Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Fat Girls vs. Ugly Girls- A Zero Sum Game

I have long debated with friends, family, and higher-ups the scenario of choosing between a fat girl and an ugly girl. Its a question that haunts me day and night, knowing deep down one day I will be forced to choose after a large supply of viagra and Budweiser. Its not a decision I want to make, knowing full well neither will leave me satisfied or optimistic, but I have decided today I will come to terms with lifes great question and determine who is better to go home with at the end of a long night, the fat girl or the ugly girl.

On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.

On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.

Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.

At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.

Smoking, A Healthy Habit for Children and Adults Both! wants you to believe smoking is "not hip". Rob Reiner wants you to believe smoking is rude and disgusting. Your doctor wants you to believe that by smoking your going to end up a very ugly and sickly old the age of 27.

Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.

In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.

2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.

3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.

4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.

5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.

So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.