Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Beer Guide 07 Award Show

Its time once again my fellow Trendy naysayers, to look back on the wonderful world of beer for the year of 2007. It was a fascinating, riveting year...a year that brought you alcoholic enegery drinks by Budweiser and the new Craft Miller series. A year that finally showed Bud Light can be beaten, and at the same time, that PBR is a son of a bitch yet again. Lets look back my friends, and define these beers for who they are and what theyve become!

Beer of the Year:
Winner: Budweiser- Solid. Crisp. Refreshing. 5.5 percent alcohol. All these things make my stomach fill with butterflies just thinking about it. Budweiser is the grandaddy of beers, even though Miller is a bit older...., the one we look to and say, "Damn, thats American beer." It balances the difference between light beers and porters and makes everything right in the world. Equally good at getting girls drunk, being used in beer pong tournaments, and being nursed alone while watching porno on a hot Summer night. Budweiser, I salute you!

Runner Up: Blue Moon- I once thought it was only for wealthy white frat boys, a beer that costs more than the 17 quarters I had for just a 6 pack. I was determined to avoid it, not give into its tempting design and adjectives on the bottles. Than, last night, I did it. I broke the embargo. I had one. Than I had two. Than I had 6. It was just a normal night but what I discovered was the most excellent tasting beer I have ever had. It only loses to Budweiser because it is tough to play beer pong with. Oh fucking well.

Best Quarters Beer: Coors Light- This is light, tasty, and...light. Seriously though, from August to November this is all I drank and its understandable. When the weather is warmer, its a good drink that almost rehydrates you. You could play quarters all night and it would never get you too drunk. I have done the power hour multiple times with this beer.

Best Beer Pong Beer: Miller High Life- Very similar to Coors Light, but its crisper and a little bit stronger. Almost tastes like a Sprite. Its the only beer I like MORE in a bottle.

Best Beer to Make an Ugly Chick into a Sexy Chick: Michelob Porter- Stronger beer that goes down strong and sits in your belly like a meal. Defintely a personal favirote. It tastes good and gets you a happy drunk that makes Little Miss Piggy over there into fucking Jessica Fucking Alba! Ohhh yeah.

Best Beer to Make a Cute Chick Interested in You: Miller Light- Most guys would think its got to be the liquors or the strong beers, but most guys are wrong. Girls want to get drunk. They also dont want to get sick. Miller Light tastes light, but its decieving. It has a mystic power to it that makes girls swear my name is Bradd Pitt-slavski. Its an easy beer to share and relatively cheap.

Best 40 Ouncer- Olde English: Its flat. Its bitter. Its strong as fuck. That said, nothing washes down 10 double cheeseburgers and a Marlboro at 2am better than this. I will swear by these 40s until the day I get mugged walking around with one in front of that certain Mcdonalds at 2am.

Finally....drumroll please....
Crappy Beer of the Year:
Busch Ice and Steel Reserve have TIED IT UP!
There is nothing positive about either of these beers. I wake up without my clothes, covered in animal fur, and in cold sweats after a night with these badboys. Any party serving these up needs to be shut down and mocked immediatly. Cheapness is one thing, and going for a heavy beer is acceptable, but just stick with Miller or a porter like Guiness that will fill you up and not put you on deaths bed.

So there you have it folks, a big night for Budweiser and a shitty night for the Busch Company yet again. See you next year!

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