. Exit dancefloor and go to bar area immediatly.
1:45 Try to order beer. Dont even garner a response. Bastard.
1:50 Girl comes from behind and headbutts me. Retaliation is a bitch.
2:00 Leave bar with sore head, puke on my shirt, no sense of time or place, and a keen desire to never go to a nightclub again.

So there you have it folks. This is what you have to look forward to. Enjoy!

What the hell Jesus? What the hell?

Seriously, sometimes I think I know why the lions always tried to eat the Christians back in the BC days. Obviously Christians taste no better than Jews (or do they...hmm) and theyre not that much harder to digest than a scrumptious cow. So Im betting the lions were just real pissed off about how lucky those Christians were. If those days were anything like the present, I bet the apostles were all sporting WWJD toe rings and vows of celibacy tattoed across their asses. Bastards.

All I know is that in present day America, their is a growing population of youngsters calling themselves born again Christians. This faith usually consists of promoting everything that actually sucks (no touching others..OR YOURSELF, no homosexual flirtations after a 7th steel reserve kicks in, no abortions even if the girl looks like Shreks wife, no profanity even after seeing how ugly the kid turns out to be that you really should have aborted 7 months before)by acting as though its badass to be this way. Ill tell you something though. Its not. Unfortunately, no one died and made me boss. In fact, whoever is the boss apparently hates me because hes decided to send out an endless supply of hot, sultry girls who giggle a bit too much and like to tan right beside your house while you watch from the window looking over the yard and break or imagine breaking all Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, these girls buy into the marketing scam that Christianity has become. Thus, by being a chain smoking, Catholic, Pollock who swears like a Lesbian, I have very little chance of theoretically "hitting that".

Instead, these girls will continue to fall head over heels for the guys who take them to church three times a week, wear torn Abercrombie jeans and indie button down shirts that scream "I play 3 chords on the guitar and sing John Mayer lyrics!". These same guys who wouldnt touch a beer or a cigarette, but have no problem throwing up gang signs and jokingly trying to mask the awkward sexual tension flowing through their custom jockeys.

Its as if they tease me with their absolutely ridiculous ploys to be rebellious. The born again Christians of today have outdone the guidos and the frat boys in become the saddest trend seekers of all time. They are so uncool, they think being uncool is cool. Damn.