Tuesday, April 8, 2008

What the hell Jesus? What the hell?

Seriously, sometimes I think I know why the lions always tried to eat the Christians back in the BC days. Obviously Christians taste no better than Jews (or do they...hmm) and theyre not that much harder to digest than a scrumptious cow. So Im betting the lions were just real pissed off about how lucky those Christians were. If those days were anything like the present, I bet the apostles were all sporting WWJD toe rings and vows of celibacy tattoed across their asses. Bastards.

All I know is that in present day America, their is a growing population of youngsters calling themselves born again Christians. This faith usually consists of promoting everything that actually sucks (no touching others..OR YOURSELF, no homosexual flirtations after a 7th steel reserve kicks in, no abortions even if the girl looks like Shreks wife, no profanity even after seeing how ugly the kid turns out to be that you really should have aborted 7 months before)by acting as though its badass to be this way. Ill tell you something though. Its not. Unfortunately, no one died and made me boss. In fact, whoever is the boss apparently hates me because hes decided to send out an endless supply of hot, sultry girls who giggle a bit too much and like to tan right beside your house while you watch from the window looking over the yard and break or imagine breaking all Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, these girls buy into the marketing scam that Christianity has become. Thus, by being a chain smoking, Catholic, Pollock who swears like a Lesbian, I have very little chance of theoretically "hitting that".

Instead, these girls will continue to fall head over heels for the guys who take them to church three times a week, wear torn Abercrombie jeans and indie button down shirts that scream "I play 3 chords on the guitar and sing John Mayer lyrics!". These same guys who wouldnt touch a beer or a cigarette, but have no problem throwing up gang signs and jokingly trying to mask the awkward sexual tension flowing through their custom jockeys.

Its as if they tease me with their absolutely ridiculous ploys to be rebellious. The born again Christians of today have outdone the guidos and the frat boys in become the saddest trend seekers of all time. They are so uncool, they think being uncool is cool. Damn.

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