Joining the Army vs. Going to College

After recently learning that I have been placed on academic probation yet again, a thought crossed my mind. Maybe college isnt for me. Maybe im too smart, to strong, to cool and hip to be left on a campus taking classes about theory and bullshit. Thats when I saw an army recruiter. He waved at me with that patriotic stature only Uncle Sam can give you.

Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.

Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really

Reasons to Stay in College:
-Girls
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Girls
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.