College and moreso now, High school, students love to talk about how big their penii are. (I am refering to male students...obviously.) I mean, the way dudes like to talk about this shit, you would think that their penis grew an inch every time they exaggerated.
Last night, some polish goober named Gutowski felt the need to tell a girl in front of him he had a 9 inch penis. I quickly challenged him to prove it.
Im not the gay one here, if he does in fact have a 9 inch penis, im going to give him a pat on the back and whistle with awe.
Odds are, however, hes packing an uncircumcised choad built more for a hand than a girl. 99 Percent of the guys who tell you how bigs their dicks are, can relate to Gutowski. Keep it in your pants and keep it to yourself.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The Trendy Gangsters Handshake
I like to shake hands as if im clamping a slap of concrete. I squeeze so tight I want to hear your knuckles pop. To me, it means im the man, and thats whats important in life...knowing your the man.
Unfortunately, one of the many cultural diffusions from black people that has seeped into middle class white society is the complicated handshake.
I know, i know, when im drinking, nothing is more satisfying in the world than completing one of these handshakes with a black guy. It means your the shit, your open minded, your real, your penis is gigantic. Come on though, does shaking hands really need to be so difficult? I promise, it never looks cool to see some caucasion goobers slap hands. No girl appreciates it. Youd be much better off breaking that fuckers hand.
Unfortunately, one of the many cultural diffusions from black people that has seeped into middle class white society is the complicated handshake.
I know, i know, when im drinking, nothing is more satisfying in the world than completing one of these handshakes with a black guy. It means your the shit, your open minded, your real, your penis is gigantic. Come on though, does shaking hands really need to be so difficult? I promise, it never looks cool to see some caucasion goobers slap hands. No girl appreciates it. Youd be much better off breaking that fuckers hand.
Pocket Chains, Cause Fun Can Be Badass
My friend Kyle had a party at his house this weekend. It sucked. I like to go to my own bed and cope with alcohol poisoning before going back out the next night. Not happening at Kyles, though. Everyone stayed the night. Friday night was excellent, I went 2 for 5 in beer pong and polished off an 18 pack which put me in "Life of the Party" mode. Fooled around with a girl who, on her mothers grave, was 19 or 20...or something of age, she swore. To top it off, I led a fight against a typical "I take pics of myself throwing gang signs in the mirror for myspace" wankster who had previously threatened to shoot me.
The house was so gone by this point, before the battle, I led about 20 kids in a chant mimicking the under arm commercial. "What time is it??" I roared. "Game time!"
Drunk white guys love to release inner testosterone on one another.
But alas, it was not game time, but instead bed time. I passed out soon after, vomited on myself many a time, and started to question if I would die the death of a hero.
Noon rolled around and some shits were still there. Who were these kids? I dont know. They arrived around 7-8am Kyle believed and they were all sporting pocket chains and bowls.
Apparently, the pocket chain craze didnt die with Waynes World. Its back baby. All we need now is the revival of Zebra Pants and we got ourselves a party. Anyways, all these guys had the Pete Wentz look going on and I began to realize just where my life had led me, sitting in a puddle of vomit with marker on my face, and surrounded by 17 year olds with pocket chains.
Yea
The house was so gone by this point, before the battle, I led about 20 kids in a chant mimicking the under arm commercial. "What time is it??" I roared. "Game time!"
Drunk white guys love to release inner testosterone on one another.
But alas, it was not game time, but instead bed time. I passed out soon after, vomited on myself many a time, and started to question if I would die the death of a hero.
Noon rolled around and some shits were still there. Who were these kids? I dont know. They arrived around 7-8am Kyle believed and they were all sporting pocket chains and bowls.
Apparently, the pocket chain craze didnt die with Waynes World. Its back baby. All we need now is the revival of Zebra Pants and we got ourselves a party. Anyways, all these guys had the Pete Wentz look going on and I began to realize just where my life had led me, sitting in a puddle of vomit with marker on my face, and surrounded by 17 year olds with pocket chains.
Yea
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Yeah...I dont care about Darfur
Students held a rally at UNCC for Darfur last week. I dont think this is a big surprise to anyone seeing how students hold a rally for Darfur every week. I'm starting to wonder why college kids are so drawn to this shit hole of a country. I mean...if its about finding a cause (and it always is with these kids) than how about devoting that much time to losing weight or getting a hair cut?
Im not unsympathetic for Darfur personally, but I can think of at least 10-20 things that would be more fun, and just as helpful to the people of Darfur without rallying:
1. Sleeping
2. Drinking beer
3. Throwing rocks at people holding rallies for Darfur
4. Taking a crap
5. Driving to McDonalds
6. Facebooking for 5 hours straight
7. Teasing a homeless man
8. Running from the homeless man
9. Resting my eyes and pretending to sleep
10.Braiding bracelts that say "Save Darfur" than selling them for 5 dollars a piece
Thats just a sample folks. I can think of many more. See, Ive come to terms with the following things:
1. Activism is an easy way to feel fulfilled but accomplish nothing
2. Going to rallies means being surroumded by ugly girls
3. We have just as many tougher problems going on in our own country
4. Nothing will change in Darfur because conflict involving these tribes and Sudan has much more history than we can imagine and its unlikely a student at an American University with a toilet seat that costs more than a refugee tent can understand the situation from both perspectives.
So...if anyones trying to get their hands on some Save Darfur t-shirts or panties made from 100percent natural materials and the sweat and blood of child laborers in China, hit me up.
Im not unsympathetic for Darfur personally, but I can think of at least 10-20 things that would be more fun, and just as helpful to the people of Darfur without rallying:
1. Sleeping
2. Drinking beer
3. Throwing rocks at people holding rallies for Darfur
4. Taking a crap
5. Driving to McDonalds
6. Facebooking for 5 hours straight
7. Teasing a homeless man
8. Running from the homeless man
9. Resting my eyes and pretending to sleep
10.Braiding bracelts that say "Save Darfur" than selling them for 5 dollars a piece
Thats just a sample folks. I can think of many more. See, Ive come to terms with the following things:
1. Activism is an easy way to feel fulfilled but accomplish nothing
2. Going to rallies means being surroumded by ugly girls
3. We have just as many tougher problems going on in our own country
4. Nothing will change in Darfur because conflict involving these tribes and Sudan has much more history than we can imagine and its unlikely a student at an American University with a toilet seat that costs more than a refugee tent can understand the situation from both perspectives.
So...if anyones trying to get their hands on some Save Darfur t-shirts or panties made from 100percent natural materials and the sweat and blood of child laborers in China, hit me up.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
My Petty and Wonderful Christmas Wishlist
I decided nows as good a time as ever to make my wish list. Its really a nice change of pace actually, now, instead of reserving these spiteful wishes for strictly blowing out candles and breaking the wishbone after thanksgiving, I can just air it all out at once. Fuck yes.
1. A Servant of some kind. No ethnicity really required, but a person who can do my bidding, plant some profitable crops for me, and remind me how lucky and amazing I am. I will consider a butler, but they tend to have to much lip.
2. 20 dollars. Im not picky. 20 dollars is a good gift. I could buy beer and a t-shirt that tells people im a slacker and if its especially cheap beer and fabric, I could also afford a pack of Camels. Jesus thats like a fucking days worth of fun right there.
3. New York City- Every burrough, every bridge, every person. Id scoop it up, tilt it vertically, and watch as the largest gathering of scummy guidos and brownstoners fall into the ocean. If they survive, ill force them to reside in Jersey. If Bostonians give me any more lip, theyre next. Ill probably re-design New York after this genocide. Id make it cool, rename it Gotham, find someone to be the cities batman, burn every FDNY cap I can find, and make a giant loft across Times Square that everyone has to walk by while I expose some Morning Wood in my glass walled house. Elaborate? Hell no!
4. A really cool, rundown looking record player so I can show it off in my dormroom while young semi-alternative girls look on in fascination at my sophisticated musical tastes. Maybe we could sip some Chardonnay afterwards and talk about Dylan and activism and my awesome college beard.
thats all
1. A Servant of some kind. No ethnicity really required, but a person who can do my bidding, plant some profitable crops for me, and remind me how lucky and amazing I am. I will consider a butler, but they tend to have to much lip.
2. 20 dollars. Im not picky. 20 dollars is a good gift. I could buy beer and a t-shirt that tells people im a slacker and if its especially cheap beer and fabric, I could also afford a pack of Camels. Jesus thats like a fucking days worth of fun right there.
3. New York City- Every burrough, every bridge, every person. Id scoop it up, tilt it vertically, and watch as the largest gathering of scummy guidos and brownstoners fall into the ocean. If they survive, ill force them to reside in Jersey. If Bostonians give me any more lip, theyre next. Ill probably re-design New York after this genocide. Id make it cool, rename it Gotham, find someone to be the cities batman, burn every FDNY cap I can find, and make a giant loft across Times Square that everyone has to walk by while I expose some Morning Wood in my glass walled house. Elaborate? Hell no!
4. A really cool, rundown looking record player so I can show it off in my dormroom while young semi-alternative girls look on in fascination at my sophisticated musical tastes. Maybe we could sip some Chardonnay afterwards and talk about Dylan and activism and my awesome college beard.
thats all
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Joining the Army vs. Going to College
After recently learning that I have been placed on academic probation yet again, a thought crossed my mind. Maybe college isnt for me. Maybe im too smart, to strong, to cool and hip to be left on a campus taking classes about theory and bullshit. Thats when I saw an army recruiter. He waved at me with that patriotic stature only Uncle Sam can give you.
Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.
Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really
Reasons to Stay in College:
-Girls
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Girls
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.
Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.
Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really
Reasons to Stay in College:
-Girls
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Girls
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Things I Can Do After Drinking
1 Beer- All of a sudden I forget I was supposed to turn off the oven, I forget I am failing two classes and teetering on probation once again, I forget I just got a speeding ticket one week before my insurance dropped.
2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.
3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!
4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.
5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!
6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.
7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.
8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.
9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.
10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"
11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.
12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.
2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.
3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!
4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.
5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!
6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.
7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.
8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.
9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.
10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"
11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.
12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
What Your Major Says About You
I needed a column that really opens up the site to new possibilities and new readers (sorry mom i need more than one). That said, I decided all my judging of people and analysis could be put together to typecast each person in college, simply by their major. I know im right on with this bad boy too.
1.Architecture: Smart, efficient, hiding one single emotional scar that will tail them for life, clean cut, sarcastic
2. Art History- Smell musty, have been locked in library book shelves before, too much pubic hair on the face, liberal elitist, future McDonalds historian (cashier)
3. Biology-Humble, low key, ugly as all get out
4. Business- Unlikeable, believe you have charisma when its in fact a slight retardation, very little to no real business skills.
5. Communications- Very boring and hard to communicate with unless it involves that person and his/her boring life. Less attractive than youd think.
6. Engineering- Like biology only foriegners who are uglier than all get out, smarter than all get out too though.
7. Foriegn Language- Future migrant laborer
8. Geography- Watched Indiana Jones as a child, masturbate to Harrison Ford frequently.
9. Healthcare- You clean asses and touch sick people for a living. I will never allow you to touch me without a glove on. If thats ok, than we should totally get to know one another.
10. Math/Stat- You were smart in high school, fell in love with how accpeting a college full of kids like you could be, than quickly realized your department is dreary, your teachers are dreary, and the kids walking in and out of the Arts and Sciences classes are having much better lives.
11. English- You have no redeemable talent to society. I am so sorry.
12. Information Technology- You will keep the seat warm for Raji in Bangladash for a few years. You will also be meeting a girl from Art History and having terribly sad relations, but who gives a shit, your in IT.
13. Web Design: You read my blogs and laugh at how low technology they are and slap high fives. One day, Ill make you all re-design my blogs for free because if you dont, Ill beat up your children. So take that.
14. Teaching- Good looking girls, nice enough guys, absolute air of arrogance and self assuredness that smells of fish. Thats unfortunate I know.
15. Political Science- You like to wear your hair a bit scraggly, read some Socialistg Realism, and sip wine while listening to NPR. You have endless one liners. Unfortunately, outside talking Marx v. Lenin, your social skills are as capable as Borat.
1.Architecture: Smart, efficient, hiding one single emotional scar that will tail them for life, clean cut, sarcastic
2. Art History- Smell musty, have been locked in library book shelves before, too much pubic hair on the face, liberal elitist, future McDonalds historian (cashier)
3. Biology-Humble, low key, ugly as all get out
4. Business- Unlikeable, believe you have charisma when its in fact a slight retardation, very little to no real business skills.
5. Communications- Very boring and hard to communicate with unless it involves that person and his/her boring life. Less attractive than youd think.
6. Engineering- Like biology only foriegners who are uglier than all get out, smarter than all get out too though.
7. Foriegn Language- Future migrant laborer
8. Geography- Watched Indiana Jones as a child, masturbate to Harrison Ford frequently.
9. Healthcare- You clean asses and touch sick people for a living. I will never allow you to touch me without a glove on. If thats ok, than we should totally get to know one another.
10. Math/Stat- You were smart in high school, fell in love with how accpeting a college full of kids like you could be, than quickly realized your department is dreary, your teachers are dreary, and the kids walking in and out of the Arts and Sciences classes are having much better lives.
11. English- You have no redeemable talent to society. I am so sorry.
12. Information Technology- You will keep the seat warm for Raji in Bangladash for a few years. You will also be meeting a girl from Art History and having terribly sad relations, but who gives a shit, your in IT.
13. Web Design: You read my blogs and laugh at how low technology they are and slap high fives. One day, Ill make you all re-design my blogs for free because if you dont, Ill beat up your children. So take that.
14. Teaching- Good looking girls, nice enough guys, absolute air of arrogance and self assuredness that smells of fish. Thats unfortunate I know.
15. Political Science- You like to wear your hair a bit scraggly, read some Socialistg Realism, and sip wine while listening to NPR. You have endless one liners. Unfortunately, outside talking Marx v. Lenin, your social skills are as capable as Borat.
Top 5 Worst College Movies of All-Time
1. American Pie 2
2. Sydney White
3. Dorm Daze 1 and 2
4. Stomp the Yard
5. Old School
Im not getting into detail here. American Pie plays off cliches that I cant even fathom anymore. Sydney White has Amanda Bynes who went from cute, to average, to below average in about 6 months. Someone get her some coke and red bull. National Lampoons Dorm Daze is exactly the shit college kids eat up and try to recreate. Well I hate it cause the fat kid from old Disney Movies circa 1995 is in it, but hes not too fat anymore so hes just ugly. Stomp the Yard is spoken in jive, not english, so i couldnt even begin to judge it. Old School had a good cast but sorta made you believe girls actually want to meet Vince Vaughn and Andy Dick.
2. Sydney White
3. Dorm Daze 1 and 2
4. Stomp the Yard
5. Old School
Im not getting into detail here. American Pie plays off cliches that I cant even fathom anymore. Sydney White has Amanda Bynes who went from cute, to average, to below average in about 6 months. Someone get her some coke and red bull. National Lampoons Dorm Daze is exactly the shit college kids eat up and try to recreate. Well I hate it cause the fat kid from old Disney Movies circa 1995 is in it, but hes not too fat anymore so hes just ugly. Stomp the Yard is spoken in jive, not english, so i couldnt even begin to judge it. Old School had a good cast but sorta made you believe girls actually want to meet Vince Vaughn and Andy Dick.
I Dont Want Your F'ing Flier
Im walking to my car, trying to check and see if my car was the most recent victim of vandilzation, when all of a sudden I realize im being yelled at. I turned around and two smallish sorority girls who definitely stem from the "were not that hot but defintely slutty" branch are glaring at me, causing a ruckus. Apparently, while daydreaming on my walk to the car, I passed them while they tried to hand me a flier for a dollar off entrance to some new club downtown. I never even noticed them. Uusally, if your not super attractive and smell like roses/tulips....Im going to walk right on by. Sorry. But these girls wouldnt drop it. They make a dramatic scene out of it, calling me a jerk and acting as though im the retarded one who cant get a real job and needs to pass out fliers to burnt out clubs that change names but keep the same fucking themes and crowds.
Oh well, at least my car wasnt vandalized.
Oh well, at least my car wasnt vandalized.
Every College Kid Should Run for President
Its official. 100 percent of the students I have polled (made up in my head) have claimed that they are fit to be president. Its astounding that in a country where less than 10 percent of the population even finds the job admirable, such a whopping percentage of young, ignorant, elitists seem to think they could reach out to a divided country.
Whether it be the Christian but still reaaaaalllly indie Starbucks sippin "brah" or the over-the-top wine cooler swigging frat boy, College students all feel they could lead the country better than leaders with decades of experience. Alfred "Pimpin'" Schwartzman proclaimed to me in front of his Black History class that "President Bush is jus stealing that oil, whack ass motherfucker! I would git us da fuck out Iraq and get sum dat healthcare!" Expecting the rest of the class to applaud this young Jewish mans vibrant black attitude, I was pleased to see everyone look on with disdain. Mario DeMario, a young African American student carjacked than taunted "Pimpin" after class...no word if this was in reaction to the comments.
Still, the underlying thought on college campuses around the country is clear, "We are better than you!" With the intensity and commitment of Nazi Youth but the physical power and street smarts of a Nicole Richie, this makes for a demographic with one tremendous bark, and one laughable bite.
Whether it be the Christian but still reaaaaalllly indie Starbucks sippin "brah" or the over-the-top wine cooler swigging frat boy, College students all feel they could lead the country better than leaders with decades of experience. Alfred "Pimpin'" Schwartzman proclaimed to me in front of his Black History class that "President Bush is jus stealing that oil, whack ass motherfucker! I would git us da fuck out Iraq and get sum dat healthcare!" Expecting the rest of the class to applaud this young Jewish mans vibrant black attitude, I was pleased to see everyone look on with disdain. Mario DeMario, a young African American student carjacked than taunted "Pimpin" after class...no word if this was in reaction to the comments.
Still, the underlying thought on college campuses around the country is clear, "We are better than you!" With the intensity and commitment of Nazi Youth but the physical power and street smarts of a Nicole Richie, this makes for a demographic with one tremendous bark, and one laughable bite.
Ways to Become Famous for Having a Blog:
I get this thought in my head all the time. Im sitting around, smoking and eating green olives and staring down passerbys, and all of a sudden I start thinking, man...I have so much more potential than these shitheads. I bet if I wrote a blog, people would listen.
And than I exhale.
Jesus, what a stupid idea. Sadly, a lot of you people seem to disagree with me. Too many of you bastards believe blogs are the wave of the future. Im here to tell you, no one got rich AND happy off blogging. Tucker Max has discarded his blogs, Maddox as well. The two most famous commentary guys in the world got to the pinnacle of blog-success, only to decide theyd much rather be c-list celeberities. So keep your chin up all you future Ryan Holidays and Bill Simmons', cause here are 3 ways you CAN become rich and famous and endlessly satisfied from blogging:
1. Get a webcam, a farm animal, and a vivid imagination
2. Take cheesy 80s songs and put them to the background of clips from melocramatic tv shows.
3. Critique every aspect of mainstream society because you are edgy as hell.
If your willing to try any of these methods, you will surely find happiness in the blogosophere!
And than I exhale.
Jesus, what a stupid idea. Sadly, a lot of you people seem to disagree with me. Too many of you bastards believe blogs are the wave of the future. Im here to tell you, no one got rich AND happy off blogging. Tucker Max has discarded his blogs, Maddox as well. The two most famous commentary guys in the world got to the pinnacle of blog-success, only to decide theyd much rather be c-list celeberities. So keep your chin up all you future Ryan Holidays and Bill Simmons', cause here are 3 ways you CAN become rich and famous and endlessly satisfied from blogging:
1. Get a webcam, a farm animal, and a vivid imagination
2. Take cheesy 80s songs and put them to the background of clips from melocramatic tv shows.
3. Critique every aspect of mainstream society because you are edgy as hell.
If your willing to try any of these methods, you will surely find happiness in the blogosophere!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Wedding Weekend
In case you havent tried it, I have realized this weekend that it is absolutely vital for everyone between the ages of 18 and 21 to attend a wedding. If this involves breaking into a synagogue, sneaking onto the beach, or simply watching your friends get hitched, dont ask questions, just do it.
This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).
For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.
In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.
Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.
-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.
-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.
-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".
-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.
-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.
This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).
For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.
In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.
Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.
-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.
-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.
-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".
-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.
-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.
Man, I Never Knew I was Such a Racist!
I just wanted to take this oppurtunity to apologize to all of my readers (mom) for being such a blatant and terrible racist/sexist/homophobe. I never even knew I had these terrible, terrible biases until, luckily, esteemed leaders like Jesse Jackson and Gloria Allred became heroes on my college campus in the last few weeks. It seems that the majority of the students in college believe that 90 percent of white males at the school our bigots. I'm a logical man and this probably means I am as well. This is unfortunate, I can no longer hang out with my black friends anymore, god knows i'll say something awful.
Seriously here though, why the fuck do college students think they have enough life experience to properly determine whos racist and who isnt? I am drowning in the bitching and moaning I see every day. We've got the educated black kids who totally turn their backs on their heritage and instead get caught up in raising issue over every and anything. The Jena 6 is a good example of this. I agree that the whiteys causing trouble down there all deserve an epic beatdown, and I agree that the system can be crooked, but why on earth do kids living in Charlotte North Carolina feel it is their responsibility to weigh the situation.
But I imagine the black kids have some connection to these cases of activism. What really gets me is when the unattractive white girls and the scraggly professors tag along. Talk about two groups of people who have absolutely no right to even discuss the merits of racism let alone judge people, I have to admit, if hating these types of people was racist, I would be in jail for hate crimes for many many years.
We go to college because we want to learn something or we want something to do before life really begins. We dont come into that campus any smarter than people who never went to college and we dont leave that campus any better a person than anyone else. Unfortunately, somehow I left campus a racist and an asshole, all because I had the bad luck of being born a honkey.
Seriously here though, why the fuck do college students think they have enough life experience to properly determine whos racist and who isnt? I am drowning in the bitching and moaning I see every day. We've got the educated black kids who totally turn their backs on their heritage and instead get caught up in raising issue over every and anything. The Jena 6 is a good example of this. I agree that the whiteys causing trouble down there all deserve an epic beatdown, and I agree that the system can be crooked, but why on earth do kids living in Charlotte North Carolina feel it is their responsibility to weigh the situation.
But I imagine the black kids have some connection to these cases of activism. What really gets me is when the unattractive white girls and the scraggly professors tag along. Talk about two groups of people who have absolutely no right to even discuss the merits of racism let alone judge people, I have to admit, if hating these types of people was racist, I would be in jail for hate crimes for many many years.
We go to college because we want to learn something or we want something to do before life really begins. We dont come into that campus any smarter than people who never went to college and we dont leave that campus any better a person than anyone else. Unfortunately, somehow I left campus a racist and an asshole, all because I had the bad luck of being born a honkey.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Ultimate Frisbee or Blackberries....Whats Gayer?
The two latest trendy flavors sweeping the nation and colleges alike are raising the bar for gayness in society. Ultimate Frisbee and Blackberries....the absolute epitome of pathetic trends your going to be faced with sooner than later. The question here is not whether or not you should get involved, but rather, which one is more fun to make fun of while watching out your tiny window in your 1 room apartment while Debbie Does Dallas blares in the background?
To discover this answer, my friends, I have weighed the gayness, and the flamer-ness of both trends and lay my case before you.
Ultimate Frisbee
Pros- A sport, Outdoors, Hot girls participate...well not real hot, but cute in the "I Love Jesus" sorta way...thats ok though.
Cons- Can be played barefoot, involved a frisbee, includes the word "ultimate", allows fat girls and ugly girls to play as well, was the basis of an Air Bud movie at one point...
Blackberries
Pros-Can be thrown at people if ever in a drunken bitch fight over the last Long Island Ice Tea.
Cons- Small, makes me feel like I'm one of those Asian dudes who buys into everything Steve Jobs ever said, Doesent allow me to visit the post office, encourages me to be inactive.
Well folks, in my mind, the Blackberries had fewer positives, but the cons of the cult-like Ultimate Frisbee trend was just a bit too powerful in the end and claimed the thrown for Trend of the Week. The clincher was seeing all these fat and ugly girls come out of their caves and get on the intramural fields tonight while I watched from my one room apartments small window while Debbie Does Dallas blared in the background...or something like that.
To discover this answer, my friends, I have weighed the gayness, and the flamer-ness of both trends and lay my case before you.
Ultimate Frisbee
Pros- A sport, Outdoors, Hot girls participate...well not real hot, but cute in the "I Love Jesus" sorta way...thats ok though.
Cons- Can be played barefoot, involved a frisbee, includes the word "ultimate", allows fat girls and ugly girls to play as well, was the basis of an Air Bud movie at one point...
Blackberries
Pros-Can be thrown at people if ever in a drunken bitch fight over the last Long Island Ice Tea.
Cons- Small, makes me feel like I'm one of those Asian dudes who buys into everything Steve Jobs ever said, Doesent allow me to visit the post office, encourages me to be inactive.
Well folks, in my mind, the Blackberries had fewer positives, but the cons of the cult-like Ultimate Frisbee trend was just a bit too powerful in the end and claimed the thrown for Trend of the Week. The clincher was seeing all these fat and ugly girls come out of their caves and get on the intramural fields tonight while I watched from my one room apartments small window while Debbie Does Dallas blared in the background...or something like that.
Why Do College Kids Like Hearing Animals Moan?
Its bad enough seeing 20,000 douchebags walking around campus with iPods strapped into their ears, but its a whole new ballgame when that music coming out of your ear wax coated headphone sounds anything like animals moaning. Sadly, tis the case at universities around the country as young twenty-somethings strive for any oppurtunity to be edgy or hip. Thus, bands like "The Tragically Hip" and "Franz Ferdinand" begin becoming more and more popular. Soon, everyone on campus thinks that Acoustic is the only way to go and that Hootie and the Blowfish were especially cool...mainly because they had a black lead singer...and thats fucking edgy.
The point im trying to make is simple, if your going to listen to music on your iPod and completely go against everything music ever stood for (individualism, non-comfority, respect for the past), at least play some music we all can enjoy. There is nothing appealing about Coldplay or DMB. These are just a collection of white guys whining about nonexsistent love lives. I mean, I would be pretty whiney too if I had to sleep with Gwenyth Paltrow, but Chris Martins been doing long before that magical duo got together.
If you need some guidance as for what to listen to, think back to when you were a kid, think back to all those movies about college were kids go to indie concerts or wear Ramones t-shirts, and than completely erase all of that shit. Now, turn on some blues, light up an old man cigar, and engage yourself in a little thing called "Real Music"...I promise youll like it.
The point im trying to make is simple, if your going to listen to music on your iPod and completely go against everything music ever stood for (individualism, non-comfority, respect for the past), at least play some music we all can enjoy. There is nothing appealing about Coldplay or DMB. These are just a collection of white guys whining about nonexsistent love lives. I mean, I would be pretty whiney too if I had to sleep with Gwenyth Paltrow, but Chris Martins been doing long before that magical duo got together.
If you need some guidance as for what to listen to, think back to when you were a kid, think back to all those movies about college were kids go to indie concerts or wear Ramones t-shirts, and than completely erase all of that shit. Now, turn on some blues, light up an old man cigar, and engage yourself in a little thing called "Real Music"...I promise youll like it.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Fucking Way
I'm not an unusaully private guy. I openly discuss by B.M.s with friends and strangers alike, I get semi naked in front of teammates before hockey than wrestle...just for the stretching, you know?...., and I will usually tell you my every emotional trauma I have ever been a part of after a 6 pack of Yuengling.
I draw the line when it comes to feet, though.
In fact, I am having a realllllly hard time even tolerating this recent craze sweeping across college and high school campuses encouraging students to wear sandles. Its one thing for a good looking chick to do it. In fact, I say wear them as often as you want, I wont discriminate as long as your attractive, dumb, and perfectly resemble my idealized version of a girl. But its a completely different ballgame when males start throwing them on. I dont know about you but I dont care how relaxed Steve Johnson and his aching feet are with Rainbows on. I still think his bunyons are almost as repulsive as his receeding hair line. Their is no way in hell a piece of the anatomy known for bunyons, corns, and yellow nails should ever be within 100 feet of my body unless covered with socks and shoes.
In a perfect world, everyone would have Knubs. Their legs would end at their ankles and they would hobble around looking attractive as hell. We wouldnt have to worry about stray feet rubbing against us. We wouldnt have to see anymore ingrown toe-nails. Life would be so beautiful, Im actually beginning to cry as I type this. In a world without feet, a thousand dreams could come true.
I draw the line when it comes to feet, though.
In fact, I am having a realllllly hard time even tolerating this recent craze sweeping across college and high school campuses encouraging students to wear sandles. Its one thing for a good looking chick to do it. In fact, I say wear them as often as you want, I wont discriminate as long as your attractive, dumb, and perfectly resemble my idealized version of a girl. But its a completely different ballgame when males start throwing them on. I dont know about you but I dont care how relaxed Steve Johnson and his aching feet are with Rainbows on. I still think his bunyons are almost as repulsive as his receeding hair line. Their is no way in hell a piece of the anatomy known for bunyons, corns, and yellow nails should ever be within 100 feet of my body unless covered with socks and shoes.
In a perfect world, everyone would have Knubs. Their legs would end at their ankles and they would hobble around looking attractive as hell. We wouldnt have to worry about stray feet rubbing against us. We wouldnt have to see anymore ingrown toe-nails. Life would be so beautiful, Im actually beginning to cry as I type this. In a world without feet, a thousand dreams could come true.
Ask One More Question and Im Calling You Fat
5 minutes left.
Desperate just to get out of class for 15 minutes and get lunch before heading off to work.
Professor looks bored.
I feel bored.
The lesson has been learned, lets just call it a day.
Wait!
What?!
Oh fucking no!
The girl in front of me who looks part pig, part hippo, part banshee has decided todays lesson didnt quite whet her appetite yet. Shes got a little question to ask.
Well isnt that cute.
I never understood the concept of students asking questions about menial shit. First of all, why do you give a shit? The answer the teacher will supply is never satisfactory. Why not just go home and wikipedia why Bhagavad Gita is still popular in India?
Well, someone never sent this memo i wrote up to banshee fatty in front of me.
And so we wait...
and wait...
and wait until finally the teacher stops giving her the evil eye because she just ruined his chance to get to the crapper and try to piss out a few kidney stones before hotwiring his piece of shit car and heading to a matinee movie.
"Well..."
Suddenly teacher is overcome by all of the past movies like Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds. Suddenly he thinks to himself "Hey, maybe I am making a difference in these kids. Maybe this girl represents the whoooole class!"
And so he rambles.
Youve been there, Ive been there, how are we going to fight off these students who ask questions right before class ends?
I have a few observations that may help in the battle to profile and root out these evildoers.
1. Ugly
2. Fat
3. Librarian Glasses
4. Sandles
5. Ugly as fuck...did i mention that?
If you see one of these students in your classroom, immediatly rush out and skip this lecture, for you will not be coming home until well after night fall.
Desperate just to get out of class for 15 minutes and get lunch before heading off to work.
Professor looks bored.
I feel bored.
The lesson has been learned, lets just call it a day.
Wait!
What?!
Oh fucking no!
The girl in front of me who looks part pig, part hippo, part banshee has decided todays lesson didnt quite whet her appetite yet. Shes got a little question to ask.
Well isnt that cute.
I never understood the concept of students asking questions about menial shit. First of all, why do you give a shit? The answer the teacher will supply is never satisfactory. Why not just go home and wikipedia why Bhagavad Gita is still popular in India?
Well, someone never sent this memo i wrote up to banshee fatty in front of me.
And so we wait...
and wait...
and wait until finally the teacher stops giving her the evil eye because she just ruined his chance to get to the crapper and try to piss out a few kidney stones before hotwiring his piece of shit car and heading to a matinee movie.
"Well..."
Suddenly teacher is overcome by all of the past movies like Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds. Suddenly he thinks to himself "Hey, maybe I am making a difference in these kids. Maybe this girl represents the whoooole class!"
And so he rambles.
Youve been there, Ive been there, how are we going to fight off these students who ask questions right before class ends?
I have a few observations that may help in the battle to profile and root out these evildoers.
1. Ugly
2. Fat
3. Librarian Glasses
4. Sandles
5. Ugly as fuck...did i mention that?
If you see one of these students in your classroom, immediatly rush out and skip this lecture, for you will not be coming home until well after night fall.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Yes, in fact, something is up my ass...
I'm not one to jump into any trend. That may be why I made a site mocking trends. Than again, I did sorta jump onto that whole blogging trend...well shit....fuck it thats not the point. For the last few weeks in class I have had a pain in the ass classmate so annoying, I believe he has actually infected my ass. Its that bad.
I should have known shit would go sour the moment I first saw him. Short, latino, wearing a floppy hat and all too quick to take off his crocks and go without footwear during class. This guy had "Low self esteem" written all over him. Unfortunately, when you have low self esteem, you may at times feel obliged to over-exagerate your confidence and become loud and obnoxious. This was the case with this S.O.B.
Talking in loud, overly positive tones, he quickly began asking questions, pretending he was so relaxed he could almost fall asleep, and oddly enough he seemed to be having fun in class. He tapped girls on the shoulder than smiled at them and said it wasnt him, he befriended a blind guy, and he kept mentioning that we should come out to a "realllly good christian indie concert" with him...the truth was in the pudding.
Sadly, yesterday he finally decided he was getting sick of hitting on fat and ugly girls who like his flirtatious yet non threatening behavior. He decided to turn that last stone over and get to know me. I am not a quiet guy normally, but when someone is as obnoxious and happy as him, I tend to stick to myself. That didnt last long, though. Yesterday, when the professor got my name wrong, the little shit head decided that he had found an in. "Hey brah, you should tell him to pronounce it right!!teheeehee!" I smiled at him grimly, not trying to destroy his fragile ego but not trying to encourage him anymore.
This smile apparently was a bad decision. Three minutes later he asks me whats up out of the blue. Before I can respond with a grunt, he calls out "The sky!!" than laughs his ass off. Some douchebag in the back laughed to. I hate that person as well.
At the end of class, I was shaken by his attempts to penetrate my hostility but determined to get out of the room intact. Unfortunately, he comes flying behind me at 40 miles an hour, his little legs pattering against the ground so hard, and he tags my ass. "Your it! Tehehe!!" he than flies away, quickly pursued by another unidentified douchebag.
I got home determined to understand what makes this runt tick. After hours of research, I concluded that he was motivated to impress others because of his small size and at an early age he was given the choice of being overly conforming and friendly, or being picked on as a small piece of shit. Clearly, this young man made a jackass choice. He has become a festering ass pain like none other. I hope hes happy.
I should have known shit would go sour the moment I first saw him. Short, latino, wearing a floppy hat and all too quick to take off his crocks and go without footwear during class. This guy had "Low self esteem" written all over him. Unfortunately, when you have low self esteem, you may at times feel obliged to over-exagerate your confidence and become loud and obnoxious. This was the case with this S.O.B.
Talking in loud, overly positive tones, he quickly began asking questions, pretending he was so relaxed he could almost fall asleep, and oddly enough he seemed to be having fun in class. He tapped girls on the shoulder than smiled at them and said it wasnt him, he befriended a blind guy, and he kept mentioning that we should come out to a "realllly good christian indie concert" with him...the truth was in the pudding.
Sadly, yesterday he finally decided he was getting sick of hitting on fat and ugly girls who like his flirtatious yet non threatening behavior. He decided to turn that last stone over and get to know me. I am not a quiet guy normally, but when someone is as obnoxious and happy as him, I tend to stick to myself. That didnt last long, though. Yesterday, when the professor got my name wrong, the little shit head decided that he had found an in. "Hey brah, you should tell him to pronounce it right!!teheeehee!" I smiled at him grimly, not trying to destroy his fragile ego but not trying to encourage him anymore.
This smile apparently was a bad decision. Three minutes later he asks me whats up out of the blue. Before I can respond with a grunt, he calls out "The sky!!" than laughs his ass off. Some douchebag in the back laughed to. I hate that person as well.
At the end of class, I was shaken by his attempts to penetrate my hostility but determined to get out of the room intact. Unfortunately, he comes flying behind me at 40 miles an hour, his little legs pattering against the ground so hard, and he tags my ass. "Your it! Tehehe!!" he than flies away, quickly pursued by another unidentified douchebag.
I got home determined to understand what makes this runt tick. After hours of research, I concluded that he was motivated to impress others because of his small size and at an early age he was given the choice of being overly conforming and friendly, or being picked on as a small piece of shit. Clearly, this young man made a jackass choice. He has become a festering ass pain like none other. I hope hes happy.
I ABSSSSOLUTELY love those Southern Gentlemen!
As per usual, during about the 5th hour of facebook stalking I had endured today after work, I was disgusted to discover a new group I had been invited to, "I Love my Southern Gentleman!".
Now...normally I just hit deny and go back to my search for nip slips. Today, however, I was much too curious to see just how backwards the world has come to. From the moment the home page loaded, I was blinded with croakies and cheesy bitches who still call black people "coloreds". Could I possibly have stumbled into the new gate to hell? Could everything thats wrong with the world actually be summed up in one facebook page?
The answer is yes.
35 pictures of chubby frat boys with names like Grayson and Carlton waving Blue Moon that they likely never finish and visors saying shit like "Oak Ridge Slaveholders Club", 100 wall posts from girls without a single flaw praising these guys, and not one man brave enough to have challenged these people so far. I was appalled.
Call me a hater, call me jealous, but I think we need to clarify some shit here.
1.)The Southern Gentlemen are guys who ride on boats theyre parents purchased.
2.)The Southern Gentlemen belieive they are handsome and manly, even though they had a servant put on those lift kits to the custom Jeep and they lack chins due to poor genetics from their British and inbred roots.
3.)Southern Gentlemen like to go out of their way to fulfill a stereotype, even if it means selling their soul. This includes relentlessly hitting on every girl in site by telling her, "Hey, you should come drink Bud Light on my dads boat with me!" or "Hey, let me hold that door for you, god knows im strong enough!"
4.)The Southern Gentleman is extremely scared of everyone not named Grayson or Carlton and will usually avoid contact with anyone outside of their tax bracket. This may be because they are elitists, or it may just be because they will indeed get a massive ass whooping which no man can measure.
So please, refrain from the Southern Gentleman comments, these jackasses cant even string together their own croakies let alone be someone unique.
Now...normally I just hit deny and go back to my search for nip slips. Today, however, I was much too curious to see just how backwards the world has come to. From the moment the home page loaded, I was blinded with croakies and cheesy bitches who still call black people "coloreds". Could I possibly have stumbled into the new gate to hell? Could everything thats wrong with the world actually be summed up in one facebook page?
The answer is yes.
35 pictures of chubby frat boys with names like Grayson and Carlton waving Blue Moon that they likely never finish and visors saying shit like "Oak Ridge Slaveholders Club", 100 wall posts from girls without a single flaw praising these guys, and not one man brave enough to have challenged these people so far. I was appalled.
Call me a hater, call me jealous, but I think we need to clarify some shit here.
1.)The Southern Gentlemen are guys who ride on boats theyre parents purchased.
2.)The Southern Gentlemen belieive they are handsome and manly, even though they had a servant put on those lift kits to the custom Jeep and they lack chins due to poor genetics from their British and inbred roots.
3.)Southern Gentlemen like to go out of their way to fulfill a stereotype, even if it means selling their soul. This includes relentlessly hitting on every girl in site by telling her, "Hey, you should come drink Bud Light on my dads boat with me!" or "Hey, let me hold that door for you, god knows im strong enough!"
4.)The Southern Gentleman is extremely scared of everyone not named Grayson or Carlton and will usually avoid contact with anyone outside of their tax bracket. This may be because they are elitists, or it may just be because they will indeed get a massive ass whooping which no man can measure.
So please, refrain from the Southern Gentleman comments, these jackasses cant even string together their own croakies let alone be someone unique.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Possible Facebook Apps 2 Weeks From Now
I'm getting pretty gosh darn tired of all the poking, ranking, and overall horseplay being promoted by Facebook. Its a known fact that Facebook Poking causes 5 percent of college pregnancies every year. Do we really need that!!?!?!? With the absurd new applications popping out every day like a Mexican at the Unemployment Office, I thought I would go ahead and introduce a few of the new apps bound to become available to the public.
1. Facebook Poker
-God knows some Asian kid is going to take this too far and start raving about how pimp his 300,000 facebook poker chips are...
2. Facebook...and Beyond
-Im holding out hope for this one, an "adult" facebook where people can reveal a little more than just their face..if you catch my drift...boobs....i meant boobies...
3.) Facebook Spam
- Some dumb ass is going to introduce spam to facebook and in a matter of minutes im going to find out that new wall post wasnt from a hot girl, but instead, a girl named Lavondah who wants to sell me penile implants. Cmon Lavondah, I dont need implants...just a helping hand!
4.)Facebook Popularity Meter
-Just how popular are you amongst your friends? Well why not let facebook ruin your life and tell you? This ones just about a lock to ruin the life of every girl who told herself she was indie and turned out to be ugly...sorry sweetie.
1. Facebook Poker
-God knows some Asian kid is going to take this too far and start raving about how pimp his 300,000 facebook poker chips are...
2. Facebook...and Beyond
-Im holding out hope for this one, an "adult" facebook where people can reveal a little more than just their face..if you catch my drift...boobs....i meant boobies...
3.) Facebook Spam
- Some dumb ass is going to introduce spam to facebook and in a matter of minutes im going to find out that new wall post wasnt from a hot girl, but instead, a girl named Lavondah who wants to sell me penile implants. Cmon Lavondah, I dont need implants...just a helping hand!
4.)Facebook Popularity Meter
-Just how popular are you amongst your friends? Well why not let facebook ruin your life and tell you? This ones just about a lock to ruin the life of every girl who told herself she was indie and turned out to be ugly...sorry sweetie.
5 Easy Ways to Save Money During Your First Year
My first year in college, I burnt through cash like Pacman Jones at a Strip Club. I was making it rain from the cafeteria to the nightclub every day. By Summer Break I was eating crack rock flavored cocoa puffs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Dont let this happen to you, by following these 5 easy suggestions, you can save hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year!
1.) Steal From the Bookstore
----Bookstore workers are either a.) incompetent people who wear school spirit wear or b.) ugly people who wear school spirit wear and dont look as good as the first type. Either way, your not going to get caught stealing from the bookstore. The first type of person wouldnt even realize you were stealing 4 bottles of Tylenol and a whole curriculum set on nude art. The ugly workers on the other hand, might realize you are stealing, but are far too intimidated by your impressive physique to question you. Cast a scowl on them and walk away!
2.) Dont Bring Your Car
----"No, asshole, I dont have to be DD just because you couldnt afford to bring a car to college!" sound like a conversation you often find yourself in? Avoid this by trading in your car for a pair of sporty roller blades. The girls/guys will be catcalling at you day and night!
3.)Attend Christian Oriented Activities
----Hey, who wants to party with Jesus?!?!? Sure, he doesent have any beer or kegs, but any party in the name of the Jesus is going to have free food, innocently hott chicks, and...well thats about it...but hey why the hell not?
4.)Steal from Frat Parties
----This is a personal favirote. For every frat party that demands you X your hand if your under 21, you should steal at least 4-5 items of value. You could see a lamp or a beat up paddle to the grimy Mexicans at a nearby flea market for at least 10-12 dollars. Thats big money man. We are talking an 18 pack of shit beer.
5.) Gamble
----God man, just do it, dont be a pussy! Gamble that scholarship away! It gives life an interesting zest when your washing the basketball teams dirty laundry for a year all so they wont hit that free throw that kills your spread. Hell Yes!
Dont let this happen to you, by following these 5 easy suggestions, you can save hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year!
1.) Steal From the Bookstore
----Bookstore workers are either a.) incompetent people who wear school spirit wear or b.) ugly people who wear school spirit wear and dont look as good as the first type. Either way, your not going to get caught stealing from the bookstore. The first type of person wouldnt even realize you were stealing 4 bottles of Tylenol and a whole curriculum set on nude art. The ugly workers on the other hand, might realize you are stealing, but are far too intimidated by your impressive physique to question you. Cast a scowl on them and walk away!
2.) Dont Bring Your Car
----"No, asshole, I dont have to be DD just because you couldnt afford to bring a car to college!" sound like a conversation you often find yourself in? Avoid this by trading in your car for a pair of sporty roller blades. The girls/guys will be catcalling at you day and night!
3.)Attend Christian Oriented Activities
----Hey, who wants to party with Jesus?!?!? Sure, he doesent have any beer or kegs, but any party in the name of the Jesus is going to have free food, innocently hott chicks, and...well thats about it...but hey why the hell not?
4.)Steal from Frat Parties
----This is a personal favirote. For every frat party that demands you X your hand if your under 21, you should steal at least 4-5 items of value. You could see a lamp or a beat up paddle to the grimy Mexicans at a nearby flea market for at least 10-12 dollars. Thats big money man. We are talking an 18 pack of shit beer.
5.) Gamble
----God man, just do it, dont be a pussy! Gamble that scholarship away! It gives life an interesting zest when your washing the basketball teams dirty laundry for a year all so they wont hit that free throw that kills your spread. Hell Yes!
Gross, Its a Blemish!
Listen guys, if their is one thing you want to make sure and do as the school year starts, this is it. Avoid anyone who appears flawed. Trust me. If you want to make friends, now is the time to start weeding out the bad or not-quite-ripe seeds. Old high school pal walk with a gimp? Run away, CoEd, Run away! Hes only going to make everyone think hes your boyfriend!
Wheelchair bound buddy's novelty starting to wear off at parties? Bust a pipe over those wheels and leave him to fend for himself.
I'm serious here, boys and girls, ditch the flawed friends before you get ditched yourself. Yeah, at first everyones going to be extra nice to mustasche girl and midget boy because they feel pity. But guess what, your not mustasche girl or midget boy. Your just the even lamer friend stuck with them.
No matter how deep the bond or how much you owe them, cut the ties now pal, because youll be better off and better looking come tommorow!
Wheelchair bound buddy's novelty starting to wear off at parties? Bust a pipe over those wheels and leave him to fend for himself.
I'm serious here, boys and girls, ditch the flawed friends before you get ditched yourself. Yeah, at first everyones going to be extra nice to mustasche girl and midget boy because they feel pity. But guess what, your not mustasche girl or midget boy. Your just the even lamer friend stuck with them.
No matter how deep the bond or how much you owe them, cut the ties now pal, because youll be better off and better looking come tommorow!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Ways to Look Mature in Time for College
Troubled by your boyish face and hairless legs? Concerned about your squaky voice and frail figure? No need to fear, Class of '11, Flavor of the Weak is here. We know how scary it can be in the weeks leading up to the first day of classes. Everyones so damn insistent on "becoming" a college student as soon as they graduate high school. This metamorphisis is a tricky, and completely false transformation, but one that the majority of 18 year olds feel they need to experience in order to be just like the college kids theyve seen in classics like Van Wilder and American Pie 2.
So, how do you go from being High School Henry to College Chuck? Follow our simple 5 step plan and youll see results in no time. People will be mistaking you for a sophisticated looking douchebag, rather than an acne ridden turd in no time!!
Step 1: Grow a Beard of Get a G-String
Not to be considered a viable choice for either genders, this is meant more as seperate suggestions for seperates sexes. For men, growing a beard is that easiest way to say, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college, and Im totally laidback!!!!!" for girls, the g-string says, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college and im totally ready to try a threesome with some sweaty frat guys!!!" Bonus points for a beard that extends beyond goatee proportions, girls will defintely find you bohemian, and thats considered a plus in coffee shop circles and within theatre student hangouts (Bagel Joints and lame parties)...
2. Yawn all the Time!
-Your in college now, your so totally over high school and your really living the college life by staying out LATE! Make sure everyone knows it by yawning every 5-10 seconds. This is especially effective when with a hottie and trying to kill that awkward silence. Just eat a tic tac beforehand.
3. IPOD baby, IPOD
-C'mon, what can possibly be more fucking hip than an ipod?! Dont even try me, and IPOD is the single coolest thing ever made. Much cooler than the wheel or the gay-dar. Seriously, carry that IPOD around so everyone can know you research you indie bands and you have an inner urge to pop it and lock it! Plus, the hip young black man in the commercials wearing his IPOD defintely went to college for a good 10 years, he knows all about living the college life.
4. Talk Black
-Its bad enough black people skip me in line all the fucking time and cut me off while driving. They also feel the need to force our young college students to speak like themselves whenever attempting to seem cool. The most common example of this is the faggot frat guy who likes to "holler" at girls...or should I call them his "shawties". I dont care to go into how many of the college students who fill hip enough to use black slang would be found dead after spending a night in the hood. I just know the number would be high. Very high. Sodomy and necrophilia would be involved. Stay out of the hood, waysome college students, keep your black lingo on campus where no one can challenge you.
5. Go Greek
-What better way to experience college than by going greek. Youve seen the movies, you know the alumni, and youve heard the stories. Its time to show everyone just how fucking awesome shotgunning Natty Light, in fact, is. Do it with pride, young students, for its not every day you get to wake up besides a bunch of drunk dudes forced to shower in the same communal bathroom. Mature. Very Mature!
So, how do you go from being High School Henry to College Chuck? Follow our simple 5 step plan and youll see results in no time. People will be mistaking you for a sophisticated looking douchebag, rather than an acne ridden turd in no time!!
Step 1: Grow a Beard of Get a G-String
Not to be considered a viable choice for either genders, this is meant more as seperate suggestions for seperates sexes. For men, growing a beard is that easiest way to say, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college, and Im totally laidback!!!!!" for girls, the g-string says, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college and im totally ready to try a threesome with some sweaty frat guys!!!" Bonus points for a beard that extends beyond goatee proportions, girls will defintely find you bohemian, and thats considered a plus in coffee shop circles and within theatre student hangouts (Bagel Joints and lame parties)...
2. Yawn all the Time!
-Your in college now, your so totally over high school and your really living the college life by staying out LATE! Make sure everyone knows it by yawning every 5-10 seconds. This is especially effective when with a hottie and trying to kill that awkward silence. Just eat a tic tac beforehand.
3. IPOD baby, IPOD
-C'mon, what can possibly be more fucking hip than an ipod?! Dont even try me, and IPOD is the single coolest thing ever made. Much cooler than the wheel or the gay-dar. Seriously, carry that IPOD around so everyone can know you research you indie bands and you have an inner urge to pop it and lock it! Plus, the hip young black man in the commercials wearing his IPOD defintely went to college for a good 10 years, he knows all about living the college life.
4. Talk Black
-Its bad enough black people skip me in line all the fucking time and cut me off while driving. They also feel the need to force our young college students to speak like themselves whenever attempting to seem cool. The most common example of this is the faggot frat guy who likes to "holler" at girls...or should I call them his "shawties". I dont care to go into how many of the college students who fill hip enough to use black slang would be found dead after spending a night in the hood. I just know the number would be high. Very high. Sodomy and necrophilia would be involved. Stay out of the hood, waysome college students, keep your black lingo on campus where no one can challenge you.
5. Go Greek
-What better way to experience college than by going greek. Youve seen the movies, you know the alumni, and youve heard the stories. Its time to show everyone just how fucking awesome shotgunning Natty Light, in fact, is. Do it with pride, young students, for its not every day you get to wake up besides a bunch of drunk dudes forced to shower in the same communal bathroom. Mature. Very Mature!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Free Balling
This is a trend that Flavor of the Weak would like to begin. We think free balling is going to be a major part of the future. When you freeball, you show your so damn busy being fucking cool that you only have time to unzip your pants and piss. No time for fiddling with briefs or boxers. When your getting laid, your just a tug of the pants away. The only caution we want to issue is freeballing in denim. This just has too many adverse effects, including severe rashes and zipper issues.
3rd World Countries Suck
Recently, at the end of Spring semester, my professor asked all the students in class what their plans where for the Summer. What started out as an interesting activity to cap off the year quickly turned into a competetive game of one upmanship. Fat girl one declared she was going to Peru to give shoes to poor children. Pudgy frat guy two high fived the "bro" next to him and let us all know he was going to Cabo...to get....."DRUNK!!!" Than the smartass little bitch who cant comb his hair and wears Che Gueverra shirts decided to let us know he was going to be in the Philippines hiking and working on building houses. The chain followed, reaching every 3rd world country on the planet. Apparently, I took a class filled with martyrs and superheroes who will all one day save the world. I, for one, am going to Canada. I like to drink on the beach...ill be 19 so Ill be legal. I dont really want to get drunk too often, just have a little buzz, pick up some 36 year old female hockey player, and try to sleep it off. I guess I am shallow.
But you know what, shallow or not, I am going to fight this movement. Why are all these middle class college kids TRYING to go to shithole countries? The kids there need help, the societies are in disarray, but cant we do just as much good supporting our government and our charities. Certainly the Peace Corps (who work for President Bush all you hippy wannabes) and the Red Cross would rather just use your money than take on the liability of getting you over to another country just so you can feel fulfilled at the coffee shop discussions when you return.
The biggest problem here, though, isnt that people arent doing much good volunteering to go to 3rd world countries in the first place. NO, the problem is that these kids WANT to go. Do you like waking up with snakes crawling up your legs? Do you like going places where the government could collapse any moment now? Do you like visiting locations that have seen multiple suicide bombers visit in the past? I dont. I really really do not want to visit these areas. Its not even top 10. I think Vancouver and Madrid might be top 2, and the other 8 probably are in Greece or America, but I am sure that 3rd world countries dont make that list. Plus, who really wants to see a kid with 3 legs who grew up next to chernobyl during their summer break? Not me, my friends, not me.
But you know what, shallow or not, I am going to fight this movement. Why are all these middle class college kids TRYING to go to shithole countries? The kids there need help, the societies are in disarray, but cant we do just as much good supporting our government and our charities. Certainly the Peace Corps (who work for President Bush all you hippy wannabes) and the Red Cross would rather just use your money than take on the liability of getting you over to another country just so you can feel fulfilled at the coffee shop discussions when you return.
The biggest problem here, though, isnt that people arent doing much good volunteering to go to 3rd world countries in the first place. NO, the problem is that these kids WANT to go. Do you like waking up with snakes crawling up your legs? Do you like going places where the government could collapse any moment now? Do you like visiting locations that have seen multiple suicide bombers visit in the past? I dont. I really really do not want to visit these areas. Its not even top 10. I think Vancouver and Madrid might be top 2, and the other 8 probably are in Greece or America, but I am sure that 3rd world countries dont make that list. Plus, who really wants to see a kid with 3 legs who grew up next to chernobyl during their summer break? Not me, my friends, not me.
Madden 08: Day in the Life Application Draws Criticism
How far is Madden 08 willing to go? Honestly, the game has added every fuicking feature it could, absolutely everything. We get to fucking see things as THE PLAYERS SEE THINGS. When Peyton Manning gets a boner watching Tony Dungy in the showers, we get to see it. When Mike Vick teases his dog with a scrap of food before devouring it himself, we get to see it. When Sean Salisbury takes pictures of himself naked, we get to see it. I mean seriously...its getting pretty scary. Just thought I had to question how far Madden is going.
Flavor of the Weak Tackles: Race Relations
Its tough out there for a person of any skin color. What with sexual preference, gender, and ethnicity, do we even have time to consider a persons race these days when making lifelong personal judgements? The first thing that runs through my mind when I meet someone is a.)whether or not i hate this persons face, b.)whether or not this person is going to make unwanted advances on me (gay date rape!), and c.) whether or not this person likes to drink Natty Light while wearing croakies and a backwards "Sawx" cap while making me stare at his broken big toe because he had to wear Rainbows in the Winter.
As you can see, I am ABOVE race. I am that fucking enlightened. I dont even know what color Barack Obama, I just know hes got an affinity for the cocaine, and thats a white mans drug. But this is besides the point. My greatness is sadly, not the role model for most Americans concerning race relations. No...today, on college campuses and in the business world, the white man has become the black mans bitch. This is not the black mans fault. The guys just living his life. The problem begins and ends when poorly endowed white guys get the notion in their head that they will appear openminded/tough/and diverse if they are EXTRA accepting of the colored folks.
I come from Buffalo, and this may be a good thing. Buffalo is a northern city where everyone hates the blacks. But everyone also hates the Irish, the Italians, the Pollocks, and the Germans just as much. So the hate is universal, really. This gives me a good position to scoff at these white guys who feel its their duty to be as accomodating to black people as possible.
In college classes the white guys always strive to laugh at the black guys jokes, they go out of their way to use laid back lingo around them, they even might disobey the teacher (making them weep inside) just to show how much they dont give a fuck. The absolute best part comes when these guys will talk to black dudes about girls. "Man im going to tap that booty like a keg! Hhahaha! Hoes gonna git it!"...ive heard scrawny honkeys do this often. Very often. The black guys tolerate...who wouldnt, their being praised and immitation is the highest form of flattery. But c'mon...whats really going down is the scrawny white guys going to try and toe the line of being both sensitive and hard by taking the girl to an action movie, offering to buy her popcorn (denied), offering to put his arm around her (denied), and offering to touch her bra-strap (denied). Than shes going to get out of the car, and he will be in front of Halo 3 by 1030pm. This is the standard white mans date.
So the problem is really hitting new peaks over the last few years because these college kids are taking that diversity and open minded BS they learn in school and applying it to the real world. Suddenly every white guy thinks they can appreciate Stevie Wonder. Suddenly every white guy tells his kids he grew up on tough streets, hand in hand with the blacks in Delta. Sorry motherfucker, you didnt....and neither did the black men in colleges and workplaces today, the difference is, they dont try and act as if they did.
As you can see, I am ABOVE race. I am that fucking enlightened. I dont even know what color Barack Obama, I just know hes got an affinity for the cocaine, and thats a white mans drug. But this is besides the point. My greatness is sadly, not the role model for most Americans concerning race relations. No...today, on college campuses and in the business world, the white man has become the black mans bitch. This is not the black mans fault. The guys just living his life. The problem begins and ends when poorly endowed white guys get the notion in their head that they will appear openminded/tough/and diverse if they are EXTRA accepting of the colored folks.
I come from Buffalo, and this may be a good thing. Buffalo is a northern city where everyone hates the blacks. But everyone also hates the Irish, the Italians, the Pollocks, and the Germans just as much. So the hate is universal, really. This gives me a good position to scoff at these white guys who feel its their duty to be as accomodating to black people as possible.
In college classes the white guys always strive to laugh at the black guys jokes, they go out of their way to use laid back lingo around them, they even might disobey the teacher (making them weep inside) just to show how much they dont give a fuck. The absolute best part comes when these guys will talk to black dudes about girls. "Man im going to tap that booty like a keg! Hhahaha! Hoes gonna git it!"...ive heard scrawny honkeys do this often. Very often. The black guys tolerate...who wouldnt, their being praised and immitation is the highest form of flattery. But c'mon...whats really going down is the scrawny white guys going to try and toe the line of being both sensitive and hard by taking the girl to an action movie, offering to buy her popcorn (denied), offering to put his arm around her (denied), and offering to touch her bra-strap (denied). Than shes going to get out of the car, and he will be in front of Halo 3 by 1030pm. This is the standard white mans date.
So the problem is really hitting new peaks over the last few years because these college kids are taking that diversity and open minded BS they learn in school and applying it to the real world. Suddenly every white guy thinks they can appreciate Stevie Wonder. Suddenly every white guy tells his kids he grew up on tough streets, hand in hand with the blacks in Delta. Sorry motherfucker, you didnt....and neither did the black men in colleges and workplaces today, the difference is, they dont try and act as if they did.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Hey Wait...Your Not John Mayer!
Oh man, you sure did trick me. You sly bastard. Strumming your guitar on campus while legions of mediocre girls coo over your bittersweet lyrics. I see right through that mop top haircut and those hemp necklaces. You really think your something, huh? Bringing your acoustic guitar to campus and playing some Bob Dylan out on a bench near the dorms. I bet no one has thought of that idea yet! Truth is, beneath that smug grin lies a lame human being. A person who truly wants to be a soulful brotha, but has none of the talent nor life experience to even come close. Thats ok, John Mayer Lite, just keep on doing your thing, theirs a thousand more of you playing right now across the country, but hell, theirs a million other mediocre girls looking to fawn over your image!
Wait...We're In College...Fuck Health Concerns
Truth.com has made a lot of money selling hip images of hip people doing hip things while bashing un-hip activities like smoking and drinking. Thankfully, all of the hip actors in these hip commercials dont really believe the shit they say on camera. Unfortunately...the college students do. In the last ten years a phenomenon has taken place. Instead of being the place for radical ideas and new horizons, college has become a moral and logical place. Now I'm not bashing logic here, but arent we supposed to try new things, stop giving a shit, and be a little more laid back while attending college? If I want to smoke for my four years at college, than why the hell shouldnt I? OH WAIT, Truth.com says it will make the light skinned black dude with the Beanie think less of me. Damn, I dont want that to happen....Shit.
Seriously though, this is the time to do things you wouldnt ever normally do. Im not going to tell you to drink and drive, but I just dont see where the people at Truth.com get off on doing that exact thing. Your in college...dont let people preach to you.
Seriously though, this is the time to do things you wouldnt ever normally do. Im not going to tell you to drink and drive, but I just dont see where the people at Truth.com get off on doing that exact thing. Your in college...dont let people preach to you.
Drinking Games Suck
Do you like flipcup? What about Beer Pong? Chances are, that means your a deushbag. You want to know who else likes these games? Retarded people. They love the simplicity and absolute pointlessness. They love the handling of cups and hollow balls. Real men drink to open up their minds or push away their sorrows. College students drink to prove something. Bad idea.
Quick Ways to Shut the Guy Next to You Up For Good
You didnt come to class to hear about Greg or Scotties latest drinking binge. In fact, NO ONE came to class because they anticipated hearing this painful story. Unfortunately, no one sent the memo to Greg and Scotty, and everytime you get to class, you know theyre going to chat your ear off.
We've decided to develop a few quick rebuttals and one liners that will throw them off and make class a lot more peacful from here on out:
Conversation 1
Asshole: "Man, I was knocking back the Natty Light last night, and these two hot chicks were all over me, but I was like, thre-"
You: "NO I DONT WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU!!!"
Conversation 2
Shrimpy Wigger: "You know what I'm saying brah??? I was like, we can fight brah, but Ill beat your ass. Im feisty as hell brah, no one can beat my ass!"
You: "Hey man, I got some menthol cigarettes out in my car, ill give them to you for free after class!"
----This was the bait, now you know he wont say no to this offer, so when you two leave class, lead him to the Black Student Union, shout "Fuck Black People" and run. Lets see how well feisty holds up against "Strapped".
Conversation 3
Jersey Girl: "And I told my mom she was a bitch and than took her purse and bought some birth control. I'm not about to-"
You: "Birth Control? Thats a SIN!"
Conversation 4
Annoying Perv who Whispers Jokes to You: "Hey, do you think that girl over there likes to get FREAKY NAUGHTY (in Ben Stiller voice)?"
You: "(In Loud Voice) Hey Tricia, this guy wants to know if you like to get freaky or naughty? I think hes got a crush on you!"
All of these rudimentary responses are available for you to use as a gift from us for visiting this site. If you find the ardent conversationalist chatting your ear off STILL wont learn, than just rely on the steady and proven response "Well at least I'm not a gay!" Sophisiticated college kids will have absolutely no clue how to respond to this. Devastation will ensue, followed by panic.
We've decided to develop a few quick rebuttals and one liners that will throw them off and make class a lot more peacful from here on out:
Conversation 1
Asshole: "Man, I was knocking back the Natty Light last night, and these two hot chicks were all over me, but I was like, thre-"
You: "NO I DONT WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU!!!"
Conversation 2
Shrimpy Wigger: "You know what I'm saying brah??? I was like, we can fight brah, but Ill beat your ass. Im feisty as hell brah, no one can beat my ass!"
You: "Hey man, I got some menthol cigarettes out in my car, ill give them to you for free after class!"
----This was the bait, now you know he wont say no to this offer, so when you two leave class, lead him to the Black Student Union, shout "Fuck Black People" and run. Lets see how well feisty holds up against "Strapped".
Conversation 3
Jersey Girl: "And I told my mom she was a bitch and than took her purse and bought some birth control. I'm not about to-"
You: "Birth Control? Thats a SIN!"
Conversation 4
Annoying Perv who Whispers Jokes to You: "Hey, do you think that girl over there likes to get FREAKY NAUGHTY (in Ben Stiller voice)?"
You: "(In Loud Voice) Hey Tricia, this guy wants to know if you like to get freaky or naughty? I think hes got a crush on you!"
All of these rudimentary responses are available for you to use as a gift from us for visiting this site. If you find the ardent conversationalist chatting your ear off STILL wont learn, than just rely on the steady and proven response "Well at least I'm not a gay!" Sophisiticated college kids will have absolutely no clue how to respond to this. Devastation will ensue, followed by panic.
New to College? Avoid These Trendy Options!
So your only a few months from arriving on campus. Excited? Of course you are! We are too. For your own safety though, here at the Flavor of the Weak Labs, we have been determining what students need to avoid in order to keep their soul during this four year process. It was an arduous task that involved a fair amount of underage drinking, lots of puking, chain-smoking, and absolutely no conclusive results. But what the hell, its the internet, we can post anything we fucking want..
1.) The Coffee Shop
In college, going to the coffee shop has nothing to do about coffee, and everything to do about being a deushbag. Your going to meet all sorts of FRIENDLY and INTELLECTUAL people here, so be careful if they offer your candy or poetry. While you may feel accepted in this comfy domain, remember, your surrounded by people who cant survive outside this coffee shop. These are the people who never shut up about how stressful their bachelor of arts classes are and how getting a job is just utterly out of the question. These are the people who wear artsy clothes and make Monty Python jokes because they feel so sophisticated. Avoid this place friends, the gas station serves excellent coffee and even better clientele.
2. Frat Parties
I'm not here to bash fraternities. They give the people what they want and fill a quota. Whatever. But I will say this, the most overrated thing about college is the Frat Party. Every year millions of kids come to Campus expecting to re-enact all those shitty straight to video movies like "Frat Party at California U" and "School Daze". They are in for a rude awakening. Upon arriving at any frat party you are going to realize that a.) at most public universities underage drinking just isnt happening and b.)everyone around you thinks their the shit.
Why would you want to subject yourself to a night where the frat brothers will be withholding alcohol in order to avoid getting busted and the other partygoers are all paranoid that someone might think they came to the party alone? Instead, go back to your car, find a homeless person, offer them 20 dollars if they get you a 24 pack of Icehouse, and than pull up at your community college friends apartment. Community college parties are much more intriguing. Sluttier girls, accessible alcohol, and a general "I dont give a shit attitude" that got the parties host this far in life.
3.) Hair Product
This is mainly for men, but I imagine girls with red highlights or perms should listen up as well. If a guy wears hair product, he has a small penis. Its proven. Our scientists kidnapped like 30 guys walking around campuses across the East Coast. Each student with spiked hair, Guido Do's, or frayed blonde locks was determined to be lacking in many other departments. Its true, if you go to a college bar or club your always going to run into the little prick who dresses in Hollister but wears "gangster" hair do's or sideways baller caps. These guys will get the occasional hottie after telling them how fucking hard they are. Its ok though. We know you feel taken aback. Just remember, these guys are going to be in for humiliation when Slutty Blonde #1 discovers that Lil Tony's real name is Kermit Brown and hes packing a straight 3 inches. Than who has the last laugh?
4.) Asking Questions in Class
There isnt much to say here. Most of the kids in your classes dont want to hear your voice. They dont want to know you exsist. They do no care how cool you were in 12th grade. If you ask a cutesie question, or hell, even if your genuinely confused, wait until after class to ask the professor. We all want to go home and either drink or sleep or maybe, just maybe do both. Every question you ask delays this.
5.)Unless your 6'8, Dont Have Spirit
I never got this trend. Across campuses kids absolutely adore throwing on all the school spirit apparell they can get their hands on. What is the deal? Does the pasty looking, fat girl lacking self confidence really need to tell everyone how much UNC-Charlotte rocks? Does the prickish student body government shithead really think we will think hes laid back and one of us because hes so into school spirit? Fuck off asshole, here at Flavor of the Weak, we wear Wife Beaters and jean shorts commando. This doesent mean we support beating our wives or the extinction of undergarments, of course. We just really look good in this style.
1.) The Coffee Shop
In college, going to the coffee shop has nothing to do about coffee, and everything to do about being a deushbag. Your going to meet all sorts of FRIENDLY and INTELLECTUAL people here, so be careful if they offer your candy or poetry. While you may feel accepted in this comfy domain, remember, your surrounded by people who cant survive outside this coffee shop. These are the people who never shut up about how stressful their bachelor of arts classes are and how getting a job is just utterly out of the question. These are the people who wear artsy clothes and make Monty Python jokes because they feel so sophisticated. Avoid this place friends, the gas station serves excellent coffee and even better clientele.
2. Frat Parties
I'm not here to bash fraternities. They give the people what they want and fill a quota. Whatever. But I will say this, the most overrated thing about college is the Frat Party. Every year millions of kids come to Campus expecting to re-enact all those shitty straight to video movies like "Frat Party at California U" and "School Daze". They are in for a rude awakening. Upon arriving at any frat party you are going to realize that a.) at most public universities underage drinking just isnt happening and b.)everyone around you thinks their the shit.
Why would you want to subject yourself to a night where the frat brothers will be withholding alcohol in order to avoid getting busted and the other partygoers are all paranoid that someone might think they came to the party alone? Instead, go back to your car, find a homeless person, offer them 20 dollars if they get you a 24 pack of Icehouse, and than pull up at your community college friends apartment. Community college parties are much more intriguing. Sluttier girls, accessible alcohol, and a general "I dont give a shit attitude" that got the parties host this far in life.
3.) Hair Product
This is mainly for men, but I imagine girls with red highlights or perms should listen up as well. If a guy wears hair product, he has a small penis. Its proven. Our scientists kidnapped like 30 guys walking around campuses across the East Coast. Each student with spiked hair, Guido Do's, or frayed blonde locks was determined to be lacking in many other departments. Its true, if you go to a college bar or club your always going to run into the little prick who dresses in Hollister but wears "gangster" hair do's or sideways baller caps. These guys will get the occasional hottie after telling them how fucking hard they are. Its ok though. We know you feel taken aback. Just remember, these guys are going to be in for humiliation when Slutty Blonde #1 discovers that Lil Tony's real name is Kermit Brown and hes packing a straight 3 inches. Than who has the last laugh?
4.) Asking Questions in Class
There isnt much to say here. Most of the kids in your classes dont want to hear your voice. They dont want to know you exsist. They do no care how cool you were in 12th grade. If you ask a cutesie question, or hell, even if your genuinely confused, wait until after class to ask the professor. We all want to go home and either drink or sleep or maybe, just maybe do both. Every question you ask delays this.
5.)Unless your 6'8, Dont Have Spirit
I never got this trend. Across campuses kids absolutely adore throwing on all the school spirit apparell they can get their hands on. What is the deal? Does the pasty looking, fat girl lacking self confidence really need to tell everyone how much UNC-Charlotte rocks? Does the prickish student body government shithead really think we will think hes laid back and one of us because hes so into school spirit? Fuck off asshole, here at Flavor of the Weak, we wear Wife Beaters and jean shorts commando. This doesent mean we support beating our wives or the extinction of undergarments, of course. We just really look good in this style.
A Trendy Intro to a Trendy Site
Since the dawn of man, people have been forced to deal with trends and the trendy people who love them. Whether it be that bragging SOB Fred Flinstone with his eco friendly "foot powered" car or the guy sitting next to you, reciting just how fucking excellent Bud Light tastes, one thing is for sure: People want to fit in. What better way to fit in than by finding every hipster trend and popular character trait and than mimicking them to a tee? This formula is ESPECIALLY relevant here on university campuses around the country. Frat guys match while they walk in perfect sync and harmony to and fro class. Girls bust out the fake tan every other day in order to keep the Skin Cancer rates healthy. In college, if your not trendy, your just out of the loop.
Until now...that is. This site was created for every student stunned by the fact that girls fall for deushbags. Every student ready to shoot himself after hearing another story about how the malnourished pissant next to you is small but scrappy. We've tired of seeing torn jeans and musty rainbows, we want to move on from this phase as soon as possible.
The best part about the people who can find a home in this site, is that we arent trying to promote Dungeons and Dragons or Yu-Yi-Oh. We arent the shunned, fat kid who we like to snicker about and throw garbage at. We are better than that. We just chose to be individuals and have to deal with the repercussions every day.
Anyways, I have dragged on, and all we need is another lame ass blog trying to be cutting edge but basically preaching nonstop. We wont preach, I promise.
We will focus on pointing out dangerous trends on campuses across the country, offer stories and solutions that may help you take advantage of the situation, and once in awhile give some commentary on relevant issues around the country. But I doubt that will be interesting.
Until now...that is. This site was created for every student stunned by the fact that girls fall for deushbags. Every student ready to shoot himself after hearing another story about how the malnourished pissant next to you is small but scrappy. We've tired of seeing torn jeans and musty rainbows, we want to move on from this phase as soon as possible.
The best part about the people who can find a home in this site, is that we arent trying to promote Dungeons and Dragons or Yu-Yi-Oh. We arent the shunned, fat kid who we like to snicker about and throw garbage at. We are better than that. We just chose to be individuals and have to deal with the repercussions every day.
Anyways, I have dragged on, and all we need is another lame ass blog trying to be cutting edge but basically preaching nonstop. We wont preach, I promise.
We will focus on pointing out dangerous trends on campuses across the country, offer stories and solutions that may help you take advantage of the situation, and once in awhile give some commentary on relevant issues around the country. But I doubt that will be interesting.
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