If you attend frat parties, your palms will bleed...

I meant to post this earlier but I was still trying to overcome the devastating injuries I suffered at the last Frat Party I attended.

2 months ago I went with a few girls and my plumber friend to an outdoor festival/concert downtown. We drank in the car. We peed behind tall buildings. We dared girls to kiss. It was my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, a hit and run and 4 hours later, it was 1am and we had nowhere to go. One of the girls suggests a frat party. I say no. She puts my hand on her tit. I change my mind.

Frat party 1:30am: I am owning the party. 100 people and my drunk ass is befriending everyone. Im shaking my pelvis like the Polish Elvis on the dance floor, Im throwing balls into cups like Dr. J in beer pong, im peeing behind a shed. Things are going remarkably well and Im pleased. Thats when I spot the basketball court. Plumber guy and me go down there. Girls stand atop the court watching. Perfect setting for a showdown. We challenge the youngest looking frat guy to a game. He is remarkably nice and lacks self esteem. He offers to get some guys to play. Plumber guy takes his basketball and throws it over the fence. He says the ball was a piece of shit. And so is his frat. I happen to agree. Frat guy isnt mad...just bewildered. He gets his guys. He gets another ball. Game on.

Thats when the idea strikes me.

I could totally dunk it. It would knock the panties off every girl out here. I tell plumber guy to pass me the rock. I catch it smoothly. My cigarette dangles from the mouth. I take flight at the foul line and by god Im jumping so high im above the fucking rim.

But somehow I miss.

Somehow...I went right beside the net and landed on my palms/face. Im pretty sure I slid for a good 10 feet. Everyone watching is too stunned to laugh or help. Pictures are being taken, blood is starting to spread. I know immediatly that this is going to be a nasty injury. It was. After 5 minutes of lying there asking god why he did this to me and crying, I decide its time to leave. Fortunately I am drunk enough that it doesent hurt and I just vow to never look at my hands again. I dont want to see the damage.

The night ends, the girls apparently have a problem with guys without palms. Skanks. I go home and decide its time to take a peek. Sure enough the corners of both hands are literally scraped off. My pants are soaked in blood and tears.

This is how I envision most nights ending at fraternity parties. Be warned.

Best. Movie. Ever

Ive got a boner right now. A raging hard on. Im actually typing with my penis im so excited. In case you havent heard, theres a movie coming out in a few weeks called "College". Lets just say, its totally based on my life.
I saw the preview a few hours ago while trying to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial and...I havent been able to sleep since. The trailer shows 3 guys who are graduating high school and decide to visit college as one of the fellas has an orientation to attend. Hilarity ensues. Your never going to believe it but the guys totally get involved with a fraternity once they get to the college and, heres the real kicker, they get drunk and screw hot ass sorority girls. I can especially relate because, just like these characters, I too attend college, and better yet, I fool around with sorority girls ALL the time while pounding it with my frat brothers. Its like someone told a hollywood director about me and he made it into a movie. Im stoked!!!!!


OK...enough of that nonsense. Apparently, the studio that produced this piece of shit figured I would respond to the preview in a manner something like the above paragraph. Unfortunately, I dont know anyone that has ever had this experience in college. Thats probably because my friends are lunch ladies and by fraternity I mean an imaginary one...but thats besides the point. The real point here is that someone needs to let you fuckers getting ready to go to college know that this is not real life. What can you expect than? Well, I dont think you want to know.

But Ill tell ya anyways.

Unlike this movie, you will not be enjoying your freshman orientation. Its much more likely that you will spend 48 hours with some guy named Peter who you were paired to room with. Peter will not flush the toilet or close the door. He will also masturbate aggresively for 3 hours straight until passing out. You will fall asleep to the smell of burning rubber. On your 2nd night of orientation if your lucky, youll strike up a conversation with a girl that likes horses. She will tell you shes a free spirit. She probably has a tumbleweed for pubes. You wont care. Its better than Peters burning rubber.

So orientation sucked. But college is totally going to be fun right? No. Not if your idea of fun is something similar to the movie "College". Im burned out now. This movie ruined my post. Blame the preview.

Pre-Alcoholics Society

The time has come, when a few enlightened, sophisticated young men must stand up for what it is they believe in and fight a battle that will test them in every way imaginable.

People of Charlotte and its surrounding hoods and suburbs, I have decided to form the Pre-Alcoholics Society. What this society represents is a group of young people willing to give up all the gang signs, all the facebook taunting, all the jager-bombs and red bull breakfasts and embark on a mission to drink beer, and drink it often. Too many imposters walk the streets of Charlotte claiming they can drink any man under the table. These people trick the girls we know and love into believing them and before you know it, your drinking alone again while they share a Bud Lite with your girlfriend.

Its time we re-claimed our streets. We must challenge these posers to drinking games, promote events in which they will be forced to back up their bravado, and drink until we become homeless or full fledged alcoholics.

In the wide world of drinking, there are no winners and certainly no glamour, simply those who passed out and those who did not. Let fate decided which one you become tonight.

Lil Wayne Sounds Like a Lung Cancer Survivor

I dont want to hear that lady with the voice synthesizer because she smoked for 40 years while working at Dunkin Donuts. I REALLY dont. Partially because itll be me in 20 years and partially because it gives me a hard on if im standing real close and catch a vibration....but mainly because I hate the sound of her voice. Please tell me why than, I would want to listen to Lil Wayne? Hipster douchebags in Rolling Stone Mag first decided he was wonderful because he was from New Orleans and what do you know, thats where KATRINA took place! What a great connection! So, they advocate this guy because hes sorta well known and from a tragic area and by rapping he will push their agenda on why Bush sucks. Fantastic, Ive seen this happen every few weeks. What I didnt expect was for this guy to catch on with the middle class white kids who think theyre black and throw gang signs as if they were not only retarded, but also using sign language. So suddenly, everytime I play basketball, I hear these fuckers call themselves "Wheezy" and clumsily rap his verses. Everytime I get on facebook, another one of these kids posts his lyrics in their status and profiles. Its sickening really how popular this guy has become.
If I were to ask any of his newfound fans why they liked him, they would all respond "Because of his rhymes". What they do not know is that his rhymes are about as mediocre as any other middle of the road rappers. Nothing he says carries any impact on society or holds any substantial train of thought. What he does represent, however, is a trendy symbol of all that is cool and gangster and socially accepted at this very moment. But than again, I doubt anyone has listed that as a reasoning.

Its about quality, not quantity

Alas, this is not my strategy in pursuing the finer sex, that would be titled "Date Rape: A Thin Line Between Bonding and Jail", but I digress. What I really mean to say is that for well over a year now I have been posting on this blog and about 5 or 6 people regularly read it. I think thats utterly sad. I post some pretty cool things. I go out of my way to really observe trends occuring around the world right now and than identify the reasons people cant help but fall into them. Maybe I need a better angle. This ones a bit broad. Than again, if you pander to the crowds too much, you lose your identity.


Anyways, I am just issuing this post as a self-reminder that I need to stop posting just to post and start really thinking about what I am going to cover before I toss it up here. People go to blogs because they know they are going to get a quality piece that they can agree with or learn from or maybe just feel some flicker of hope in. Well, my blog does none of those things, but if you are a cynical SOB like myself, at least we can share our common hatred for all things hip and trendy.

"Excrement and Vomit Dumped on the Members"

No, this is not me describing a night of fun with PETA. No, it is also not a suggestion I might have for the College Democrats Organization....well it is but thats just part of my plan for vengeance.

What I AM describing is the amazingly candid look at what really goes on in a large portion of frat houses around the country. Yesterday a Madison, Wisconsin frat house went up in flame and only than did the stories begin to circulate. All I know is I saw the headline, "Excrement and vomit dumped on the members" and I felt pretty damn good. I dont know about any of you other socially inept people who just didnt have the "ambition" to join a fraternity in college, but I find being covered in shit and puke to be pretty terrible.

Yet for some reason, this is what people do to be come popular. It happens everywhere. Dont toss out some vague statement that this only happens in the rare cases because I'm not ignorant and neither are the other folks reading this site (mom, grandma, myself in ladies clothes). When you stick a group of males DESPERATELY seeking social acceptance in a dilapidated house, the results will usually come out smelling like shit and vomit. The guys I see sporting frat shirts will always take a good chunk of attractive girls because it goes both ways and the ladies chasing them are usually far too gone to save anyways, but doesent it bring a smile to your face knowing at one point in time, these guys probably smelled suffered from "Excrement and vomit attacks"?

And the crowd goes WILD!

I will never watch American Gladiators again. Tonight, a one legged man was going to compete in the competition. Mike and I decided we would drink a miller or 4 and root against this crippled wonder. Why would I do such a thing? Well maybe I just dont like prosthetics or maybe I hate people missing limbs, but the truth is, I hate anything that tries to be falsely positive.

You see, I knew the crowd would be rooting for this guy no matter what just because he had a fake leg. I also knew the guy would lose of course, because he had a.....FAKE LEG. This pisses me off because why the fuck are 3,000 audience members going nuts over something that they have NO control of and NO real emotional connection to? Sports fans at least follow their teams through ups and downs and are rewarded as victorious by other fans when theyre team wins. With these audience members though, its like they are living vicariously through a one legged man. If I was going to live in someone elses shoes, I would make sure that someone wore TWO shoes. But hey thats just me.

Anyways, this trend is happening everywhere and I blame American Idol. Why the fuck are people bringing posterboard signs to a GAME SHOW? Its not like anything exciting is really going to happen, and its not like these people have earned their way to get to this place. Yet for some reason, thousands of jackasses go nuts over this shit and get hysterial when the contestant does the slightest thing.

Heres a better idea, how about finding a hobby you can actually participate in. Massaging my ego would be an excellent one to start with.