Sunday, November 18, 2007

Things I Can Do After Drinking

1 Beer- All of a sudden I forget I was supposed to turn off the oven, I forget I am failing two classes and teetering on probation once again, I forget I just got a speeding ticket one week before my insurance dropped.

2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.

3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!

4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.

5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!

6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.

7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.

8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.

9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.

10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"

11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.

12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.

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