Tuesday, June 19, 2007

New to College? Avoid These Trendy Options!

So your only a few months from arriving on campus. Excited? Of course you are! We are too. For your own safety though, here at the Flavor of the Weak Labs, we have been determining what students need to avoid in order to keep their soul during this four year process. It was an arduous task that involved a fair amount of underage drinking, lots of puking, chain-smoking, and absolutely no conclusive results. But what the hell, its the internet, we can post anything we fucking want..

1.) The Coffee Shop
In college, going to the coffee shop has nothing to do about coffee, and everything to do about being a deushbag. Your going to meet all sorts of FRIENDLY and INTELLECTUAL people here, so be careful if they offer your candy or poetry. While you may feel accepted in this comfy domain, remember, your surrounded by people who cant survive outside this coffee shop. These are the people who never shut up about how stressful their bachelor of arts classes are and how getting a job is just utterly out of the question. These are the people who wear artsy clothes and make Monty Python jokes because they feel so sophisticated. Avoid this place friends, the gas station serves excellent coffee and even better clientele.

2. Frat Parties
I'm not here to bash fraternities. They give the people what they want and fill a quota. Whatever. But I will say this, the most overrated thing about college is the Frat Party. Every year millions of kids come to Campus expecting to re-enact all those shitty straight to video movies like "Frat Party at California U" and "School Daze". They are in for a rude awakening. Upon arriving at any frat party you are going to realize that a.) at most public universities underage drinking just isnt happening and b.)everyone around you thinks their the shit.
Why would you want to subject yourself to a night where the frat brothers will be withholding alcohol in order to avoid getting busted and the other partygoers are all paranoid that someone might think they came to the party alone? Instead, go back to your car, find a homeless person, offer them 20 dollars if they get you a 24 pack of Icehouse, and than pull up at your community college friends apartment. Community college parties are much more intriguing. Sluttier girls, accessible alcohol, and a general "I dont give a shit attitude" that got the parties host this far in life.

3.) Hair Product

This is mainly for men, but I imagine girls with red highlights or perms should listen up as well. If a guy wears hair product, he has a small penis. Its proven. Our scientists kidnapped like 30 guys walking around campuses across the East Coast. Each student with spiked hair, Guido Do's, or frayed blonde locks was determined to be lacking in many other departments. Its true, if you go to a college bar or club your always going to run into the little prick who dresses in Hollister but wears "gangster" hair do's or sideways baller caps. These guys will get the occasional hottie after telling them how fucking hard they are. Its ok though. We know you feel taken aback. Just remember, these guys are going to be in for humiliation when Slutty Blonde #1 discovers that Lil Tony's real name is Kermit Brown and hes packing a straight 3 inches. Than who has the last laugh?

4.) Asking Questions in Class
There isnt much to say here. Most of the kids in your classes dont want to hear your voice. They dont want to know you exsist. They do no care how cool you were in 12th grade. If you ask a cutesie question, or hell, even if your genuinely confused, wait until after class to ask the professor. We all want to go home and either drink or sleep or maybe, just maybe do both. Every question you ask delays this.

5.)Unless your 6'8, Dont Have Spirit
I never got this trend. Across campuses kids absolutely adore throwing on all the school spirit apparell they can get their hands on. What is the deal? Does the pasty looking, fat girl lacking self confidence really need to tell everyone how much UNC-Charlotte rocks? Does the prickish student body government shithead really think we will think hes laid back and one of us because hes so into school spirit? Fuck off asshole, here at Flavor of the Weak, we wear Wife Beaters and jean shorts commando. This doesent mean we support beating our wives or the extinction of undergarments, of course. We just really look good in this style.

1 comment:

Joseph Twarog said...

While I may not completly agree with you on frats I think we can both enjoy this video, it's hilarious.