Sunday, July 1, 2007

Ways to Look Mature in Time for College

Troubled by your boyish face and hairless legs? Concerned about your squaky voice and frail figure? No need to fear, Class of '11, Flavor of the Weak is here. We know how scary it can be in the weeks leading up to the first day of classes. Everyones so damn insistent on "becoming" a college student as soon as they graduate high school. This metamorphisis is a tricky, and completely false transformation, but one that the majority of 18 year olds feel they need to experience in order to be just like the college kids theyve seen in classics like Van Wilder and American Pie 2.

So, how do you go from being High School Henry to College Chuck? Follow our simple 5 step plan and youll see results in no time. People will be mistaking you for a sophisticated looking douchebag, rather than an acne ridden turd in no time!!

Step 1: Grow a Beard of Get a G-String

Not to be considered a viable choice for either genders, this is meant more as seperate suggestions for seperates sexes. For men, growing a beard is that easiest way to say, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college, and Im totally laidback!!!!!" for girls, the g-string says, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college and im totally ready to try a threesome with some sweaty frat guys!!!" Bonus points for a beard that extends beyond goatee proportions, girls will defintely find you bohemian, and thats considered a plus in coffee shop circles and within theatre student hangouts (Bagel Joints and lame parties)...

2. Yawn all the Time!
-Your in college now, your so totally over high school and your really living the college life by staying out LATE! Make sure everyone knows it by yawning every 5-10 seconds. This is especially effective when with a hottie and trying to kill that awkward silence. Just eat a tic tac beforehand.

3. IPOD baby, IPOD
-C'mon, what can possibly be more fucking hip than an ipod?! Dont even try me, and IPOD is the single coolest thing ever made. Much cooler than the wheel or the gay-dar. Seriously, carry that IPOD around so everyone can know you research you indie bands and you have an inner urge to pop it and lock it! Plus, the hip young black man in the commercials wearing his IPOD defintely went to college for a good 10 years, he knows all about living the college life.

4. Talk Black
-Its bad enough black people skip me in line all the fucking time and cut me off while driving. They also feel the need to force our young college students to speak like themselves whenever attempting to seem cool. The most common example of this is the faggot frat guy who likes to "holler" at girls...or should I call them his "shawties". I dont care to go into how many of the college students who fill hip enough to use black slang would be found dead after spending a night in the hood. I just know the number would be high. Very high. Sodomy and necrophilia would be involved. Stay out of the hood, waysome college students, keep your black lingo on campus where no one can challenge you.

5. Go Greek
-What better way to experience college than by going greek. Youve seen the movies, you know the alumni, and youve heard the stories. Its time to show everyone just how fucking awesome shotgunning Natty Light, in fact, is. Do it with pride, young students, for its not every day you get to wake up besides a bunch of drunk dudes forced to shower in the same communal bathroom. Mature. Very Mature!

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