Sunday, October 14, 2007

Wedding Weekend

In case you havent tried it, I have realized this weekend that it is absolutely vital for everyone between the ages of 18 and 21 to attend a wedding. If this involves breaking into a synagogue, sneaking onto the beach, or simply watching your friends get hitched, dont ask questions, just do it.

This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).

For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.

In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.

Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.

-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.

-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.

-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".

-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.

-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.

Man, I Never Knew I was Such a Racist!

I just wanted to take this oppurtunity to apologize to all of my readers (mom) for being such a blatant and terrible racist/sexist/homophobe. I never even knew I had these terrible, terrible biases until, luckily, esteemed leaders like Jesse Jackson and Gloria Allred became heroes on my college campus in the last few weeks. It seems that the majority of the students in college believe that 90 percent of white males at the school our bigots. I'm a logical man and this probably means I am as well. This is unfortunate, I can no longer hang out with my black friends anymore, god knows i'll say something awful.

Seriously here though, why the fuck do college students think they have enough life experience to properly determine whos racist and who isnt? I am drowning in the bitching and moaning I see every day. We've got the educated black kids who totally turn their backs on their heritage and instead get caught up in raising issue over every and anything. The Jena 6 is a good example of this. I agree that the whiteys causing trouble down there all deserve an epic beatdown, and I agree that the system can be crooked, but why on earth do kids living in Charlotte North Carolina feel it is their responsibility to weigh the situation.

But I imagine the black kids have some connection to these cases of activism. What really gets me is when the unattractive white girls and the scraggly professors tag along. Talk about two groups of people who have absolutely no right to even discuss the merits of racism let alone judge people, I have to admit, if hating these types of people was racist, I would be in jail for hate crimes for many many years.

We go to college because we want to learn something or we want something to do before life really begins. We dont come into that campus any smarter than people who never went to college and we dont leave that campus any better a person than anyone else. Unfortunately, somehow I left campus a racist and an asshole, all because I had the bad luck of being born a honkey.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Ultimate Frisbee or Blackberries....Whats Gayer?

The two latest trendy flavors sweeping the nation and colleges alike are raising the bar for gayness in society. Ultimate Frisbee and Blackberries....the absolute epitome of pathetic trends your going to be faced with sooner than later. The question here is not whether or not you should get involved, but rather, which one is more fun to make fun of while watching out your tiny window in your 1 room apartment while Debbie Does Dallas blares in the background?

To discover this answer, my friends, I have weighed the gayness, and the flamer-ness of both trends and lay my case before you.

Ultimate Frisbee
Pros- A sport, Outdoors, Hot girls participate...well not real hot, but cute in the "I Love Jesus" sorta way...thats ok though.

Cons- Can be played barefoot, involved a frisbee, includes the word "ultimate", allows fat girls and ugly girls to play as well, was the basis of an Air Bud movie at one point...

Pros-Can be thrown at people if ever in a drunken bitch fight over the last Long Island Ice Tea.
Cons- Small, makes me feel like I'm one of those Asian dudes who buys into everything Steve Jobs ever said, Doesent allow me to visit the post office, encourages me to be inactive.

Well folks, in my mind, the Blackberries had fewer positives, but the cons of the cult-like Ultimate Frisbee trend was just a bit too powerful in the end and claimed the thrown for Trend of the Week. The clincher was seeing all these fat and ugly girls come out of their caves and get on the intramural fields tonight while I watched from my one room apartments small window while Debbie Does Dallas blared in the background...or something like that.

Why Do College Kids Like Hearing Animals Moan?

Its bad enough seeing 20,000 douchebags walking around campus with iPods strapped into their ears, but its a whole new ballgame when that music coming out of your ear wax coated headphone sounds anything like animals moaning. Sadly, tis the case at universities around the country as young twenty-somethings strive for any oppurtunity to be edgy or hip. Thus, bands like "The Tragically Hip" and "Franz Ferdinand" begin becoming more and more popular. Soon, everyone on campus thinks that Acoustic is the only way to go and that Hootie and the Blowfish were especially cool...mainly because they had a black lead singer...and thats fucking edgy.

The point im trying to make is simple, if your going to listen to music on your iPod and completely go against everything music ever stood for (individualism, non-comfority, respect for the past), at least play some music we all can enjoy. There is nothing appealing about Coldplay or DMB. These are just a collection of white guys whining about nonexsistent love lives. I mean, I would be pretty whiney too if I had to sleep with Gwenyth Paltrow, but Chris Martins been doing long before that magical duo got together.

If you need some guidance as for what to listen to, think back to when you were a kid, think back to all those movies about college were kids go to indie concerts or wear Ramones t-shirts, and than completely erase all of that shit. Now, turn on some blues, light up an old man cigar, and engage yourself in a little thing called "Real Music"...I promise youll like it.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Fucking Way

I'm not an unusaully private guy. I openly discuss by B.M.s with friends and strangers alike, I get semi naked in front of teammates before hockey than wrestle...just for the stretching, you know?...., and I will usually tell you my every emotional trauma I have ever been a part of after a 6 pack of Yuengling.

I draw the line when it comes to feet, though.

In fact, I am having a realllllly hard time even tolerating this recent craze sweeping across college and high school campuses encouraging students to wear sandles. Its one thing for a good looking chick to do it. In fact, I say wear them as often as you want, I wont discriminate as long as your attractive, dumb, and perfectly resemble my idealized version of a girl. But its a completely different ballgame when males start throwing them on. I dont know about you but I dont care how relaxed Steve Johnson and his aching feet are with Rainbows on. I still think his bunyons are almost as repulsive as his receeding hair line. Their is no way in hell a piece of the anatomy known for bunyons, corns, and yellow nails should ever be within 100 feet of my body unless covered with socks and shoes.

In a perfect world, everyone would have Knubs. Their legs would end at their ankles and they would hobble around looking attractive as hell. We wouldnt have to worry about stray feet rubbing against us. We wouldnt have to see anymore ingrown toe-nails. Life would be so beautiful, Im actually beginning to cry as I type this. In a world without feet, a thousand dreams could come true.

Ask One More Question and Im Calling You Fat

5 minutes left.
Desperate just to get out of class for 15 minutes and get lunch before heading off to work.
Professor looks bored.
I feel bored.
The lesson has been learned, lets just call it a day.
Oh fucking no!
The girl in front of me who looks part pig, part hippo, part banshee has decided todays lesson didnt quite whet her appetite yet. Shes got a little question to ask.
Well isnt that cute.
I never understood the concept of students asking questions about menial shit. First of all, why do you give a shit? The answer the teacher will supply is never satisfactory. Why not just go home and wikipedia why Bhagavad Gita is still popular in India?
Well, someone never sent this memo i wrote up to banshee fatty in front of me.
And so we wait...
and wait...
and wait until finally the teacher stops giving her the evil eye because she just ruined his chance to get to the crapper and try to piss out a few kidney stones before hotwiring his piece of shit car and heading to a matinee movie.
Suddenly teacher is overcome by all of the past movies like Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds. Suddenly he thinks to himself "Hey, maybe I am making a difference in these kids. Maybe this girl represents the whoooole class!"
And so he rambles.
Youve been there, Ive been there, how are we going to fight off these students who ask questions right before class ends?
I have a few observations that may help in the battle to profile and root out these evildoers.
1. Ugly
2. Fat
3. Librarian Glasses
4. Sandles
5. Ugly as fuck...did i mention that?

If you see one of these students in your classroom, immediatly rush out and skip this lecture, for you will not be coming home until well after night fall.