Sunday, November 25, 2007

My Petty and Wonderful Christmas Wishlist

I decided nows as good a time as ever to make my wish list. Its really a nice change of pace actually, now, instead of reserving these spiteful wishes for strictly blowing out candles and breaking the wishbone after thanksgiving, I can just air it all out at once. Fuck yes.

1. A Servant of some kind. No ethnicity really required, but a person who can do my bidding, plant some profitable crops for me, and remind me how lucky and amazing I am. I will consider a butler, but they tend to have to much lip.

2. 20 dollars. Im not picky. 20 dollars is a good gift. I could buy beer and a t-shirt that tells people im a slacker and if its especially cheap beer and fabric, I could also afford a pack of Camels. Jesus thats like a fucking days worth of fun right there.

3. New York City- Every burrough, every bridge, every person. Id scoop it up, tilt it vertically, and watch as the largest gathering of scummy guidos and brownstoners fall into the ocean. If they survive, ill force them to reside in Jersey. If Bostonians give me any more lip, theyre next. Ill probably re-design New York after this genocide. Id make it cool, rename it Gotham, find someone to be the cities batman, burn every FDNY cap I can find, and make a giant loft across Times Square that everyone has to walk by while I expose some Morning Wood in my glass walled house. Elaborate? Hell no!

4. A really cool, rundown looking record player so I can show it off in my dormroom while young semi-alternative girls look on in fascination at my sophisticated musical tastes. Maybe we could sip some Chardonnay afterwards and talk about Dylan and activism and my awesome college beard.

thats all

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Joining the Army vs. Going to College

After recently learning that I have been placed on academic probation yet again, a thought crossed my mind. Maybe college isnt for me. Maybe im too smart, to strong, to cool and hip to be left on a campus taking classes about theory and bullshit. Thats when I saw an army recruiter. He waved at me with that patriotic stature only Uncle Sam can give you.

Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.

Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really

Reasons to Stay in College:
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Things I Can Do After Drinking

1 Beer- All of a sudden I forget I was supposed to turn off the oven, I forget I am failing two classes and teetering on probation once again, I forget I just got a speeding ticket one week before my insurance dropped.

2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.

3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!

4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.

5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!

6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.

7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.

8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.

9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.

10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"

11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.

12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

What Your Major Says About You

I needed a column that really opens up the site to new possibilities and new readers (sorry mom i need more than one). That said, I decided all my judging of people and analysis could be put together to typecast each person in college, simply by their major. I know im right on with this bad boy too.

1.Architecture: Smart, efficient, hiding one single emotional scar that will tail them for life, clean cut, sarcastic

2. Art History- Smell musty, have been locked in library book shelves before, too much pubic hair on the face, liberal elitist, future McDonalds historian (cashier)

3. Biology-Humble, low key, ugly as all get out

4. Business- Unlikeable, believe you have charisma when its in fact a slight retardation, very little to no real business skills.

5. Communications- Very boring and hard to communicate with unless it involves that person and his/her boring life. Less attractive than youd think.

6. Engineering- Like biology only foriegners who are uglier than all get out, smarter than all get out too though.

7. Foriegn Language- Future migrant laborer

8. Geography- Watched Indiana Jones as a child, masturbate to Harrison Ford frequently.

9. Healthcare- You clean asses and touch sick people for a living. I will never allow you to touch me without a glove on. If thats ok, than we should totally get to know one another.

10. Math/Stat- You were smart in high school, fell in love with how accpeting a college full of kids like you could be, than quickly realized your department is dreary, your teachers are dreary, and the kids walking in and out of the Arts and Sciences classes are having much better lives.

11. English- You have no redeemable talent to society. I am so sorry.

12. Information Technology- You will keep the seat warm for Raji in Bangladash for a few years. You will also be meeting a girl from Art History and having terribly sad relations, but who gives a shit, your in IT.

13. Web Design: You read my blogs and laugh at how low technology they are and slap high fives. One day, Ill make you all re-design my blogs for free because if you dont, Ill beat up your children. So take that.

14. Teaching- Good looking girls, nice enough guys, absolute air of arrogance and self assuredness that smells of fish. Thats unfortunate I know.

15. Political Science- You like to wear your hair a bit scraggly, read some Socialistg Realism, and sip wine while listening to NPR. You have endless one liners. Unfortunately, outside talking Marx v. Lenin, your social skills are as capable as Borat.

Top 5 Worst College Movies of All-Time

1. American Pie 2
2. Sydney White
3. Dorm Daze 1 and 2
4. Stomp the Yard
5. Old School

Im not getting into detail here. American Pie plays off cliches that I cant even fathom anymore. Sydney White has Amanda Bynes who went from cute, to average, to below average in about 6 months. Someone get her some coke and red bull. National Lampoons Dorm Daze is exactly the shit college kids eat up and try to recreate. Well I hate it cause the fat kid from old Disney Movies circa 1995 is in it, but hes not too fat anymore so hes just ugly. Stomp the Yard is spoken in jive, not english, so i couldnt even begin to judge it. Old School had a good cast but sorta made you believe girls actually want to meet Vince Vaughn and Andy Dick.

I Dont Want Your F'ing Flier

Im walking to my car, trying to check and see if my car was the most recent victim of vandilzation, when all of a sudden I realize im being yelled at. I turned around and two smallish sorority girls who definitely stem from the "were not that hot but defintely slutty" branch are glaring at me, causing a ruckus. Apparently, while daydreaming on my walk to the car, I passed them while they tried to hand me a flier for a dollar off entrance to some new club downtown. I never even noticed them. Uusally, if your not super attractive and smell like roses/tulips....Im going to walk right on by. Sorry. But these girls wouldnt drop it. They make a dramatic scene out of it, calling me a jerk and acting as though im the retarded one who cant get a real job and needs to pass out fliers to burnt out clubs that change names but keep the same fucking themes and crowds.

Oh well, at least my car wasnt vandalized.

Every College Kid Should Run for President

Its official. 100 percent of the students I have polled (made up in my head) have claimed that they are fit to be president. Its astounding that in a country where less than 10 percent of the population even finds the job admirable, such a whopping percentage of young, ignorant, elitists seem to think they could reach out to a divided country.

Whether it be the Christian but still reaaaaalllly indie Starbucks sippin "brah" or the over-the-top wine cooler swigging frat boy, College students all feel they could lead the country better than leaders with decades of experience. Alfred "Pimpin'" Schwartzman proclaimed to me in front of his Black History class that "President Bush is jus stealing that oil, whack ass motherfucker! I would git us da fuck out Iraq and get sum dat healthcare!" Expecting the rest of the class to applaud this young Jewish mans vibrant black attitude, I was pleased to see everyone look on with disdain. Mario DeMario, a young African American student carjacked than taunted "Pimpin" after word if this was in reaction to the comments.

Still, the underlying thought on college campuses around the country is clear, "We are better than you!" With the intensity and commitment of Nazi Youth but the physical power and street smarts of a Nicole Richie, this makes for a demographic with one tremendous bark, and one laughable bite.

Ways to Become Famous for Having a Blog:

I get this thought in my head all the time. Im sitting around, smoking and eating green olives and staring down passerbys, and all of a sudden I start thinking, man...I have so much more potential than these shitheads. I bet if I wrote a blog, people would listen.

And than I exhale.

Jesus, what a stupid idea. Sadly, a lot of you people seem to disagree with me. Too many of you bastards believe blogs are the wave of the future. Im here to tell you, no one got rich AND happy off blogging. Tucker Max has discarded his blogs, Maddox as well. The two most famous commentary guys in the world got to the pinnacle of blog-success, only to decide theyd much rather be c-list celeberities. So keep your chin up all you future Ryan Holidays and Bill Simmons', cause here are 3 ways you CAN become rich and famous and endlessly satisfied from blogging:

1. Get a webcam, a farm animal, and a vivid imagination
2. Take cheesy 80s songs and put them to the background of clips from melocramatic tv shows.
3. Critique every aspect of mainstream society because you are edgy as hell.

If your willing to try any of these methods, you will surely find happiness in the blogosophere!