Wednesday, February 27, 2008

13 Year Old Skateboarders Give Me Ulcers

I'm only 19. I shouldnt have to worry about stress and ulcers. I certainly could be labeled relaxed in most aspects of my life anyways. Unfortunately, I also live on the same street as some little shits who call themselves skateboarders.

I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.

In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.

Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.

Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.

The Fall of Rolling Stone Magazine

I get Rolling Stone in the mail every other week. Its fun to look at the pictures and place the glossy cover on my coffee table so all of my sophisticated friends can think of me as edgy, but smart.

Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.

According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.

The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The College Clubber: A Horrifying Combo

The trendy flavor for this week is the College Clubber. You know who I am talking about, and honestly, theres a good chance its probably you. Im not one to pass judgement (lie) but after being handed 1393848 fliers while walking to classes and being subjected to 2928348438 facebook pictures of dudes throwing gang signs inside clubs while surrounded by mediocre chicks, I had to speak out. Consider it my intervention party.
Enough is enough, though. Just because you go to the same spot 6 nights a week and know the bartenders by name, I am supposed to belive it when you say your living the good life? I've tried the clubbing game. All I found was the same thing over and over. Dudes with dark hair and dark, fake tans pounding it followed closely by ravenous looking girls who look great after a 12 pack of High Life but probably resemble Rosie O'Donnell the next morning. Yet somehow, these people never seem to get sick of it. They seem to thrive inside this little bubble they have created where they are celebrities in their minds because they can go out and mingle at nice looking bars.

Come on jackasses, ANYONE could get into the VIP section at ANY bar. Just because your doing it doesent mean everyone else should. Believe me, you can spit as many Kanye West and Jay Z lyrics out and talk about how big a pimp you are all night long, but the next morning, Im certain your getting into your car, pumping up the Fray and crying over the tab you ran up buying Layla, the Staten Island girls drinks only to see her go off with your friend Tito. Its ok, though, Im sure theyres 7,000 other Persian twentysomethings with daddys credit card looking to be your clubbing body and tan with you, I promise.

The Beer Guide 07 Award Show

Its time once again my fellow Trendy naysayers, to look back on the wonderful world of beer for the year of 2007. It was a fascinating, riveting year...a year that brought you alcoholic enegery drinks by Budweiser and the new Craft Miller series. A year that finally showed Bud Light can be beaten, and at the same time, that PBR is a son of a bitch yet again. Lets look back my friends, and define these beers for who they are and what theyve become!

Beer of the Year:
Winner: Budweiser- Solid. Crisp. Refreshing. 5.5 percent alcohol. All these things make my stomach fill with butterflies just thinking about it. Budweiser is the grandaddy of beers, even though Miller is a bit older...., the one we look to and say, "Damn, thats American beer." It balances the difference between light beers and porters and makes everything right in the world. Equally good at getting girls drunk, being used in beer pong tournaments, and being nursed alone while watching porno on a hot Summer night. Budweiser, I salute you!

Runner Up: Blue Moon- I once thought it was only for wealthy white frat boys, a beer that costs more than the 17 quarters I had for just a 6 pack. I was determined to avoid it, not give into its tempting design and adjectives on the bottles. Than, last night, I did it. I broke the embargo. I had one. Than I had two. Than I had 6. It was just a normal night but what I discovered was the most excellent tasting beer I have ever had. It only loses to Budweiser because it is tough to play beer pong with. Oh fucking well.

Best Quarters Beer: Coors Light- This is light, tasty, and...light. Seriously though, from August to November this is all I drank and its understandable. When the weather is warmer, its a good drink that almost rehydrates you. You could play quarters all night and it would never get you too drunk. I have done the power hour multiple times with this beer.

Best Beer Pong Beer: Miller High Life- Very similar to Coors Light, but its crisper and a little bit stronger. Almost tastes like a Sprite. Its the only beer I like MORE in a bottle.

Best Beer to Make an Ugly Chick into a Sexy Chick: Michelob Porter- Stronger beer that goes down strong and sits in your belly like a meal. Defintely a personal favirote. It tastes good and gets you a happy drunk that makes Little Miss Piggy over there into fucking Jessica Fucking Alba! Ohhh yeah.

Best Beer to Make a Cute Chick Interested in You: Miller Light- Most guys would think its got to be the liquors or the strong beers, but most guys are wrong. Girls want to get drunk. They also dont want to get sick. Miller Light tastes light, but its decieving. It has a mystic power to it that makes girls swear my name is Bradd Pitt-slavski. Its an easy beer to share and relatively cheap.

Best 40 Ouncer- Olde English: Its flat. Its bitter. Its strong as fuck. That said, nothing washes down 10 double cheeseburgers and a Marlboro at 2am better than this. I will swear by these 40s until the day I get mugged walking around with one in front of that certain Mcdonalds at 2am.

Finally....drumroll please....
Crappy Beer of the Year:
Busch Ice and Steel Reserve have TIED IT UP!
There is nothing positive about either of these beers. I wake up without my clothes, covered in animal fur, and in cold sweats after a night with these badboys. Any party serving these up needs to be shut down and mocked immediatly. Cheapness is one thing, and going for a heavy beer is acceptable, but just stick with Miller or a porter like Guiness that will fill you up and not put you on deaths bed.

So there you have it folks, a big night for Budweiser and a shitty night for the Busch Company yet again. See you next year!

So your a model...or are you a "model"?

Every girl between the age of 16 and 21 works at Hollister or American Eagle or...if theyre really AWESOME, Abercrombie and Fitch for at least a week. Its like the alternative to becoming a stripper. Either the chick works there or she strips. No grey matter at all. What I really find funny, though, isnt the fact these girls promote a "beachy" and "hip" lifestyle while living in concrete jungles called the suburbs. No, thats been overplayed by now. The funny part is these girls think theyre models. Every one of them will tell you they work as a model for these stores. Its funny because, I really had no idea half of these models...usually the ugly ones....are actually "modeling" when in it certainly appears they are folding clothes I picked up, scoffed at, and dropped on the floor.

I guess I'm just naive but im pretty sure thats not called being a model, I think thats called being my biotch. It gets worse though. These girls, still convinced they are modeling, are all subjected to bitchy orders from homosexual store managers named Rick or Philipe who are "totally serious" about taking out the trashbags. When theyre done picking up my clothes and running errands for Phillipe and Rick while they high five, these pampered models get to go back in the store and SOCIALIZE!!

Unfortunately, theyre not mingling with David Beckham and myself. No, theyre forced to work with the only people worse than themselves, men who call themsevles models. These guys are just a joke and even the dumbass female "models" sense it, theyre just to afraid to admit it. Any dumbass walking into a store with a hemp bracelet, toe rings, and or signature rainbows is one "Sassy" comment away from getting his ass kicked. The female models are oblivious to this fact though, and after an hour or two of collecting hangers, they begin to fall for it and sneak into the bathroom to take Myspace pictures.

And its all cyclical folks, this whole process. These girls arent models, theyre minimum wage workers. They are no different than the hispanic cart collector at Wal Mart aside from the fact that the wal mart worker doesent live a lie...unless hes telling people hes Enrique Inglesias...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Energy Drinks are to Extreme

I'm not ready to handle an energy drink. Hell, I am barely fit to handle a diet Mountain Dew. Something about looking to a drink for "extreme energy" is disturbing and shadowy. Next time all the kids who get paid 3 dollars an hour plus "commision" to sit on campus pressuring me to buy these drinks see me walking around, I hope they realize I'm just not ready. Maybe one day, with that special someone, Ill have a sip of that forbidden badass beverage and Ill naturally develop a tribal tatoo and a mandanna before your eyes...but until that point, please, dont corrupt me with your senseless advertising and sugary sweet cans of sin.

I'l stick to coffee and beer in the mornings t give me the proper ups and downs I need to get on with my day. They dont have much in terms of marketing campaigns...I mean seriously, my coffee is in a styrofoam cup made by a man named Juan at the 76 station nearby....but what my drinks lack in coolness, they make up for in quenching my thirst and getting me through another day of college life. Sounds good to me!

Pipe Smoking: Underrated future trend in campuses across the nation...

No, not a crack pipe. Certainly not a bowl. Im talking about a fucking pipe. One that puffs out tobacco and gives you a hit that, when mixed with a certain marijuana plant could be potent.
Friday night a friend of mine popped one out on the trip to a party. I realized my collection of old pipes was suddenly unbelievably valuable. I hurried inside and grabbed my toilet bowl shaped one and my crack pipe shaped one (for mike of course) and quickly set out on a new trend setting hobby!

I like my cigarettes and cigars as much as the next lung cancer patient. Hell, I will eat a Marlboro for the remote possibility of a nicotine hit if I am without lighter. That being said, I think a pipe is the best of both worlds. You look classy, and you smell classy. Not to mention your smoking classy tobacco products. None of that scrap heap shit you get in cigarettes, Im talking strains of elegant plant so rich and full bodied you dont need any fucking cologne.

So, light em up folks, bust it out, pipes are the trend of the week and possibly the year, lets just wait and see.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Monday, February 11, 2008

Foriegn Languages Sound Foriegn or Something

German, Spanish, Latin, French...a list of my favirote kind of women? Of course not, I dont even know what a Latin girl would look like. The list I just unveiled is strictly a compilation of my foriegn language courses over the years. All of them have made my life hell. All of them have made me get ulcers. All of them suck.

Today I quit German. My professor has too many hand mannerisms and gets way to frisky. Three months ago I quit Spanish. That bitch told me I was going to fail straight least shes honest. Before that I struggled with Latin and French, all the while knowing if I ever wanted to speak to a foriegner, I would just talk louder and slower...being as obnoxious as possible.

Sadly, our college professors and department chairs have decided we should all be required to learn a foriegn language if we choose to obtain a Bachelor of Arts. Now I know the BA is a joke around most campuses, but I also know most kids getting the BA laugh at the students with a BS. Its a real healthy relationship and sense of camraderie. One thing that will forever prevent the two sides from coming to a common ground, however, is the exsistence of the Foriegn Language Credit. I am going to spend the remaining 2 years at college registering for, than dropping or flunking these bastard classes and there is nothing I can do about it.

What jackass thought it would be best for people to learn totally different languages in a classroom? To make matters worse, in a classroom filled with people who cant speak this new language. Is that a very learning friendly environment? Probably not..and by that I mean NO BUENO. I think I said no good, I may have said No to some guy named Bueno reading my page in Mexico City...Im sorry Bueno.

Group Work, Schmop Work

I dont know why professors always put me in group work situations when Im a college student. I thought half the reason I worked my ass off in high school was to avoid interaction with people I deem socially awkward. I mean, its a given im not getting paired off with the hot girl or the guy whos tossing out compliments left and right. Nope, im getting the gothic girl and the foriegn exchange student from Africa every time. And thats quite alright most of the time, but when we are than told to discuss the effects of Tolstoy on further Russian literature, I'm at a loss for words.

We all know how the politics of group work plays out next. The ugly girl starts getting antsy that some guy is looking at her, so in order do divert attention she pulls out a paper and pen and offers to do the writing. You, being a male im assuming because theres no way girls would read this site...if their was a chance in hell of that id probably change my name to B-Diddy and just post pics of myself on the site...anyways back to the point, so while the hag gets to work on writing the assignment, the exchange student decides to go ahead and immediately disagree with the first point she makes in the discussion. The girl looks up in a fit of anger but is quickly overwhelmed by social anxiety and just instead stares at the exchange student.

This is my most common experience when it comes to group work. Human interaction at its best.