College and moreso now, High school, students love to talk about how big their penii are. (I am refering to male students...obviously.) I mean, the way dudes like to talk about this shit, you would think that their penis grew an inch every time they exaggerated.
Last night, some polish goober named Gutowski felt the need to tell a girl in front of him he had a 9 inch penis. I quickly challenged him to prove it.
Im not the gay one here, if he does in fact have a 9 inch penis, im going to give him a pat on the back and whistle with awe.
Odds are, however, hes packing an uncircumcised choad built more for a hand than a girl. 99 Percent of the guys who tell you how bigs their dicks are, can relate to Gutowski. Keep it in your pants and keep it to yourself.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The Trendy Gangsters Handshake
I like to shake hands as if im clamping a slap of concrete. I squeeze so tight I want to hear your knuckles pop. To me, it means im the man, and thats whats important in life...knowing your the man.
Unfortunately, one of the many cultural diffusions from black people that has seeped into middle class white society is the complicated handshake.
I know, i know, when im drinking, nothing is more satisfying in the world than completing one of these handshakes with a black guy. It means your the shit, your open minded, your real, your penis is gigantic. Come on though, does shaking hands really need to be so difficult? I promise, it never looks cool to see some caucasion goobers slap hands. No girl appreciates it. Youd be much better off breaking that fuckers hand.
Unfortunately, one of the many cultural diffusions from black people that has seeped into middle class white society is the complicated handshake.
I know, i know, when im drinking, nothing is more satisfying in the world than completing one of these handshakes with a black guy. It means your the shit, your open minded, your real, your penis is gigantic. Come on though, does shaking hands really need to be so difficult? I promise, it never looks cool to see some caucasion goobers slap hands. No girl appreciates it. Youd be much better off breaking that fuckers hand.
Pocket Chains, Cause Fun Can Be Badass
My friend Kyle had a party at his house this weekend. It sucked. I like to go to my own bed and cope with alcohol poisoning before going back out the next night. Not happening at Kyles, though. Everyone stayed the night. Friday night was excellent, I went 2 for 5 in beer pong and polished off an 18 pack which put me in "Life of the Party" mode. Fooled around with a girl who, on her mothers grave, was 19 or 20...or something of age, she swore. To top it off, I led a fight against a typical "I take pics of myself throwing gang signs in the mirror for myspace" wankster who had previously threatened to shoot me.
The house was so gone by this point, before the battle, I led about 20 kids in a chant mimicking the under arm commercial. "What time is it??" I roared. "Game time!"
Drunk white guys love to release inner testosterone on one another.
But alas, it was not game time, but instead bed time. I passed out soon after, vomited on myself many a time, and started to question if I would die the death of a hero.
Noon rolled around and some shits were still there. Who were these kids? I dont know. They arrived around 7-8am Kyle believed and they were all sporting pocket chains and bowls.
Apparently, the pocket chain craze didnt die with Waynes World. Its back baby. All we need now is the revival of Zebra Pants and we got ourselves a party. Anyways, all these guys had the Pete Wentz look going on and I began to realize just where my life had led me, sitting in a puddle of vomit with marker on my face, and surrounded by 17 year olds with pocket chains.
Yea
The house was so gone by this point, before the battle, I led about 20 kids in a chant mimicking the under arm commercial. "What time is it??" I roared. "Game time!"
Drunk white guys love to release inner testosterone on one another.
But alas, it was not game time, but instead bed time. I passed out soon after, vomited on myself many a time, and started to question if I would die the death of a hero.
Noon rolled around and some shits were still there. Who were these kids? I dont know. They arrived around 7-8am Kyle believed and they were all sporting pocket chains and bowls.
Apparently, the pocket chain craze didnt die with Waynes World. Its back baby. All we need now is the revival of Zebra Pants and we got ourselves a party. Anyways, all these guys had the Pete Wentz look going on and I began to realize just where my life had led me, sitting in a puddle of vomit with marker on my face, and surrounded by 17 year olds with pocket chains.
Yea
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Yeah...I dont care about Darfur
Students held a rally at UNCC for Darfur last week. I dont think this is a big surprise to anyone seeing how students hold a rally for Darfur every week. I'm starting to wonder why college kids are so drawn to this shit hole of a country. I mean...if its about finding a cause (and it always is with these kids) than how about devoting that much time to losing weight or getting a hair cut?
Im not unsympathetic for Darfur personally, but I can think of at least 10-20 things that would be more fun, and just as helpful to the people of Darfur without rallying:
1. Sleeping
2. Drinking beer
3. Throwing rocks at people holding rallies for Darfur
4. Taking a crap
5. Driving to McDonalds
6. Facebooking for 5 hours straight
7. Teasing a homeless man
8. Running from the homeless man
9. Resting my eyes and pretending to sleep
10.Braiding bracelts that say "Save Darfur" than selling them for 5 dollars a piece
Thats just a sample folks. I can think of many more. See, Ive come to terms with the following things:
1. Activism is an easy way to feel fulfilled but accomplish nothing
2. Going to rallies means being surroumded by ugly girls
3. We have just as many tougher problems going on in our own country
4. Nothing will change in Darfur because conflict involving these tribes and Sudan has much more history than we can imagine and its unlikely a student at an American University with a toilet seat that costs more than a refugee tent can understand the situation from both perspectives.
So...if anyones trying to get their hands on some Save Darfur t-shirts or panties made from 100percent natural materials and the sweat and blood of child laborers in China, hit me up.
Im not unsympathetic for Darfur personally, but I can think of at least 10-20 things that would be more fun, and just as helpful to the people of Darfur without rallying:
1. Sleeping
2. Drinking beer
3. Throwing rocks at people holding rallies for Darfur
4. Taking a crap
5. Driving to McDonalds
6. Facebooking for 5 hours straight
7. Teasing a homeless man
8. Running from the homeless man
9. Resting my eyes and pretending to sleep
10.Braiding bracelts that say "Save Darfur" than selling them for 5 dollars a piece
Thats just a sample folks. I can think of many more. See, Ive come to terms with the following things:
1. Activism is an easy way to feel fulfilled but accomplish nothing
2. Going to rallies means being surroumded by ugly girls
3. We have just as many tougher problems going on in our own country
4. Nothing will change in Darfur because conflict involving these tribes and Sudan has much more history than we can imagine and its unlikely a student at an American University with a toilet seat that costs more than a refugee tent can understand the situation from both perspectives.
So...if anyones trying to get their hands on some Save Darfur t-shirts or panties made from 100percent natural materials and the sweat and blood of child laborers in China, hit me up.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
My Petty and Wonderful Christmas Wishlist
I decided nows as good a time as ever to make my wish list. Its really a nice change of pace actually, now, instead of reserving these spiteful wishes for strictly blowing out candles and breaking the wishbone after thanksgiving, I can just air it all out at once. Fuck yes.
1. A Servant of some kind. No ethnicity really required, but a person who can do my bidding, plant some profitable crops for me, and remind me how lucky and amazing I am. I will consider a butler, but they tend to have to much lip.
2. 20 dollars. Im not picky. 20 dollars is a good gift. I could buy beer and a t-shirt that tells people im a slacker and if its especially cheap beer and fabric, I could also afford a pack of Camels. Jesus thats like a fucking days worth of fun right there.
3. New York City- Every burrough, every bridge, every person. Id scoop it up, tilt it vertically, and watch as the largest gathering of scummy guidos and brownstoners fall into the ocean. If they survive, ill force them to reside in Jersey. If Bostonians give me any more lip, theyre next. Ill probably re-design New York after this genocide. Id make it cool, rename it Gotham, find someone to be the cities batman, burn every FDNY cap I can find, and make a giant loft across Times Square that everyone has to walk by while I expose some Morning Wood in my glass walled house. Elaborate? Hell no!
4. A really cool, rundown looking record player so I can show it off in my dormroom while young semi-alternative girls look on in fascination at my sophisticated musical tastes. Maybe we could sip some Chardonnay afterwards and talk about Dylan and activism and my awesome college beard.
thats all
1. A Servant of some kind. No ethnicity really required, but a person who can do my bidding, plant some profitable crops for me, and remind me how lucky and amazing I am. I will consider a butler, but they tend to have to much lip.
2. 20 dollars. Im not picky. 20 dollars is a good gift. I could buy beer and a t-shirt that tells people im a slacker and if its especially cheap beer and fabric, I could also afford a pack of Camels. Jesus thats like a fucking days worth of fun right there.
3. New York City- Every burrough, every bridge, every person. Id scoop it up, tilt it vertically, and watch as the largest gathering of scummy guidos and brownstoners fall into the ocean. If they survive, ill force them to reside in Jersey. If Bostonians give me any more lip, theyre next. Ill probably re-design New York after this genocide. Id make it cool, rename it Gotham, find someone to be the cities batman, burn every FDNY cap I can find, and make a giant loft across Times Square that everyone has to walk by while I expose some Morning Wood in my glass walled house. Elaborate? Hell no!
4. A really cool, rundown looking record player so I can show it off in my dormroom while young semi-alternative girls look on in fascination at my sophisticated musical tastes. Maybe we could sip some Chardonnay afterwards and talk about Dylan and activism and my awesome college beard.
thats all
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Joining the Army vs. Going to College
After recently learning that I have been placed on academic probation yet again, a thought crossed my mind. Maybe college isnt for me. Maybe im too smart, to strong, to cool and hip to be left on a campus taking classes about theory and bullshit. Thats when I saw an army recruiter. He waved at me with that patriotic stature only Uncle Sam can give you.
Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.
Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really
Reasons to Stay in College:
-Girls
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Girls
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.
Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.
Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really
Reasons to Stay in College:
-Girls
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Girls
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Things I Can Do After Drinking
1 Beer- All of a sudden I forget I was supposed to turn off the oven, I forget I am failing two classes and teetering on probation once again, I forget I just got a speeding ticket one week before my insurance dropped.
2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.
3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!
4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.
5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!
6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.
7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.
8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.
9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.
10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"
11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.
12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.
2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.
3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!
4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.
5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!
6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.
7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.
8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.
9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.
10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"
11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.
12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.
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