Monday, June 25, 2007

Free Balling

This is a trend that Flavor of the Weak would like to begin. We think free balling is going to be a major part of the future. When you freeball, you show your so damn busy being fucking cool that you only have time to unzip your pants and piss. No time for fiddling with briefs or boxers. When your getting laid, your just a tug of the pants away. The only caution we want to issue is freeballing in denim. This just has too many adverse effects, including severe rashes and zipper issues.

3rd World Countries Suck

Recently, at the end of Spring semester, my professor asked all the students in class what their plans where for the Summer. What started out as an interesting activity to cap off the year quickly turned into a competetive game of one upmanship. Fat girl one declared she was going to Peru to give shoes to poor children. Pudgy frat guy two high fived the "bro" next to him and let us all know he was going to get....."DRUNK!!!" Than the smartass little bitch who cant comb his hair and wears Che Gueverra shirts decided to let us know he was going to be in the Philippines hiking and working on building houses. The chain followed, reaching every 3rd world country on the planet. Apparently, I took a class filled with martyrs and superheroes who will all one day save the world. I, for one, am going to Canada. I like to drink on the beach...ill be 19 so Ill be legal. I dont really want to get drunk too often, just have a little buzz, pick up some 36 year old female hockey player, and try to sleep it off. I guess I am shallow.

But you know what, shallow or not, I am going to fight this movement. Why are all these middle class college kids TRYING to go to shithole countries? The kids there need help, the societies are in disarray, but cant we do just as much good supporting our government and our charities. Certainly the Peace Corps (who work for President Bush all you hippy wannabes) and the Red Cross would rather just use your money than take on the liability of getting you over to another country just so you can feel fulfilled at the coffee shop discussions when you return.

The biggest problem here, though, isnt that people arent doing much good volunteering to go to 3rd world countries in the first place. NO, the problem is that these kids WANT to go. Do you like waking up with snakes crawling up your legs? Do you like going places where the government could collapse any moment now? Do you like visiting locations that have seen multiple suicide bombers visit in the past? I dont. I really really do not want to visit these areas. Its not even top 10. I think Vancouver and Madrid might be top 2, and the other 8 probably are in Greece or America, but I am sure that 3rd world countries dont make that list. Plus, who really wants to see a kid with 3 legs who grew up next to chernobyl during their summer break? Not me, my friends, not me.

Madden 08: Day in the Life Application Draws Criticism

How far is Madden 08 willing to go? Honestly, the game has added every fuicking feature it could, absolutely everything. We get to fucking see things as THE PLAYERS SEE THINGS. When Peyton Manning gets a boner watching Tony Dungy in the showers, we get to see it. When Mike Vick teases his dog with a scrap of food before devouring it himself, we get to see it. When Sean Salisbury takes pictures of himself naked, we get to see it. I mean seriously...its getting pretty scary. Just thought I had to question how far Madden is going.

Flavor of the Weak Tackles: Race Relations

Its tough out there for a person of any skin color. What with sexual preference, gender, and ethnicity, do we even have time to consider a persons race these days when making lifelong personal judgements? The first thing that runs through my mind when I meet someone is a.)whether or not i hate this persons face, b.)whether or not this person is going to make unwanted advances on me (gay date rape!), and c.) whether or not this person likes to drink Natty Light while wearing croakies and a backwards "Sawx" cap while making me stare at his broken big toe because he had to wear Rainbows in the Winter.

As you can see, I am ABOVE race. I am that fucking enlightened. I dont even know what color Barack Obama, I just know hes got an affinity for the cocaine, and thats a white mans drug. But this is besides the point. My greatness is sadly, not the role model for most Americans concerning race relations., on college campuses and in the business world, the white man has become the black mans bitch. This is not the black mans fault. The guys just living his life. The problem begins and ends when poorly endowed white guys get the notion in their head that they will appear openminded/tough/and diverse if they are EXTRA accepting of the colored folks.

I come from Buffalo, and this may be a good thing. Buffalo is a northern city where everyone hates the blacks. But everyone also hates the Irish, the Italians, the Pollocks, and the Germans just as much. So the hate is universal, really. This gives me a good position to scoff at these white guys who feel its their duty to be as accomodating to black people as possible.

In college classes the white guys always strive to laugh at the black guys jokes, they go out of their way to use laid back lingo around them, they even might disobey the teacher (making them weep inside) just to show how much they dont give a fuck. The absolute best part comes when these guys will talk to black dudes about girls. "Man im going to tap that booty like a keg! Hhahaha! Hoes gonna git it!"...ive heard scrawny honkeys do this often. Very often. The black guys tolerate...who wouldnt, their being praised and immitation is the highest form of flattery. But c'mon...whats really going down is the scrawny white guys going to try and toe the line of being both sensitive and hard by taking the girl to an action movie, offering to buy her popcorn (denied), offering to put his arm around her (denied), and offering to touch her bra-strap (denied). Than shes going to get out of the car, and he will be in front of Halo 3 by 1030pm. This is the standard white mans date.

So the problem is really hitting new peaks over the last few years because these college kids are taking that diversity and open minded BS they learn in school and applying it to the real world. Suddenly every white guy thinks they can appreciate Stevie Wonder. Suddenly every white guy tells his kids he grew up on tough streets, hand in hand with the blacks in Delta. Sorry motherfucker, you didnt....and neither did the black men in colleges and workplaces today, the difference is, they dont try and act as if they did.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hey Wait...Your Not John Mayer!

Oh man, you sure did trick me. You sly bastard. Strumming your guitar on campus while legions of mediocre girls coo over your bittersweet lyrics. I see right through that mop top haircut and those hemp necklaces. You really think your something, huh? Bringing your acoustic guitar to campus and playing some Bob Dylan out on a bench near the dorms. I bet no one has thought of that idea yet! Truth is, beneath that smug grin lies a lame human being. A person who truly wants to be a soulful brotha, but has none of the talent nor life experience to even come close. Thats ok, John Mayer Lite, just keep on doing your thing, theirs a thousand more of you playing right now across the country, but hell, theirs a million other mediocre girls looking to fawn over your image!

Wait...We're In College...Fuck Health Concerns has made a lot of money selling hip images of hip people doing hip things while bashing un-hip activities like smoking and drinking. Thankfully, all of the hip actors in these hip commercials dont really believe the shit they say on camera. Unfortunately...the college students do. In the last ten years a phenomenon has taken place. Instead of being the place for radical ideas and new horizons, college has become a moral and logical place. Now I'm not bashing logic here, but arent we supposed to try new things, stop giving a shit, and be a little more laid back while attending college? If I want to smoke for my four years at college, than why the hell shouldnt I? OH WAIT, says it will make the light skinned black dude with the Beanie think less of me. Damn, I dont want that to happen....Shit.

Seriously though, this is the time to do things you wouldnt ever normally do. Im not going to tell you to drink and drive, but I just dont see where the people at get off on doing that exact thing. Your in college...dont let people preach to you.

Drinking Games Suck

Do you like flipcup? What about Beer Pong? Chances are, that means your a deushbag. You want to know who else likes these games? Retarded people. They love the simplicity and absolute pointlessness. They love the handling of cups and hollow balls. Real men drink to open up their minds or push away their sorrows. College students drink to prove something. Bad idea.

Quick Ways to Shut the Guy Next to You Up For Good

You didnt come to class to hear about Greg or Scotties latest drinking binge. In fact, NO ONE came to class because they anticipated hearing this painful story. Unfortunately, no one sent the memo to Greg and Scotty, and everytime you get to class, you know theyre going to chat your ear off.

We've decided to develop a few quick rebuttals and one liners that will throw them off and make class a lot more peacful from here on out:

Conversation 1

Asshole: "Man, I was knocking back the Natty Light last night, and these two hot chicks were all over me, but I was like, thre-"

Conversation 2

Shrimpy Wigger: "You know what I'm saying brah??? I was like, we can fight brah, but Ill beat your ass. Im feisty as hell brah, no one can beat my ass!"
You: "Hey man, I got some menthol cigarettes out in my car, ill give them to you for free after class!"
----This was the bait, now you know he wont say no to this offer, so when you two leave class, lead him to the Black Student Union, shout "Fuck Black People" and run. Lets see how well feisty holds up against "Strapped".

Conversation 3

Jersey Girl: "And I told my mom she was a bitch and than took her purse and bought some birth control. I'm not about to-"
You: "Birth Control? Thats a SIN!"

Conversation 4

Annoying Perv who Whispers Jokes to You: "Hey, do you think that girl over there likes to get FREAKY NAUGHTY (in Ben Stiller voice)?"
You: "(In Loud Voice) Hey Tricia, this guy wants to know if you like to get freaky or naughty? I think hes got a crush on you!"

All of these rudimentary responses are available for you to use as a gift from us for visiting this site. If you find the ardent conversationalist chatting your ear off STILL wont learn, than just rely on the steady and proven response "Well at least I'm not a gay!" Sophisiticated college kids will have absolutely no clue how to respond to this. Devastation will ensue, followed by panic.

New to College? Avoid These Trendy Options!

So your only a few months from arriving on campus. Excited? Of course you are! We are too. For your own safety though, here at the Flavor of the Weak Labs, we have been determining what students need to avoid in order to keep their soul during this four year process. It was an arduous task that involved a fair amount of underage drinking, lots of puking, chain-smoking, and absolutely no conclusive results. But what the hell, its the internet, we can post anything we fucking want..

1.) The Coffee Shop
In college, going to the coffee shop has nothing to do about coffee, and everything to do about being a deushbag. Your going to meet all sorts of FRIENDLY and INTELLECTUAL people here, so be careful if they offer your candy or poetry. While you may feel accepted in this comfy domain, remember, your surrounded by people who cant survive outside this coffee shop. These are the people who never shut up about how stressful their bachelor of arts classes are and how getting a job is just utterly out of the question. These are the people who wear artsy clothes and make Monty Python jokes because they feel so sophisticated. Avoid this place friends, the gas station serves excellent coffee and even better clientele.

2. Frat Parties
I'm not here to bash fraternities. They give the people what they want and fill a quota. Whatever. But I will say this, the most overrated thing about college is the Frat Party. Every year millions of kids come to Campus expecting to re-enact all those shitty straight to video movies like "Frat Party at California U" and "School Daze". They are in for a rude awakening. Upon arriving at any frat party you are going to realize that a.) at most public universities underage drinking just isnt happening and b.)everyone around you thinks their the shit.
Why would you want to subject yourself to a night where the frat brothers will be withholding alcohol in order to avoid getting busted and the other partygoers are all paranoid that someone might think they came to the party alone? Instead, go back to your car, find a homeless person, offer them 20 dollars if they get you a 24 pack of Icehouse, and than pull up at your community college friends apartment. Community college parties are much more intriguing. Sluttier girls, accessible alcohol, and a general "I dont give a shit attitude" that got the parties host this far in life.

3.) Hair Product

This is mainly for men, but I imagine girls with red highlights or perms should listen up as well. If a guy wears hair product, he has a small penis. Its proven. Our scientists kidnapped like 30 guys walking around campuses across the East Coast. Each student with spiked hair, Guido Do's, or frayed blonde locks was determined to be lacking in many other departments. Its true, if you go to a college bar or club your always going to run into the little prick who dresses in Hollister but wears "gangster" hair do's or sideways baller caps. These guys will get the occasional hottie after telling them how fucking hard they are. Its ok though. We know you feel taken aback. Just remember, these guys are going to be in for humiliation when Slutty Blonde #1 discovers that Lil Tony's real name is Kermit Brown and hes packing a straight 3 inches. Than who has the last laugh?

4.) Asking Questions in Class
There isnt much to say here. Most of the kids in your classes dont want to hear your voice. They dont want to know you exsist. They do no care how cool you were in 12th grade. If you ask a cutesie question, or hell, even if your genuinely confused, wait until after class to ask the professor. We all want to go home and either drink or sleep or maybe, just maybe do both. Every question you ask delays this.

5.)Unless your 6'8, Dont Have Spirit
I never got this trend. Across campuses kids absolutely adore throwing on all the school spirit apparell they can get their hands on. What is the deal? Does the pasty looking, fat girl lacking self confidence really need to tell everyone how much UNC-Charlotte rocks? Does the prickish student body government shithead really think we will think hes laid back and one of us because hes so into school spirit? Fuck off asshole, here at Flavor of the Weak, we wear Wife Beaters and jean shorts commando. This doesent mean we support beating our wives or the extinction of undergarments, of course. We just really look good in this style.

A Trendy Intro to a Trendy Site

Since the dawn of man, people have been forced to deal with trends and the trendy people who love them. Whether it be that bragging SOB Fred Flinstone with his eco friendly "foot powered" car or the guy sitting next to you, reciting just how fucking excellent Bud Light tastes, one thing is for sure: People want to fit in. What better way to fit in than by finding every hipster trend and popular character trait and than mimicking them to a tee? This formula is ESPECIALLY relevant here on university campuses around the country. Frat guys match while they walk in perfect sync and harmony to and fro class. Girls bust out the fake tan every other day in order to keep the Skin Cancer rates healthy. In college, if your not trendy, your just out of the loop.

Until now...that is. This site was created for every student stunned by the fact that girls fall for deushbags. Every student ready to shoot himself after hearing another story about how the malnourished pissant next to you is small but scrappy. We've tired of seeing torn jeans and musty rainbows, we want to move on from this phase as soon as possible.

The best part about the people who can find a home in this site, is that we arent trying to promote Dungeons and Dragons or Yu-Yi-Oh. We arent the shunned, fat kid who we like to snicker about and throw garbage at. We are better than that. We just chose to be individuals and have to deal with the repercussions every day.

Anyways, I have dragged on, and all we need is another lame ass blog trying to be cutting edge but basically preaching nonstop. We wont preach, I promise.
We will focus on pointing out dangerous trends on campuses across the country, offer stories and solutions that may help you take advantage of the situation, and once in awhile give some commentary on relevant issues around the country. But I doubt that will be interesting.