Sunday, October 14, 2007

Wedding Weekend

In case you havent tried it, I have realized this weekend that it is absolutely vital for everyone between the ages of 18 and 21 to attend a wedding. If this involves breaking into a synagogue, sneaking onto the beach, or simply watching your friends get hitched, dont ask questions, just do it.

This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).

For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.

In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.

Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.

-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.

-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.

-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".

-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.

-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.

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