Thursday, August 16, 2007

Possible Facebook Apps 2 Weeks From Now

I'm getting pretty gosh darn tired of all the poking, ranking, and overall horseplay being promoted by Facebook. Its a known fact that Facebook Poking causes 5 percent of college pregnancies every year. Do we really need that!!?!?!? With the absurd new applications popping out every day like a Mexican at the Unemployment Office, I thought I would go ahead and introduce a few of the new apps bound to become available to the public.

1. Facebook Poker
-God knows some Asian kid is going to take this too far and start raving about how pimp his 300,000 facebook poker chips are...

2. Facebook...and Beyond
-Im holding out hope for this one, an "adult" facebook where people can reveal a little more than just their face..if you catch my drift...boobs....i meant boobies...

3.) Facebook Spam
- Some dumb ass is going to introduce spam to facebook and in a matter of minutes im going to find out that new wall post wasnt from a hot girl, but instead, a girl named Lavondah who wants to sell me penile implants. Cmon Lavondah, I dont need implants...just a helping hand!

4.)Facebook Popularity Meter
-Just how popular are you amongst your friends? Well why not let facebook ruin your life and tell you? This ones just about a lock to ruin the life of every girl who told herself she was indie and turned out to be ugly...sorry sweetie.

5 Easy Ways to Save Money During Your First Year

My first year in college, I burnt through cash like Pacman Jones at a Strip Club. I was making it rain from the cafeteria to the nightclub every day. By Summer Break I was eating crack rock flavored cocoa puffs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Dont let this happen to you, by following these 5 easy suggestions, you can save hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year!

1.) Steal From the Bookstore
----Bookstore workers are either a.) incompetent people who wear school spirit wear or b.) ugly people who wear school spirit wear and dont look as good as the first type. Either way, your not going to get caught stealing from the bookstore. The first type of person wouldnt even realize you were stealing 4 bottles of Tylenol and a whole curriculum set on nude art. The ugly workers on the other hand, might realize you are stealing, but are far too intimidated by your impressive physique to question you. Cast a scowl on them and walk away!

2.) Dont Bring Your Car
----"No, asshole, I dont have to be DD just because you couldnt afford to bring a car to college!" sound like a conversation you often find yourself in? Avoid this by trading in your car for a pair of sporty roller blades. The girls/guys will be catcalling at you day and night!

3.)Attend Christian Oriented Activities
----Hey, who wants to party with Jesus?!?!? Sure, he doesent have any beer or kegs, but any party in the name of the Jesus is going to have free food, innocently hott chicks, and...well thats about it...but hey why the hell not?

4.)Steal from Frat Parties
----This is a personal favirote. For every frat party that demands you X your hand if your under 21, you should steal at least 4-5 items of value. You could see a lamp or a beat up paddle to the grimy Mexicans at a nearby flea market for at least 10-12 dollars. Thats big money man. We are talking an 18 pack of shit beer.

5.) Gamble
----God man, just do it, dont be a pussy! Gamble that scholarship away! It gives life an interesting zest when your washing the basketball teams dirty laundry for a year all so they wont hit that free throw that kills your spread. Hell Yes!

Gross, Its a Blemish!

Listen guys, if their is one thing you want to make sure and do as the school year starts, this is it. Avoid anyone who appears flawed. Trust me. If you want to make friends, now is the time to start weeding out the bad or not-quite-ripe seeds. Old high school pal walk with a gimp? Run away, CoEd, Run away! Hes only going to make everyone think hes your boyfriend!

Wheelchair bound buddy's novelty starting to wear off at parties? Bust a pipe over those wheels and leave him to fend for himself.

I'm serious here, boys and girls, ditch the flawed friends before you get ditched yourself. Yeah, at first everyones going to be extra nice to mustasche girl and midget boy because they feel pity. But guess what, your not mustasche girl or midget boy. Your just the even lamer friend stuck with them.

No matter how deep the bond or how much you owe them, cut the ties now pal, because youll be better off and better looking come tommorow!