Tuesday, April 1, 2008

College Stressing You Out? Just Quit Now.

UNC-Charlotte is offering up some seminar (oppurtunity to sit next to frisky looking freshmen girls) on handling the stress of college. Im pretty sure the attractive female head count will be quite high for this event. Even better, the goofy Polish guy head count will remain at just one, myself. At least I wont have competition...

Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.

Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.

You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.

So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.

10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...

No comments: