Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Recount of Average College Night at Local Bar

I cant stress enough the importance of staying away from nightclubs and any bar with a DJ while your still in college. Once in awhile, its fun to see the people and your probably getting laid if you really want (I do, I do). If your drunk, it could even be considered an emotionally positive experience.

This having been said, be wary of what these locales have to offer. The people, the music, the flashing lights..they are all fake. Do you ever see the people who consider themselves VIP or "regulars" at these places eating lunch at McDonalds or going to classes at college while the sun is out? Of course you dont. These people are too busy rebuilding their image so they can go out the next night and claim to be something they are not yet again. I imagine for most of these people, male and female, this means going tanning, working out, taking steroids, masturbating HEAVILY, getting a tattoo, 3 hours putting in hair gel and "product", and finally sipping a red bull while checking out facebook/myspace.

Its funny though how these same people can still come out after such a shallow and meaningless day and attempt to sell themselves as gangsters or important. Bullshit. I will kick your...scratch that....this really tough friend I have who might be retarded WILL KICK YOUR ASS if you think this is the case. If you had something, anything going on in your life youd have somewhere better to be than a hole in the wall where you are forced into social situations with other retards.

Anyways, I decided to give you guys a recount of the last time I went to a club without being kicked out within 30 minutes. It was about a year ago and I was almost 19. Here goes:

10:00 get in car. begin knocking back coors with friends.
10:30 arrive at club. continue knocking back coors with friends.
11:00 realize its been 30 minutes, get up and get out of the car. Realize I have to piss. Pee beside car.
11:01 Wave at girl who watches me pee, she doesent look impressed.
11:05 Bouncer tells friend who may be retarded he is drunk, I explain he is not drunk, just possibly retarded and show them his ID. He is allowed in.
11:15 Stand by dancefloor and stare at about 7 good looking girls in the shadows, nod my head and smoke to look preoccupied.
12:15 Work up the nerve to approach mediocre looking girl. Ride mechanical bull with her. Thrust my pelvis like Elvis to Lil John music.
1:00 She is offended by my horrible dance moves and X's on my hands. Leaves to flirt with a 21 and older type guy. Classy bitch.
1:05 Puke in bathroom. Cry a little
1:15 Get caught in "mosh pit" of Persian teenagers who seem to think they are uber-trendy. Smell of curry and grease. Im sorry persians.
1:30 Ask a girl to dance. She agrees. Look down to ask her name. Headbutt the hell out of her. Blame it on friend. Exit dancefloor and go to bar area immediatly.
1:45 Try to order beer. Dont even garner a response. Bastard.
1:50 Girl comes from behind and headbutts me. Retaliation is a bitch.
2:00 Leave bar with sore head, puke on my shirt, no sense of time or place, and a keen desire to never go to a nightclub again.

So there you have it folks. This is what you have to look forward to. Enjoy!

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