Tuesday, August 5, 2008

If you attend frat parties, your palms will bleed...

I meant to post this earlier but I was still trying to overcome the devastating injuries I suffered at the last Frat Party I attended.

2 months ago I went with a few girls and my plumber friend to an outdoor festival/concert downtown. We drank in the car. We peed behind tall buildings. We dared girls to kiss. It was my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, a hit and run and 4 hours later, it was 1am and we had nowhere to go. One of the girls suggests a frat party. I say no. She puts my hand on her tit. I change my mind.

Frat party 1:30am: I am owning the party. 100 people and my drunk ass is befriending everyone. Im shaking my pelvis like the Polish Elvis on the dance floor, Im throwing balls into cups like Dr. J in beer pong, im peeing behind a shed. Things are going remarkably well and Im pleased. Thats when I spot the basketball court. Plumber guy and me go down there. Girls stand atop the court watching. Perfect setting for a showdown. We challenge the youngest looking frat guy to a game. He is remarkably nice and lacks self esteem. He offers to get some guys to play. Plumber guy takes his basketball and throws it over the fence. He says the ball was a piece of shit. And so is his frat. I happen to agree. Frat guy isnt mad...just bewildered. He gets his guys. He gets another ball. Game on.

Thats when the idea strikes me.

I could totally dunk it. It would knock the panties off every girl out here. I tell plumber guy to pass me the rock. I catch it smoothly. My cigarette dangles from the mouth. I take flight at the foul line and by god Im jumping so high im above the fucking rim.

But somehow I miss.

Somehow...I went right beside the net and landed on my palms/face. Im pretty sure I slid for a good 10 feet. Everyone watching is too stunned to laugh or help. Pictures are being taken, blood is starting to spread. I know immediatly that this is going to be a nasty injury. It was. After 5 minutes of lying there asking god why he did this to me and crying, I decide its time to leave. Fortunately I am drunk enough that it doesent hurt and I just vow to never look at my hands again. I dont want to see the damage.

The night ends, the girls apparently have a problem with guys without palms. Skanks. I go home and decide its time to take a peek. Sure enough the corners of both hands are literally scraped off. My pants are soaked in blood and tears.

This is how I envision most nights ending at fraternity parties. Be warned.

Best. Movie. Ever

Ive got a boner right now. A raging hard on. Im actually typing with my penis im so excited. In case you havent heard, theres a movie coming out in a few weeks called "College". Lets just say, its totally based on my life.
I saw the preview a few hours ago while trying to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial and...I havent been able to sleep since. The trailer shows 3 guys who are graduating high school and decide to visit college as one of the fellas has an orientation to attend. Hilarity ensues. Your never going to believe it but the guys totally get involved with a fraternity once they get to the college and, heres the real kicker, they get drunk and screw hot ass sorority girls. I can especially relate because, just like these characters, I too attend college, and better yet, I fool around with sorority girls ALL the time while pounding it with my frat brothers. Its like someone told a hollywood director about me and he made it into a movie. Im stoked!!!!!

OK...enough of that nonsense. Apparently, the studio that produced this piece of shit figured I would respond to the preview in a manner something like the above paragraph. Unfortunately, I dont know anyone that has ever had this experience in college. Thats probably because my friends are lunch ladies and by fraternity I mean an imaginary one...but thats besides the point. The real point here is that someone needs to let you fuckers getting ready to go to college know that this is not real life. What can you expect than? Well, I dont think you want to know.

But Ill tell ya anyways.

Unlike this movie, you will not be enjoying your freshman orientation. Its much more likely that you will spend 48 hours with some guy named Peter who you were paired to room with. Peter will not flush the toilet or close the door. He will also masturbate aggresively for 3 hours straight until passing out. You will fall asleep to the smell of burning rubber. On your 2nd night of orientation if your lucky, youll strike up a conversation with a girl that likes horses. She will tell you shes a free spirit. She probably has a tumbleweed for pubes. You wont care. Its better than Peters burning rubber.

So orientation sucked. But college is totally going to be fun right? No. Not if your idea of fun is something similar to the movie "College". Im burned out now. This movie ruined my post. Blame the preview.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Pre-Alcoholics Society

The time has come, when a few enlightened, sophisticated young men must stand up for what it is they believe in and fight a battle that will test them in every way imaginable.

People of Charlotte and its surrounding hoods and suburbs, I have decided to form the Pre-Alcoholics Society. What this society represents is a group of young people willing to give up all the gang signs, all the facebook taunting, all the jager-bombs and red bull breakfasts and embark on a mission to drink beer, and drink it often. Too many imposters walk the streets of Charlotte claiming they can drink any man under the table. These people trick the girls we know and love into believing them and before you know it, your drinking alone again while they share a Bud Lite with your girlfriend.

Its time we re-claimed our streets. We must challenge these posers to drinking games, promote events in which they will be forced to back up their bravado, and drink until we become homeless or full fledged alcoholics.

In the wide world of drinking, there are no winners and certainly no glamour, simply those who passed out and those who did not. Let fate decided which one you become tonight.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Lil Wayne Sounds Like a Lung Cancer Survivor

I dont want to hear that lady with the voice synthesizer because she smoked for 40 years while working at Dunkin Donuts. I REALLY dont. Partially because itll be me in 20 years and partially because it gives me a hard on if im standing real close and catch a vibration....but mainly because I hate the sound of her voice. Please tell me why than, I would want to listen to Lil Wayne? Hipster douchebags in Rolling Stone Mag first decided he was wonderful because he was from New Orleans and what do you know, thats where KATRINA took place! What a great connection! So, they advocate this guy because hes sorta well known and from a tragic area and by rapping he will push their agenda on why Bush sucks. Fantastic, Ive seen this happen every few weeks. What I didnt expect was for this guy to catch on with the middle class white kids who think theyre black and throw gang signs as if they were not only retarded, but also using sign language. So suddenly, everytime I play basketball, I hear these fuckers call themselves "Wheezy" and clumsily rap his verses. Everytime I get on facebook, another one of these kids posts his lyrics in their status and profiles. Its sickening really how popular this guy has become.
If I were to ask any of his newfound fans why they liked him, they would all respond "Because of his rhymes". What they do not know is that his rhymes are about as mediocre as any other middle of the road rappers. Nothing he says carries any impact on society or holds any substantial train of thought. What he does represent, however, is a trendy symbol of all that is cool and gangster and socially accepted at this very moment. But than again, I doubt anyone has listed that as a reasoning.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Its about quality, not quantity

Alas, this is not my strategy in pursuing the finer sex, that would be titled "Date Rape: A Thin Line Between Bonding and Jail", but I digress. What I really mean to say is that for well over a year now I have been posting on this blog and about 5 or 6 people regularly read it. I think thats utterly sad. I post some pretty cool things. I go out of my way to really observe trends occuring around the world right now and than identify the reasons people cant help but fall into them. Maybe I need a better angle. This ones a bit broad. Than again, if you pander to the crowds too much, you lose your identity.

Anyways, I am just issuing this post as a self-reminder that I need to stop posting just to post and start really thinking about what I am going to cover before I toss it up here. People go to blogs because they know they are going to get a quality piece that they can agree with or learn from or maybe just feel some flicker of hope in. Well, my blog does none of those things, but if you are a cynical SOB like myself, at least we can share our common hatred for all things hip and trendy.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

"Excrement and Vomit Dumped on the Members"

No, this is not me describing a night of fun with PETA. No, it is also not a suggestion I might have for the College Democrats Organization....well it is but thats just part of my plan for vengeance.

What I AM describing is the amazingly candid look at what really goes on in a large portion of frat houses around the country. Yesterday a Madison, Wisconsin frat house went up in flame and only than did the stories begin to circulate. All I know is I saw the headline, "Excrement and vomit dumped on the members" and I felt pretty damn good. I dont know about any of you other socially inept people who just didnt have the "ambition" to join a fraternity in college, but I find being covered in shit and puke to be pretty terrible.

Yet for some reason, this is what people do to be come popular. It happens everywhere. Dont toss out some vague statement that this only happens in the rare cases because I'm not ignorant and neither are the other folks reading this site (mom, grandma, myself in ladies clothes). When you stick a group of males DESPERATELY seeking social acceptance in a dilapidated house, the results will usually come out smelling like shit and vomit. The guys I see sporting frat shirts will always take a good chunk of attractive girls because it goes both ways and the ladies chasing them are usually far too gone to save anyways, but doesent it bring a smile to your face knowing at one point in time, these guys probably smelled suffered from "Excrement and vomit attacks"?

Monday, May 12, 2008

And the crowd goes WILD!

I will never watch American Gladiators again. Tonight, a one legged man was going to compete in the competition. Mike and I decided we would drink a miller or 4 and root against this crippled wonder. Why would I do such a thing? Well maybe I just dont like prosthetics or maybe I hate people missing limbs, but the truth is, I hate anything that tries to be falsely positive.

You see, I knew the crowd would be rooting for this guy no matter what just because he had a fake leg. I also knew the guy would lose of course, because he had a.....FAKE LEG. This pisses me off because why the fuck are 3,000 audience members going nuts over something that they have NO control of and NO real emotional connection to? Sports fans at least follow their teams through ups and downs and are rewarded as victorious by other fans when theyre team wins. With these audience members though, its like they are living vicariously through a one legged man. If I was going to live in someone elses shoes, I would make sure that someone wore TWO shoes. But hey thats just me.

Anyways, this trend is happening everywhere and I blame American Idol. Why the fuck are people bringing posterboard signs to a GAME SHOW? Its not like anything exciting is really going to happen, and its not like these people have earned their way to get to this place. Yet for some reason, thousands of jackasses go nuts over this shit and get hysterial when the contestant does the slightest thing.

Heres a better idea, how about finding a hobby you can actually participate in. Massaging my ego would be an excellent one to start with.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Recount of Average College Night at Local Bar

I cant stress enough the importance of staying away from nightclubs and any bar with a DJ while your still in college. Once in awhile, its fun to see the people and your probably getting laid if you really want (I do, I do). If your drunk, it could even be considered an emotionally positive experience.

This having been said, be wary of what these locales have to offer. The people, the music, the flashing lights..they are all fake. Do you ever see the people who consider themselves VIP or "regulars" at these places eating lunch at McDonalds or going to classes at college while the sun is out? Of course you dont. These people are too busy rebuilding their image so they can go out the next night and claim to be something they are not yet again. I imagine for most of these people, male and female, this means going tanning, working out, taking steroids, masturbating HEAVILY, getting a tattoo, 3 hours putting in hair gel and "product", and finally sipping a red bull while checking out facebook/myspace.

Its funny though how these same people can still come out after such a shallow and meaningless day and attempt to sell themselves as gangsters or important. Bullshit. I will kick your...scratch that....this really tough friend I have who might be retarded WILL KICK YOUR ASS if you think this is the case. If you had something, anything going on in your life youd have somewhere better to be than a hole in the wall where you are forced into social situations with other retards.

Anyways, I decided to give you guys a recount of the last time I went to a club without being kicked out within 30 minutes. It was about a year ago and I was almost 19. Here goes:

10:00 get in car. begin knocking back coors with friends.
10:30 arrive at club. continue knocking back coors with friends.
11:00 realize its been 30 minutes, get up and get out of the car. Realize I have to piss. Pee beside car.
11:01 Wave at girl who watches me pee, she doesent look impressed.
11:05 Bouncer tells friend who may be retarded he is drunk, I explain he is not drunk, just possibly retarded and show them his ID. He is allowed in.
11:15 Stand by dancefloor and stare at about 7 good looking girls in the shadows, nod my head and smoke to look preoccupied.
12:15 Work up the nerve to approach mediocre looking girl. Ride mechanical bull with her. Thrust my pelvis like Elvis to Lil John music.
1:00 She is offended by my horrible dance moves and X's on my hands. Leaves to flirt with a 21 and older type guy. Classy bitch.
1:05 Puke in bathroom. Cry a little
1:15 Get caught in "mosh pit" of Persian teenagers who seem to think they are uber-trendy. Smell of curry and grease. Im sorry persians.
1:30 Ask a girl to dance. She agrees. Look down to ask her name. Headbutt the hell out of her. Blame it on friend. Exit dancefloor and go to bar area immediatly.
1:45 Try to order beer. Dont even garner a response. Bastard.
1:50 Girl comes from behind and headbutts me. Retaliation is a bitch.
2:00 Leave bar with sore head, puke on my shirt, no sense of time or place, and a keen desire to never go to a nightclub again.

So there you have it folks. This is what you have to look forward to. Enjoy!

What the hell Jesus? What the hell?

Seriously, sometimes I think I know why the lions always tried to eat the Christians back in the BC days. Obviously Christians taste no better than Jews (or do they...hmm) and theyre not that much harder to digest than a scrumptious cow. So Im betting the lions were just real pissed off about how lucky those Christians were. If those days were anything like the present, I bet the apostles were all sporting WWJD toe rings and vows of celibacy tattoed across their asses. Bastards.

All I know is that in present day America, their is a growing population of youngsters calling themselves born again Christians. This faith usually consists of promoting everything that actually sucks (no touching others..OR YOURSELF, no homosexual flirtations after a 7th steel reserve kicks in, no abortions even if the girl looks like Shreks wife, no profanity even after seeing how ugly the kid turns out to be that you really should have aborted 7 months before)by acting as though its badass to be this way. Ill tell you something though. Its not. Unfortunately, no one died and made me boss. In fact, whoever is the boss apparently hates me because hes decided to send out an endless supply of hot, sultry girls who giggle a bit too much and like to tan right beside your house while you watch from the window looking over the yard and break or imagine breaking all Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, these girls buy into the marketing scam that Christianity has become. Thus, by being a chain smoking, Catholic, Pollock who swears like a Lesbian, I have very little chance of theoretically "hitting that".

Instead, these girls will continue to fall head over heels for the guys who take them to church three times a week, wear torn Abercrombie jeans and indie button down shirts that scream "I play 3 chords on the guitar and sing John Mayer lyrics!". These same guys who wouldnt touch a beer or a cigarette, but have no problem throwing up gang signs and jokingly trying to mask the awkward sexual tension flowing through their custom jockeys.

Its as if they tease me with their absolutely ridiculous ploys to be rebellious. The born again Christians of today have outdone the guidos and the frat boys in become the saddest trend seekers of all time. They are so uncool, they think being uncool is cool. Damn.

Friday, April 4, 2008

What is Cool?

Im starting to get older now. My guts growing, my eyesights worse, I find myself laughing at Blazing Saddles jokes that I used to never care to understand. Im almost 20. Pretty much dead. That being said, I think I can finally determine what is cool and what is not, and I think its time for a revolution.

For many years now, American society has dictated that if you go to parties, join fraternities, and get shitfaced for facebook pictures, you are cool. If you employ any kind of literacy skills, take initiative, or defer from the crowd, your not cool.

As I get older though, Im starting to realize these things slowly stop mattering and its a wonderful feeling. I have been to countless parties in the past two years during college and sometimes I wonder if Im doing it for myself or doing it because I want to feel cool. I feel almost obligated at this point. The funny thing is, when I choose not to go to parties, I usually end up finding something more fun to do and make the kids who go to parties think im mysterious and thus a badass.

People are starting to buy into what I am saying, I think. Go to a nightclub now and all you see are the same 200 people that go every night to the same spot and mingle with the same people constantly throwing gang signs and talking as though they are in control of something which no one really knows. They never get out of that bubble. They dont see the real world, they dont care to. As they continue to live in this self-serving exsistence that eventually will be called denial, I applaud the people who say fuck it and have the Hombres to say "Fuck off" to a kid who calls himself tough or to hit up a bookstore rather than a bar. Im getting to a point in my life where I would honestly just prefer to drink beer in the woods and play horseshoes or something behind my pool. I love socializing but I dont like the people that go to these social situations. Theyre starting to get stale and I can see how quickly things will deteriorate for them. I dont want that to be me.

Im going to start capitalizing on this. Im going to say fuck off to every and any person that I dont like and if they and their "niggas" (who happen to be white) want to take it personally, im going to beat their asses and walk away. I think someone has to be the reality check, and its going to be me.

VIP stands for Very Irritating Prick

Everyone between the ages of 18 and 24 that goes to clubs and high end bars in Charlotte is apparently VIP. I have no idea what that means, but it seems for them as they end up waiting in lines that are longer than the normal people lines but I suppose its pretty nifty to have that title. I wish I was a VIP. Maybe than I could talk to some hollowed out chick rocking a fake ID and promising me a night of anything but pleasure. That would be awesome.

Than again...do I want to stand in line with Fruity McLoops who wears his hair spiked so high I have lost track of the moon and has so many tears in his jeans that when he turns around hes actually considered partially nude? Maybe...oh who am I kidding, fuck no. The people who go to clubs and bars enough to get the VIP gimmick from clubs are no different than the fat fucks who have Subway Free Sub stamp cards and the guy whos got a blockbuster movie pass because he gets 6 movies every friday night and doesent leave the house until sunday. Seriously, how are these people any different? They all buy into a stpid ass marketing ploy that drains their income from working at the lotion kiosk in the mall.

I dont knwo about you, but I hate when those pricks try to give me samples, my skins just naturally ashy.

An Ode to the Mustasched Girl

While on the topics of weird people I regularly come across at campus everyday, I thought Id go ahead and get one more confession out there. I am scared to look at the girl sitting next to me. Shes not a bad looking girl in all actuality. Shes anatomically correct and looks Aryan which is big in my book. Unfortunately, I am not into 19th century cobblers from Austria so this girl is not for me. Sporting the type of well grown, mahogany colored mustache men named Franz and Peter wore 200 years ago, this girl is embracing a flaw that actually makes me nervous. If I look at her, Im straight up going to stare at the mustache. I want to comb it, pick the little bits of food that get caught in it out, groom it. But I dont think shed appreciate that. In fact, I already tried, and her exact words were, "Hey, I dont appreciate that!"

So now I sit next to her in class twice a week, watching as the follicles slowly grow and my temptation to shave it off only churns more powerfully within me.

The Tragedy of the Balding 19 Year Old

I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Tall, lanky, normal looking in all natural ways except one small abnormality. What was it? I looked harder. Something was wrong...something about his face...no his head...it wasnt adding up. I approached the young man, got about 3 inches from his face and told him to hold still. He blushed and looked down, ashamed. And that I realized it. This young man had a receeding hairline.

Oh how awful he must feel. A future marred with purchases of rogaine and soon after, toupees. No man can look baldness in the eye and seriously say, "I am at peace with this illness."

This student I spotted on campus is just one of many young people walking around me everyday. I try not to touch them or make eye contact normally as I consider a receeding hairline to be equivalent to AIDs. No matter what you try and do to cure it, society will still look at you with a mixture of pity and shame.

I am sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest. It feels as though I wrote something that will inspire all the balding kids trying to compensate by wearing nifty t-shirts and baggy pants to come to grips with this sickness and seek treatment or go away from society. Just stay the hell away from me and my thick and lustrous hair. I know you want to steal it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

College Stressing You Out? Just Quit Now.

UNC-Charlotte is offering up some seminar (oppurtunity to sit next to frisky looking freshmen girls) on handling the stress of college. Im pretty sure the attractive female head count will be quite high for this event. Even better, the goofy Polish guy head count will remain at just one, myself. At least I wont have competition...

Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.

Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.

You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.

So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.

10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Fat Girls vs. Ugly Girls- A Zero Sum Game

I have long debated with friends, family, and higher-ups the scenario of choosing between a fat girl and an ugly girl. Its a question that haunts me day and night, knowing deep down one day I will be forced to choose after a large supply of viagra and Budweiser. Its not a decision I want to make, knowing full well neither will leave me satisfied or optimistic, but I have decided today I will come to terms with lifes great question and determine who is better to go home with at the end of a long night, the fat girl or the ugly girl.

On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.

On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.

Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.

At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.

Smoking, A Healthy Habit for Children and Adults Both!

Truth.com wants you to believe smoking is "not hip". Rob Reiner wants you to believe smoking is rude and disgusting. Your doctor wants you to believe that by smoking your going to end up a very ugly and sickly old man...at the age of 27.

Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.

In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.

2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.

3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.

4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.

5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.

So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

13 Year Old Skateboarders Give Me Ulcers

I'm only 19. I shouldnt have to worry about stress and ulcers. I certainly could be labeled relaxed in most aspects of my life anyways. Unfortunately, I also live on the same street as some little shits who call themselves skateboarders.

I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.

In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.

Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.

Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.

The Fall of Rolling Stone Magazine

I get Rolling Stone in the mail every other week. Its fun to look at the pictures and place the glossy cover on my coffee table so all of my sophisticated friends can think of me as edgy, but smart.

Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.

According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.

The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The College Clubber: A Horrifying Combo

The trendy flavor for this week is the College Clubber. You know who I am talking about, and honestly, theres a good chance its probably you. Im not one to pass judgement (lie) but after being handed 1393848 fliers while walking to classes and being subjected to 2928348438 facebook pictures of dudes throwing gang signs inside clubs while surrounded by mediocre chicks, I had to speak out. Consider it my intervention party.
Enough is enough, though. Just because you go to the same spot 6 nights a week and know the bartenders by name, I am supposed to belive it when you say your living the good life? I've tried the clubbing game. All I found was the same thing over and over. Dudes with dark hair and dark, fake tans pounding it followed closely by ravenous looking girls who look great after a 12 pack of High Life but probably resemble Rosie O'Donnell the next morning. Yet somehow, these people never seem to get sick of it. They seem to thrive inside this little bubble they have created where they are celebrities in their minds because they can go out and mingle at nice looking bars.

Come on jackasses, ANYONE could get into the VIP section at ANY bar. Just because your doing it doesent mean everyone else should. Believe me, you can spit as many Kanye West and Jay Z lyrics out and talk about how big a pimp you are all night long, but the next morning, Im certain your getting into your car, pumping up the Fray and crying over the tab you ran up buying Layla, the Staten Island girls drinks only to see her go off with your friend Tito. Its ok, though, Im sure theyres 7,000 other Persian twentysomethings with daddys credit card looking to be your clubbing body and tan with you, I promise.

The Beer Guide 07 Award Show

Its time once again my fellow Trendy naysayers, to look back on the wonderful world of beer for the year of 2007. It was a fascinating, riveting year...a year that brought you alcoholic enegery drinks by Budweiser and the new Craft Miller series. A year that finally showed Bud Light can be beaten, and at the same time, that PBR is a son of a bitch yet again. Lets look back my friends, and define these beers for who they are and what theyve become!

Beer of the Year:
Winner: Budweiser- Solid. Crisp. Refreshing. 5.5 percent alcohol. All these things make my stomach fill with butterflies just thinking about it. Budweiser is the grandaddy of beers, even though Miller is a bit older...., the one we look to and say, "Damn, thats American beer." It balances the difference between light beers and porters and makes everything right in the world. Equally good at getting girls drunk, being used in beer pong tournaments, and being nursed alone while watching porno on a hot Summer night. Budweiser, I salute you!

Runner Up: Blue Moon- I once thought it was only for wealthy white frat boys, a beer that costs more than the 17 quarters I had for just a 6 pack. I was determined to avoid it, not give into its tempting design and adjectives on the bottles. Than, last night, I did it. I broke the embargo. I had one. Than I had two. Than I had 6. It was just a normal night but what I discovered was the most excellent tasting beer I have ever had. It only loses to Budweiser because it is tough to play beer pong with. Oh fucking well.

Best Quarters Beer: Coors Light- This is light, tasty, and...light. Seriously though, from August to November this is all I drank and its understandable. When the weather is warmer, its a good drink that almost rehydrates you. You could play quarters all night and it would never get you too drunk. I have done the power hour multiple times with this beer.

Best Beer Pong Beer: Miller High Life- Very similar to Coors Light, but its crisper and a little bit stronger. Almost tastes like a Sprite. Its the only beer I like MORE in a bottle.

Best Beer to Make an Ugly Chick into a Sexy Chick: Michelob Porter- Stronger beer that goes down strong and sits in your belly like a meal. Defintely a personal favirote. It tastes good and gets you a happy drunk that makes Little Miss Piggy over there into fucking Jessica Fucking Alba! Ohhh yeah.

Best Beer to Make a Cute Chick Interested in You: Miller Light- Most guys would think its got to be the liquors or the strong beers, but most guys are wrong. Girls want to get drunk. They also dont want to get sick. Miller Light tastes light, but its decieving. It has a mystic power to it that makes girls swear my name is Bradd Pitt-slavski. Its an easy beer to share and relatively cheap.

Best 40 Ouncer- Olde English: Its flat. Its bitter. Its strong as fuck. That said, nothing washes down 10 double cheeseburgers and a Marlboro at 2am better than this. I will swear by these 40s until the day I get mugged walking around with one in front of that certain Mcdonalds at 2am.

Finally....drumroll please....
Crappy Beer of the Year:
Busch Ice and Steel Reserve have TIED IT UP!
There is nothing positive about either of these beers. I wake up without my clothes, covered in animal fur, and in cold sweats after a night with these badboys. Any party serving these up needs to be shut down and mocked immediatly. Cheapness is one thing, and going for a heavy beer is acceptable, but just stick with Miller or a porter like Guiness that will fill you up and not put you on deaths bed.

So there you have it folks, a big night for Budweiser and a shitty night for the Busch Company yet again. See you next year!

So your a model...or are you a "model"?

Every girl between the age of 16 and 21 works at Hollister or American Eagle or...if theyre really AWESOME, Abercrombie and Fitch for at least a week. Its like the alternative to becoming a stripper. Either the chick works there or she strips. No grey matter at all. What I really find funny, though, isnt the fact these girls promote a "beachy" and "hip" lifestyle while living in concrete jungles called the suburbs. No, thats been overplayed by now. The funny part is these girls think theyre models. Every one of them will tell you they work as a model for these stores. Its funny because, I really had no idea half of these models...usually the ugly ones....are actually "modeling" when in it certainly appears they are folding clothes I picked up, scoffed at, and dropped on the floor.

I guess I'm just naive but im pretty sure thats not called being a model, I think thats called being my biotch. It gets worse though. These girls, still convinced they are modeling, are all subjected to bitchy orders from homosexual store managers named Rick or Philipe who are "totally serious" about taking out the trashbags. When theyre done picking up my clothes and running errands for Phillipe and Rick while they high five, these pampered models get to go back in the store and SOCIALIZE!!

Unfortunately, theyre not mingling with David Beckham and myself. No, theyre forced to work with the only people worse than themselves, men who call themsevles models. These guys are just a joke and even the dumbass female "models" sense it, theyre just to afraid to admit it. Any dumbass walking into a store with a hemp bracelet, toe rings, and or signature rainbows is one "Sassy" comment away from getting his ass kicked. The female models are oblivious to this fact though, and after an hour or two of collecting hangers, they begin to fall for it and sneak into the bathroom to take Myspace pictures.

And its all cyclical folks, this whole process. These girls arent models, theyre minimum wage workers. They are no different than the hispanic cart collector at Wal Mart aside from the fact that the wal mart worker doesent live a lie...unless hes telling people hes Enrique Inglesias...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Energy Drinks are to Extreme

I'm not ready to handle an energy drink. Hell, I am barely fit to handle a diet Mountain Dew. Something about looking to a drink for "extreme energy" is disturbing and shadowy. Next time all the kids who get paid 3 dollars an hour plus "commision" to sit on campus pressuring me to buy these drinks see me walking around, I hope they realize I'm just not ready. Maybe one day, with that special someone, Ill have a sip of that forbidden badass beverage and Ill naturally develop a tribal tatoo and a mandanna before your eyes...but until that point, please, dont corrupt me with your senseless advertising and sugary sweet cans of sin.

I'l stick to coffee and beer in the mornings t give me the proper ups and downs I need to get on with my day. They dont have much in terms of marketing campaigns...I mean seriously, my coffee is in a styrofoam cup made by a man named Juan at the 76 station nearby....but what my drinks lack in coolness, they make up for in quenching my thirst and getting me through another day of college life. Sounds good to me!

Pipe Smoking: Underrated future trend in campuses across the nation...

No, not a crack pipe. Certainly not a bowl. Im talking about a fucking pipe. One that puffs out tobacco and gives you a hit that, when mixed with a certain marijuana plant could be potent.
Friday night a friend of mine popped one out on the trip to a party. I realized my collection of old pipes was suddenly unbelievably valuable. I hurried inside and grabbed my toilet bowl shaped one and my crack pipe shaped one (for mike of course) and quickly set out on a new trend setting hobby!

I like my cigarettes and cigars as much as the next lung cancer patient. Hell, I will eat a Marlboro for the remote possibility of a nicotine hit if I am without lighter. That being said, I think a pipe is the best of both worlds. You look classy, and you smell classy. Not to mention your smoking classy tobacco products. None of that scrap heap shit you get in cigarettes, Im talking strains of elegant plant so rich and full bodied you dont need any fucking cologne.

So, light em up folks, bust it out, pipes are the trend of the week and possibly the year, lets just wait and see.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Monday, February 11, 2008

Foriegn Languages Sound Foriegn or Something

German, Spanish, Latin, French...a list of my favirote kind of women? Of course not, I dont even know what a Latin girl would look like. The list I just unveiled is strictly a compilation of my foriegn language courses over the years. All of them have made my life hell. All of them have made me get ulcers. All of them suck.

Today I quit German. My professor has too many hand mannerisms and gets way to frisky. Three months ago I quit Spanish. That bitch told me I was going to fail straight up...at least shes honest. Before that I struggled with Latin and French, all the while knowing if I ever wanted to speak to a foriegner, I would just talk louder and slower...being as obnoxious as possible.

Sadly, our college professors and department chairs have decided we should all be required to learn a foriegn language if we choose to obtain a Bachelor of Arts. Now I know the BA is a joke around most campuses, but I also know most kids getting the BA laugh at the students with a BS. Its a real healthy relationship and sense of camraderie. One thing that will forever prevent the two sides from coming to a common ground, however, is the exsistence of the Foriegn Language Credit. I am going to spend the remaining 2 years at college registering for, than dropping or flunking these bastard classes and there is nothing I can do about it.

What jackass thought it would be best for people to learn totally different languages in a classroom? To make matters worse, in a classroom filled with people who cant speak this new language. Is that a very learning friendly environment? Probably not..and by that I mean NO BUENO. I think I said no good, I may have said No to some guy named Bueno reading my page in Mexico City...Im sorry Bueno.

Group Work, Schmop Work

I dont know why professors always put me in group work situations when Im a college student. I thought half the reason I worked my ass off in high school was to avoid interaction with people I deem socially awkward. I mean, its a given im not getting paired off with the hot girl or the guy whos tossing out compliments left and right. Nope, im getting the gothic girl and the foriegn exchange student from Africa every time. And thats quite alright most of the time, but when we are than told to discuss the effects of Tolstoy on further Russian literature, I'm at a loss for words.

We all know how the politics of group work plays out next. The ugly girl starts getting antsy that some guy is looking at her, so in order do divert attention she pulls out a paper and pen and offers to do the writing. You, being a male im assuming because theres no way girls would read this site...if their was a chance in hell of that id probably change my name to B-Diddy and just post pics of myself on the site...anyways back to the point, so while the hag gets to work on writing the assignment, the exchange student decides to go ahead and immediately disagree with the first point she makes in the discussion. The girl looks up in a fit of anger but is quickly overwhelmed by social anxiety and just instead stares at the exchange student.

This is my most common experience when it comes to group work. Human interaction at its best.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Some more tidbits about this First "Gangster"

-He says he loves "Italian War Dogs"...What the fuck is that all about, honestly man, Im speechless. Thats probably something you need to talk to a shrink about.
-He says he hates reading. Surprise Surprise.
-The quote "Baller status Acquired" exsists on his facebook page.

I could go on and on, but i actually just wanted to say ive decided to do a daily bio of the jackasses falling for these lame ass trends in college. I usually piss off enough that this could go on for years, I swear. Or at least until the first guy sicks his Italian War dogs on me.

The Shit I Deal With: Part 1-The Needledick

I wont give away this guys name, but hes 20 years old and a stoner. Hes about 5'9 and 140. His friend had threatened to shoot me because I made fun of his aviators. This escalated quick and at some point in the scuffle, he decided he was Chuck Liddell and jumped in. He was quickly slammed. He than went to his car and got an air soft gun and shot my friend. Its funnier that he got the air soft gun than anything else, its like stabbing a guy with a spoon. He was than slammed by a guy no bigger than he. I was too busy with my own potential sniper to deal with him, but soon after he began posting comments on facebook telling people we jumped him.

I dont get this shit..but this is his response to me telling him to stop talking.

"look u rboi daniel is a birch and no kyle kyle didnt
slam me . apparently daniel being 40 pounds bigger than me couldnt fight me himeself he , he had his 2 friends help yea kyle was on me cause he didnt want shit fucked up so lets just say that was complrtgly unfair. so lets just say this if it goes down again it definitely
WILL be completely unfair he had his chance to fight me 1 on 1 . his pussy was wet that night and he needs to dry it off..... im a motherrfucker that doesnt give a fuck jsut to prove a point ill rolle to clemson with 20 heads thats how i Roll. watch ur fucking back fool if ur gina talk shit. to you i might look like a conservative white boy but dont let looks decieve you SON. "

This guy has been drinking Monsters and staring at himself in the mirror while doing pullups all day. I imagine he was jacked up enough at this point to write such an XtReMe message. I didnt bother responding. I told some black friends about his attempts to be ghetto and they handled it. I wont comment any further.

The Shit I Deal With: Intro

I am absolutely the most normal person ever born. Compare me with Jesus Christ and youll defintely find that even he is odder than I am. Im the index for which all normalcy must be compared. I wear a plain polo shirt, jeans, and white high tops. I dont comb my hair. I dont wear it long. I dont talk jive. I drive a stock Grand Cheorokee. I am of average size (6'1 185). I am friendly but not outgoing. I am witty but not obnoxious. I am more than willing to pick on all my flaws. That being said, I find it astounding that I draw so much negative attention from the douchebag masses on college campuses. This pleases me, to be honest, to know that I can fight fire with fire and worst comes to worst I know in a fight I wont have to pretend im someone im not...this translates to "I will break a bottle over their heads than run and hide and set up some random person who walks by than never speak of the incident again..". I do, however, think its time I start unveiling some of the lamer messages I have received over the last few weekends.

These are all facebook messages from guys I mocked or called out jokingly at my friend Kyles party. I love that they send their threats via the internet than when push comes to shove find an excuse to run. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, any kid who tells you they are "tough" or "real" is probably no better a fighter than your alcoholic grandfather.

So...you dont like to read?

I like to peruse facebook for 18 out of every 24 hours in a day. I search and meander and occasionally fall asleep or eat some olives or smoke a cigarette, but mostly I just look on in a near comatose state. One thing that always jumps out to me is the unbelievable amount of students who put the same fucking jokes down under the "Favirote Books" section on their profile. Do you people really think those cute chicks that accidentally come across your page will consider your illiteracy the ace in the hole? Do you honestly believe this makes you badass? I dont know when being close minded and lame became "hard" but im pretty sure its becoming a trend...oh god.

School Spirits' for Lameasses

I tried to be subtle, but its just too hard. I like going to my schools basketball games. I have this feeling that by attending and staring at the opposing team menacingly, they will falter and the money I have on the game will be secured. Could I be wrong? Possibly, probably not, but possibly.

Unfortunately, all the positive karma I try to develop through my presence at the game is consistently ruined by the droves of students doing the wave and screaming at the top of their lungs. Im pretty sure these SOBs are causing the schools team to get overconfident. This is killing me and my wallet. All I can do now is point a finger at these people and ask...why?

Why do you get so caught up in a team you can only really identify with for 4 years? Why do you try to create "tradition" by acting as though every game is an epic rivalry when in all honesty, unless you attend a Big Ten or SEC school, your teams considered shit nationally? I dont know, but being surrounded by a sea of green is enough to make a guy want to quit gambling forever, and that is just not happening. Somethings got to give, and I think it can start by not painting letters on your stomachs. Give it a shot, I guarantee not only will the people around you appreciate it, but so will I....and my bookie.