Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Fat Girls vs. Ugly Girls- A Zero Sum Game

I have long debated with friends, family, and higher-ups the scenario of choosing between a fat girl and an ugly girl. Its a question that haunts me day and night, knowing deep down one day I will be forced to choose after a large supply of viagra and Budweiser. Its not a decision I want to make, knowing full well neither will leave me satisfied or optimistic, but I have decided today I will come to terms with lifes great question and determine who is better to go home with at the end of a long night, the fat girl or the ugly girl.

On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.

On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.

Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.

At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.

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